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Would you do this for your difficult child?
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 561003" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>I think this is a complicated issue for all of us. And, it's individual and there is no right or wrong answer, we all find our own way. </p><p></p><p>Having said that, I was just listening to a therapist last night discuss the challenges of detaching from our kids. He said, it's usually a complicated situation and many of us want a black and white answer, like, should I kick him out or let him stay. He said, the answer is as complicated as the question. He also said, first, define your boundaries, very clearly and make a plan and stick with it. So, if you decide to help, base it on "what are you willing to do without resentment?" And, check inside to determine that generally speaking, when you are enabling it feels bad and when you are doing something with loving kindness, it feels good. </p><p></p><p>For me, I made a definite plan of what I was willing to do to help. I communicated that clearly and then implemented that plan. It was very clear as to what I would do and what I wouldn't do after I had helped her get to what I considered to be 'level ground.' </p><p></p><p>Since your son is "inert" and has no motivation to pursue his own living space, you might want to allow him to experience the downside of his independence. This first foray into adulthood for him might better serve him if he were fully aware of how much responsibility it takes to be on ones own. If you find him a place and make this transition easier for him, you may in fact, rob him of the opportunity to learn just how tough it can be "out there." At 16 he is so young and not at all experienced in the ways of the world and although our instincts are to protect and help, since he is hellbent on being on his own, my instinct would be to let him. Without the benefits of you assisting in any way.</p><p></p><p>In addition, I think it's important to wait until you're actually asked. Has he asked for your help? If not, I would let him find his own way. </p><p></p><p>Detachment is very difficult for us parents, and often when we step in to help, we are attempting to minimize our own fear for them,.......... we know better, we have experience, we want to protect. But, he won't learn anything that way and as you said, you also run the risk of him blaming you for the choices you make for him. Our difficult child's are remarkably resourceful when it comes to getting their needs met. He may in fact couch surf for a long time, remarkably, my difficult child stayed on a friend's couch for 2 years! </p><p></p><p>You said his dirt bike is his, so doesn't that mean it should be his decision to sell it and use it for rent? That would be a good choice, but it's not his choice. You are looking at all of it as an experienced adult who knows how to be in the world. He does not, but wants the freedom to be an adult. Part of being an adult means being responsible for the choices we make and if they are bad ones, then we learn from that and make a different choice next time. He pushed the envelope in requiring his adult freedom, it seems he should carry the adult weight of responsibility as well. And, I know from my own experience, that is WAY harder on us then it is on them.</p><p></p><p>I believe having meals with him, baking muffins and offering some household items all seem appropriate. They are all warm and caring acts of a mothers love. Sometimes it's hard to make those distinctions of what is enabling and what is love, but we wander though doing our best and then I think as time goes by it gets easier for us as we master the ins and outs of this new territory. It's very good that you're questioning all of it as you move through it and seeing advice, it helped me to do that too, to stay out of the FOG which wraps around us and keeps us stuck doing the same behavior but expecting different results. Good job!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 561003, member: 13542"] I think this is a complicated issue for all of us. And, it's individual and there is no right or wrong answer, we all find our own way. Having said that, I was just listening to a therapist last night discuss the challenges of detaching from our kids. He said, it's usually a complicated situation and many of us want a black and white answer, like, should I kick him out or let him stay. He said, the answer is as complicated as the question. He also said, first, define your boundaries, very clearly and make a plan and stick with it. So, if you decide to help, base it on "what are you willing to do without resentment?" And, check inside to determine that generally speaking, when you are enabling it feels bad and when you are doing something with loving kindness, it feels good. For me, I made a definite plan of what I was willing to do to help. I communicated that clearly and then implemented that plan. It was very clear as to what I would do and what I wouldn't do after I had helped her get to what I considered to be 'level ground.' Since your son is "inert" and has no motivation to pursue his own living space, you might want to allow him to experience the downside of his independence. This first foray into adulthood for him might better serve him if he were fully aware of how much responsibility it takes to be on ones own. If you find him a place and make this transition easier for him, you may in fact, rob him of the opportunity to learn just how tough it can be "out there." At 16 he is so young and not at all experienced in the ways of the world and although our instincts are to protect and help, since he is hellbent on being on his own, my instinct would be to let him. Without the benefits of you assisting in any way. In addition, I think it's important to wait until you're actually asked. Has he asked for your help? If not, I would let him find his own way. Detachment is very difficult for us parents, and often when we step in to help, we are attempting to minimize our own fear for them,.......... we know better, we have experience, we want to protect. But, he won't learn anything that way and as you said, you also run the risk of him blaming you for the choices you make for him. Our difficult child's are remarkably resourceful when it comes to getting their needs met. He may in fact couch surf for a long time, remarkably, my difficult child stayed on a friend's couch for 2 years! You said his dirt bike is his, so doesn't that mean it should be his decision to sell it and use it for rent? That would be a good choice, but it's not his choice. You are looking at all of it as an experienced adult who knows how to be in the world. He does not, but wants the freedom to be an adult. Part of being an adult means being responsible for the choices we make and if they are bad ones, then we learn from that and make a different choice next time. He pushed the envelope in requiring his adult freedom, it seems he should carry the adult weight of responsibility as well. And, I know from my own experience, that is WAY harder on us then it is on them. I believe having meals with him, baking muffins and offering some household items all seem appropriate. They are all warm and caring acts of a mothers love. Sometimes it's hard to make those distinctions of what is enabling and what is love, but we wander though doing our best and then I think as time goes by it gets easier for us as we master the ins and outs of this new territory. It's very good that you're questioning all of it as you move through it and seeing advice, it helped me to do that too, to stay out of the FOG which wraps around us and keeps us stuck doing the same behavior but expecting different results. Good job! [/QUOTE]
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