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Wow. Indirectly heard from N's birthmom!
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 232695" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>I struggled for years with "the W's" who, what, where, when, why. OMG it inadvertently messed my psyche up and really caused me to make some bad decisions in my life. </p><p> </p><p>I've been approached by a lot of people who want to know "what if your birth parents (fill in the blank)" and I really have no answers. I can tell you at 40ish, I don't want a reunion. To me I've dealt with what W's I can and came to terms and peace with those I can't answer. Thirty years ago? I probably would have been so confused it would have messed me up even more to see or hear anything a birthparent had to say. Fast fwd. 30 years? I'm okay with who I am, how I got where I am, and don't need anything from the past to come my way. I'm very content with what's done is done. Leave it done. </p><p> </p><p>I don't long for a reunion, I don't long to know if I have siblings. I don't really think about it at all anymore. I didn't like that adoption show where the guy drove around reuniting families...because some people just do not want to be found. I'm in that category now and forever more. </p><p> </p><p>I think for your daughter she is so incredibly lucky to have a Mom who actually THINKS about what is best without remorse or regrets. I think it is incredibly selfish of BM to give her up, then want contact. I think maybe to find out HOW she is - or to see in pictures? Or write a letter that tells your daughter WHY she was given up - would be fantastic. </p><p> </p><p>I still maintain that there would be a lot less messed up adoptees in the world if there were information made manditory for every adoption - It would have to tell you WHY your parents gave you up. It would tell you about your father, your Mother - your heritage. Perhaps even a picture of both parents, grands, sibs....maybe that's going a bit far. But something that says "THIS is where you came from." I think adoptees could deal with all the "w's" a lot better if they knew at least that much. </p><p> </p><p>Like -Mom - age 17 - Father - age 18. We wanted to give our daughter a chance at a life we could not give her we never married or intended to. Mom good at - music, art, loves animals. </p><p>Father good at - sports, artistic, very mechanically inclined. </p><p>No known health defects - in parents. Fraternal Gpa - heart trouble. Paternal G'ma - breast cancer. </p><p> </p><p>Something like THAT for not just open adoptions - but EVERY adoption. </p><p>A picture of each bioparent would be helpful too because kids always ALWAYS ALWays WANT to know - WHO do I look like. </p><p> </p><p>Now that I'm older - I don't really need any of that - but I do think growing up it would have helped me to know that I wasn't thrown away but given away and why. But what I would NEVER have needed was to be found 10 years after being given up and hear all the boo hooo about the W's. Know what I mean?? I had enough to deal with on my own. </p><p> </p><p>Just my 2 cents.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 232695, member: 4964"] I struggled for years with "the W's" who, what, where, when, why. OMG it inadvertently messed my psyche up and really caused me to make some bad decisions in my life. I've been approached by a lot of people who want to know "what if your birth parents (fill in the blank)" and I really have no answers. I can tell you at 40ish, I don't want a reunion. To me I've dealt with what W's I can and came to terms and peace with those I can't answer. Thirty years ago? I probably would have been so confused it would have messed me up even more to see or hear anything a birthparent had to say. Fast fwd. 30 years? I'm okay with who I am, how I got where I am, and don't need anything from the past to come my way. I'm very content with what's done is done. Leave it done. I don't long for a reunion, I don't long to know if I have siblings. I don't really think about it at all anymore. I didn't like that adoption show where the guy drove around reuniting families...because some people just do not want to be found. I'm in that category now and forever more. I think for your daughter she is so incredibly lucky to have a Mom who actually THINKS about what is best without remorse or regrets. I think it is incredibly selfish of BM to give her up, then want contact. I think maybe to find out HOW she is - or to see in pictures? Or write a letter that tells your daughter WHY she was given up - would be fantastic. I still maintain that there would be a lot less messed up adoptees in the world if there were information made manditory for every adoption - It would have to tell you WHY your parents gave you up. It would tell you about your father, your Mother - your heritage. Perhaps even a picture of both parents, grands, sibs....maybe that's going a bit far. But something that says "THIS is where you came from." I think adoptees could deal with all the "w's" a lot better if they knew at least that much. Like -Mom - age 17 - Father - age 18. We wanted to give our daughter a chance at a life we could not give her we never married or intended to. Mom good at - music, art, loves animals. Father good at - sports, artistic, very mechanically inclined. No known health defects - in parents. Fraternal Gpa - heart trouble. Paternal G'ma - breast cancer. Something like THAT for not just open adoptions - but EVERY adoption. A picture of each bioparent would be helpful too because kids always ALWAYS ALWays WANT to know - WHO do I look like. Now that I'm older - I don't really need any of that - but I do think growing up it would have helped me to know that I wasn't thrown away but given away and why. But what I would NEVER have needed was to be found 10 years after being given up and hear all the boo hooo about the W's. Know what I mean?? I had enough to deal with on my own. Just my 2 cents. [/QUOTE]
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Wow. Indirectly heard from N's birthmom!
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