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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 629582" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>I know this feeling. It is impossible not to look. It helps husband and I to have a clear idea of what the difficult child would have to have accomplished <em>before</em> we will help. </p><p></p><p>That strategy has saved us.</p><p></p><p>And that is just what it feels like, too. That we have an answer, that we have a thought that will stop the bleeding.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Of course you care. Of course I care. You and I (and all the parents here) are learning how to survive, are learning to reclaim our lives, after every dream ~ every dream ~ has been made deadly. We cannot even cherish the good things, because it makes us vulnerable.</p><p></p><p>Again, a clear picture of what your difficult child would have to have accomplished already for you to help him will save you, will get you through this attack at your heart, this attack at the decent core of who you are.</p><p></p><p>If you were not decent? If you were anything your own child is accusing you of? You would not be affected, JKF.</p><p></p><p>It isn't so simple as not looking. Your child is wounding you deeply. The things he writes are tailored to destroy you. Even after I had been parenting a difficult child for so long I thought I could stumble through it pretty much upright, Recovering pointed out to me the technique my difficult child was using to pop me into a desperate kind of FOG.</p><p></p><p>She was right.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I am sorry your child spoke those abusive words over you. difficult child daughter is appreciative about her childhood. difficult child son spits that I was the worst mom, and am the worst grandma, ever.</p><p></p><p>Whatever works. That is what our troubled kids will say: whatever works. That your child wrote this indicates a childhood with a mother who cared very much for her child. <em>Or he would not have written those words.</em></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>difficult child son calls husband and myself by our first names and has for years because he is that disgusted by our parenting, by our family. He loves to tell us why he calls us by our first names, too. Because he does not consider we deserve the title "mom" or "dad". difficult child believes we are friends, and continually threatens us with the loss of that friendship.</p><p></p><p>!</p><p></p><p>difficult child logic is a strange thing.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Letting me burn is a hard thing to read. I am sorry your son wrote those words to you. Again JKF, if you and husband come up with a clear picture of what difficult child would have to have accomplished before you will help him, that concept, that picture of difficult child, will strengthen you, now.</p><p></p><p>Sometimes, it gets to be about learning how to make ourselves strong enough to do the right thing.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>We've heard this before too, a million times. The question I could never help but ask myself in the face of this accusation was: "With what? Help someone with <em>what</em>, difficult child?"</p><p></p><p>I did not want to hurt difficult child, so I never said that.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>You are helping your difficult child, JKF. You have read here long enough to know that whatever <em>we</em> do doesn't help our children. Our children are going a wrong way. Until they decide to approach life differently, and they are the only ones who can make that decision, there literally is nothing we can do. We can enter into abusive relationships in which we invest our money and sacrifice our time and head room dealing with problems whose resolution is just a dream...or we can get real, see our situations for what they are, and try a different technique.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>You are helping your child, JKF. <em>Nothing else has worked.</em> You are not deserting your child. You are doing what is required to force him to see himself as he is and to choose to change his ways or not.</p><p></p><p>difficult child behavior always escalates. Whatever it is that will hurt you, that will cause you to question who you are, really ~ that is what your difficult child will do. But once you've spent the money, had the child home, paid for the hotel room, bought the sleeping bag, whatever ~ the difficult child still needs to make those essential changes <em>in himself</em>. </p><p></p><p>There is nothing we can do, JKF.</p><p></p><p>This helped me: Find a talisman of some kind. Something you can hold in the palm of your hand, something that represents your son. Wrap the item in cotton to protect it. Then, wrap it in something beautiful, something that represents hope. Keep the item in a pretty box in a secret place. When you are heartbroken, when you are angry or discouraged or just plain so tired...take the box out. Feel and touch and hold the talisman, raging at it or crying over it or whatever it is you need to do. Then, wrap it safely away, in that secret place where you know it is safe, and wrapped in hope.</p><p></p><p>That helped me.</p><p></p><p>Lighting a white candle helped me.</p><p></p><p>I envisioned the candle's light shining from the window in the night, leading difficult child home.</p><p></p><p>That never happened? And when difficult child did come home? I was like, what was I thinking, to light a candle for him to come <em>here</em>?!?</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>Grief must be addressed. We have lost so much JKF, but we have no legitimate, sanctioned way to grieve it all.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 629582, member: 17461"] I know this feeling. It is impossible not to look. It helps husband and I to have a clear idea of what the difficult child would have to have accomplished [I]before[/I] we will help. That strategy has saved us. And that is just what it feels like, too. That we have an answer, that we have a thought that will stop the bleeding. Of course you care. Of course I care. You and I (and all the parents here) are learning how to survive, are learning to reclaim our lives, after every dream ~ every dream ~ has been made deadly. We cannot even cherish the good things, because it makes us vulnerable. Again, a clear picture of what your difficult child would have to have accomplished already for you to help him will save you, will get you through this attack at your heart, this attack at the decent core of who you are. If you were not decent? If you were anything your own child is accusing you of? You would not be affected, JKF. It isn't so simple as not looking. Your child is wounding you deeply. The things he writes are tailored to destroy you. Even after I had been parenting a difficult child for so long I thought I could stumble through it pretty much upright, Recovering pointed out to me the technique my difficult child was using to pop me into a desperate kind of FOG. She was right. I am sorry your child spoke those abusive words over you. difficult child daughter is appreciative about her childhood. difficult child son spits that I was the worst mom, and am the worst grandma, ever. Whatever works. That is what our troubled kids will say: whatever works. That your child wrote this indicates a childhood with a mother who cared very much for her child. [I]Or he would not have written those words.[/I] difficult child son calls husband and myself by our first names and has for years because he is that disgusted by our parenting, by our family. He loves to tell us why he calls us by our first names, too. Because he does not consider we deserve the title "mom" or "dad". difficult child believes we are friends, and continually threatens us with the loss of that friendship. ! difficult child logic is a strange thing. Letting me burn is a hard thing to read. I am sorry your son wrote those words to you. Again JKF, if you and husband come up with a clear picture of what difficult child would have to have accomplished before you will help him, that concept, that picture of difficult child, will strengthen you, now. Sometimes, it gets to be about learning how to make ourselves strong enough to do the right thing. We've heard this before too, a million times. The question I could never help but ask myself in the face of this accusation was: "With what? Help someone with [I]what[/I], difficult child?" I did not want to hurt difficult child, so I never said that. You are helping your difficult child, JKF. You have read here long enough to know that whatever [I]we[/I] do doesn't help our children. Our children are going a wrong way. Until they decide to approach life differently, and they are the only ones who can make that decision, there literally is nothing we can do. We can enter into abusive relationships in which we invest our money and sacrifice our time and head room dealing with problems whose resolution is just a dream...or we can get real, see our situations for what they are, and try a different technique. You are helping your child, JKF. [I]Nothing else has worked.[/I] You are not deserting your child. You are doing what is required to force him to see himself as he is and to choose to change his ways or not. difficult child behavior always escalates. Whatever it is that will hurt you, that will cause you to question who you are, really ~ that is what your difficult child will do. But once you've spent the money, had the child home, paid for the hotel room, bought the sleeping bag, whatever ~ the difficult child still needs to make those essential changes [I]in himself[/I]. There is nothing we can do, JKF. This helped me: Find a talisman of some kind. Something you can hold in the palm of your hand, something that represents your son. Wrap the item in cotton to protect it. Then, wrap it in something beautiful, something that represents hope. Keep the item in a pretty box in a secret place. When you are heartbroken, when you are angry or discouraged or just plain so tired...take the box out. Feel and touch and hold the talisman, raging at it or crying over it or whatever it is you need to do. Then, wrap it safely away, in that secret place where you know it is safe, and wrapped in hope. That helped me. Lighting a white candle helped me. I envisioned the candle's light shining from the window in the night, leading difficult child home. That never happened? And when difficult child did come home? I was like, what was I thinking, to light a candle for him to come [I]here[/I]?!? :O) Grief must be addressed. We have lost so much JKF, but we have no legitimate, sanctioned way to grieve it all. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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