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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 681025" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Gently, gently I say, Copa, that having any child, no matter how, is usually because we want to love and nurture a child. Some people think about the outcome, but if we allow that to become a definition of us, we are in trouble as is our child, especially an adopted child, yes ESPECIALLY, because they come with different genes, interests, skills, deficits and their own brand of greatness as all human beings have some greatness. But if we think we can love our children, even non-adopted ones, into successful, thriving adults, well, we can't. And we are not them, adopted or biological. They are their own selves and we are our own selves. Ditto for our parents. If we become enmeshed in other people, and judge ourselves by what they do, we will never know who WE are. WE are unique, and separate from every single other person on God's earth. I do believe in God. There is nobody who reflects us. They reflect themselves. We reflect us.</p><p></p><p>My mother, as is old hat, was horrible to me from my birth ("I held you my arms and felt nothing, absolutely noth8ing") to totally disinheriting me in her death. Pretty awful, huh? But never once did I think, "She was awful so I must be awful." As damaged as I was, and as a young woman I was DAMAGED, it never occurred to me that her deeds made ME the same. I just chose to be a different person to my own kids and I know. I also did not have lofty expectations. "My son has had the best education and I love him so he should be a doctor."</p><p></p><p>The truth is my one DNA child, Bart, is brilliant and could have done college and beyond easily. But he had inherited a very bad form of anxiety and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) during his college years and had to drop out and even go on disability for a few years. Later, he picked himself up, and is now at a college level job making a very nice six figure college level salary. But he could have done better if he had not gotten ill at a bad time. In fact, he had to work his way up from a very average job to get where he is at. I am so proud of him, but I was proud of his accomplishments before he made a lot of money. The fact is, he has to share much of it with his ex wife and his lawyer. We are very close, but he is not me and I am not him, even though I carried him in my own body for nine months.</p><p></p><p>My other three were adopted. I am very connected to them, and very proud of them. I am proud of my Pastry Chef with her beautiful baby, my autistic son who showed all the professionals that they don't know squat about potential and my Jumper who is going into law enforcement. None of them finished a four year college. I do not care. None of us should put expectations on our children in order for us to feel good. It's too hard on us. It is too hard on them.</p><p></p><p>Dear Copa, you are not in any way your mother, your father or your son. You are yourself. Your son is himself, independent of you. Your success as a kind and loving person has already been achieved and does not depend upon what your son accomplishes or even how he feels about you. When we have children, we do not get them with guarantees. Again, I feel this is especially true of our adopted children who are raised by us but may react to our values and teachings in unexpected ways because they do not inherit from us. Do I wish I'd just given birth to all my kids then? NO NO NO NO NO! I can't imagine life without my Princess and her little princess or my hero (my Sonic who is so beloved by all, especially me) or my wonderful, delightful Jumper. It is ok that they have their own genetics. They were made perfect. I would not trade any of them for ten biological children. And in some ways, through their own DNA and maybe a tad environment, they are like me, especially Princess. But our differences are BEAUTIFUL. We were all meant to be different. And we are a tight knit little clan...at least, I feel close as toast to all of them and would easily take a bullet for any of them because I have a mother's protective heart.</p><p></p><p>But I don't believe they have to be any certain way for ME to be considered ok. I hope I'm not just rambling. I hope somebody gets me...I can be very bad at explaining myself. I mean that what our parents do, what our kids do, do NOT mean WE are either better or worse than the person who we already are. Their behavior...they own it. We own ours.</p><p></p><p>At the same time, I am neither a better or worse person because of anything they have done or not done. We are seperate people, moreso now than before because they are adults.</p><p></p><p>Copa, you need not connect yourself to another person. You are yourself, the only you in the world, and thank goodness for that and for your presence on this earth.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 681025, member: 1550"] Gently, gently I say, Copa, that having any child, no matter how, is usually because we want to love and nurture a child. Some people think about the outcome, but if we allow that to become a definition of us, we are in trouble as is our child, especially an adopted child, yes ESPECIALLY, because they come with different genes, interests, skills, deficits and their own brand of greatness as all human beings have some greatness. But if we think we can love our children, even non-adopted ones, into successful, thriving adults, well, we can't. And we are not them, adopted or biological. They are their own selves and we are our own selves. Ditto for our parents. If we become enmeshed in other people, and judge ourselves by what they do, we will never know who WE are. WE are unique, and separate from every single other person on God's earth. I do believe in God. There is nobody who reflects us. They reflect themselves. We reflect us. My mother, as is old hat, was horrible to me from my birth ("I held you my arms and felt nothing, absolutely noth8ing") to totally disinheriting me in her death. Pretty awful, huh? But never once did I think, "She was awful so I must be awful." As damaged as I was, and as a young woman I was DAMAGED, it never occurred to me that her deeds made ME the same. I just chose to be a different person to my own kids and I know. I also did not have lofty expectations. "My son has had the best education and I love him so he should be a doctor." The truth is my one DNA child, Bart, is brilliant and could have done college and beyond easily. But he had inherited a very bad form of anxiety and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) during his college years and had to drop out and even go on disability for a few years. Later, he picked himself up, and is now at a college level job making a very nice six figure college level salary. But he could have done better if he had not gotten ill at a bad time. In fact, he had to work his way up from a very average job to get where he is at. I am so proud of him, but I was proud of his accomplishments before he made a lot of money. The fact is, he has to share much of it with his ex wife and his lawyer. We are very close, but he is not me and I am not him, even though I carried him in my own body for nine months. My other three were adopted. I am very connected to them, and very proud of them. I am proud of my Pastry Chef with her beautiful baby, my autistic son who showed all the professionals that they don't know squat about potential and my Jumper who is going into law enforcement. None of them finished a four year college. I do not care. None of us should put expectations on our children in order for us to feel good. It's too hard on us. It is too hard on them. Dear Copa, you are not in any way your mother, your father or your son. You are yourself. Your son is himself, independent of you. Your success as a kind and loving person has already been achieved and does not depend upon what your son accomplishes or even how he feels about you. When we have children, we do not get them with guarantees. Again, I feel this is especially true of our adopted children who are raised by us but may react to our values and teachings in unexpected ways because they do not inherit from us. Do I wish I'd just given birth to all my kids then? NO NO NO NO NO! I can't imagine life without my Princess and her little princess or my hero (my Sonic who is so beloved by all, especially me) or my wonderful, delightful Jumper. It is ok that they have their own genetics. They were made perfect. I would not trade any of them for ten biological children. And in some ways, through their own DNA and maybe a tad environment, they are like me, especially Princess. But our differences are BEAUTIFUL. We were all meant to be different. And we are a tight knit little clan...at least, I feel close as toast to all of them and would easily take a bullet for any of them because I have a mother's protective heart. But I don't believe they have to be any certain way for ME to be considered ok. I hope I'm not just rambling. I hope somebody gets me...I can be very bad at explaining myself. I mean that what our parents do, what our kids do, do NOT mean WE are either better or worse than the person who we already are. Their behavior...they own it. We own ours. At the same time, I am neither a better or worse person because of anything they have done or not done. We are seperate people, moreso now than before because they are adults. Copa, you need not connect yourself to another person. You are yourself, the only you in the world, and thank goodness for that and for your presence on this earth. [/QUOTE]
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