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You know what's the worse?
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 640085" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>GM, take a good hard look at that statement. Take it apart and recognize the remarkable illusion, the fantasy and the outright lie that it is. That lie has perpetuated mother guilt and mother doubt, self hatred and wrongful blame for probably centuries. GM, <em>it is not true.</em> A mother may WANT to protect her child, she may DESIRE to protect her child, she may PLAN on protecting her child, but because we are not super heroes, or bionic, because we are only human beings, our maternal powers are extremely limited. How does a mother protect a son who is doing battle in another country, a child who has cancer, a child who gets bullied, raped, killed, hit by a car, drowns.........bad things happen to children every single day and most have not only nothing to do with how the child was parented, or what kind of mother the child had, but is a random act which NO ONE has any control over. That one statement about what you believe you are supposed to do, will keep you not only guilty,but suffering enormous pain........pain which is not necessary, deserved, appropriate nor right.</p><p></p><p>You can punish yourself forever about your parenting skills.........if you believe you were "supposed to protect" your child.........because guilt requires punishment......it will rob you of a joyful life, it will take all of your moments and twist them around so that you can't allow yourself to have a good life because you didn't do something you believed you "should" have done, when all the time it was out of your control.</p><p></p><p>It took me a long time to come to this realization, to understand that my daughter is who she is, perhaps in some fashion because of some things I did or didn't do, but that she has her own destiny, her own fate, which she gets to work out, not me. I finally gave myself a break and realized I really did do the best I could at the time and when she became an adult it was now up to her to find herself and learn how to live in a way that brings her fulfillment and peace.</p><p></p><p>GM, many of us here have come out of a very dark childhood. I know it may sound absurd from where you are presently standing, but if you learn to love and accept your self, what happens is that you also learn to see that all of those "bad"things that happened to you, put you on a certain path which provided ways to learn courage, strength, resilience, compassion, personal power, kindness and love. We can get knocked down and drown in the darkness, or we can rise above it, learn who we are, learn to love ourself and find our own path in the world which will fit well and offer us the fulfillment we are looking for. I never thought I would say this when I was a younger woman, but all of the "bad"things that happened to me lead me to a place where I am whole, where I accept myself for who I am and love myself..........so those "bad" things were the catalyst for change, for growth, for healing and ultimately for love. They were, in fact, gifts.</p><p></p><p>There was a writer and humorist named Erma Bombeck years ago who said, "guilt is the gift that keeps on giving." And it does. It gives you massive amounts of unrelenting pain. GM, cut it out. Don't do it to yourself, it is self inflicted. It is because you believe you SHOULD have done something you didn't do. Change the should to could. You could have. But you didn't know enough. As you did know enough, you began to change. That is what we mothers do. We learn. We change. We grow. Give yourself a break GM. Not one of us here escapes that guilt, but many of us learn to let it go. And, that's when your life will blossom. You deserve that.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 640085, member: 13542"] GM, take a good hard look at that statement. Take it apart and recognize the remarkable illusion, the fantasy and the outright lie that it is. That lie has perpetuated mother guilt and mother doubt, self hatred and wrongful blame for probably centuries. GM, [I]it is not true.[/I] A mother may WANT to protect her child, she may DESIRE to protect her child, she may PLAN on protecting her child, but because we are not super heroes, or bionic, because we are only human beings, our maternal powers are extremely limited. How does a mother protect a son who is doing battle in another country, a child who has cancer, a child who gets bullied, raped, killed, hit by a car, drowns.........bad things happen to children every single day and most have not only nothing to do with how the child was parented, or what kind of mother the child had, but is a random act which NO ONE has any control over. That one statement about what you believe you are supposed to do, will keep you not only guilty,but suffering enormous pain........pain which is not necessary, deserved, appropriate nor right. You can punish yourself forever about your parenting skills.........if you believe you were "supposed to protect" your child.........because guilt requires punishment......it will rob you of a joyful life, it will take all of your moments and twist them around so that you can't allow yourself to have a good life because you didn't do something you believed you "should" have done, when all the time it was out of your control. It took me a long time to come to this realization, to understand that my daughter is who she is, perhaps in some fashion because of some things I did or didn't do, but that she has her own destiny, her own fate, which she gets to work out, not me. I finally gave myself a break and realized I really did do the best I could at the time and when she became an adult it was now up to her to find herself and learn how to live in a way that brings her fulfillment and peace. GM, many of us here have come out of a very dark childhood. I know it may sound absurd from where you are presently standing, but if you learn to love and accept your self, what happens is that you also learn to see that all of those "bad"things that happened to you, put you on a certain path which provided ways to learn courage, strength, resilience, compassion, personal power, kindness and love. We can get knocked down and drown in the darkness, or we can rise above it, learn who we are, learn to love ourself and find our own path in the world which will fit well and offer us the fulfillment we are looking for. I never thought I would say this when I was a younger woman, but all of the "bad"things that happened to me lead me to a place where I am whole, where I accept myself for who I am and love myself..........so those "bad" things were the catalyst for change, for growth, for healing and ultimately for love. They were, in fact, gifts. There was a writer and humorist named Erma Bombeck years ago who said, "guilt is the gift that keeps on giving." And it does. It gives you massive amounts of unrelenting pain. GM, cut it out. Don't do it to yourself, it is self inflicted. It is because you believe you SHOULD have done something you didn't do. Change the should to could. You could have. But you didn't know enough. As you did know enough, you began to change. That is what we mothers do. We learn. We change. We grow. Give yourself a break GM. Not one of us here escapes that guilt, but many of us learn to let it go. And, that's when your life will blossom. You deserve that. [/QUOTE]
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