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Your house/your rules -How to stop 17 yo from using pot in house?
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<blockquote data-quote="Percy" data-source="post: 706160" data-attributes="member: 21263"><p>Sigh...so I am back to this thread again. I'm sorry to continue on this topic, but I am at a loss, and you all have been so supportive and helpful.</p><p></p><p>Last night, 3am, I woke up to the smell of weed. I got up and went to the hall bathroom (the one my kids use). Door was closed; but not locked, because I removed the locks from the doors 6 months ago for this very reason, so he couldn't lock himself in to smoke. (bathroom has two doors, leading to two different hallways). 17 yo was in there. All other kids sound asleep. I used to hesitate to open the bathroom door, because what if he was undressed, or using the toilet. It seemed like crossing a personal privacy boundary that was inappropriate. But I have been girding myself that he doesn't deserve respect of those boundaries if he is smoking weed in my home, in my bathroom. That his expectation of privacy is negated by his blatant breaking of house rules, the law.</p><p></p><p>I opened the door, he was dressed post-shower (thank goodness) and he turned around to me and told me to leave. I calmly said, I smell weed. You are smoking in the bathroom. He said get out. I said, no I'm not going out. This is my home and you are smoking in it, you are not allowed to do that. The bathroom window was wide open (we leave in the northeast USA, single digit temps, so no rational reason for the window to be open.) On the counter were a book of matches and something else I couldn't quite see around the corner (irregularly shaped bathroom). Looked like bubble wrap maybe. On the floor was an empty soda bottle. I speculate that it was part of a homemade bong (soda bottle with socket wrench bit/cylindrical attachment through the lid - I find them all the time.)</p><p></p><p>We went several rounds of me saying, I'm not leaving. I smell weed and I want to see what is going on in here. He saying leave. etc. My son is over a foot taller than me, and 40+ lbs heavier. And much stronger. He was blocking me from entering at the doorway, but I finally stepped in because he was focused on blocking me from walking over to the counter. Every time I attempted to walk/slide/duck past him, he blocked me. He shouldered me back into doorway and made elbow/arm contact several times to block me, so he did make physical contact. I am providing this detail to show how it was partly a physical confrontation, but that he did NOT hit me, push me. He could easily have overpowered me and pushed me out of the bathroom - there is no question who could physically dominate whom. I don't know how to feel about that contact... a child blocking his mom and elbowing her like a toddler? or a man elbowing and shouldering another, smaller, weaker person..?</p><p></p><p>***<strong>You all helped me so much to recognize one dynamic in the moment</strong> (I often would see it after the fact, but last night was the first time I was very cognizant while it was happening.) He told me that he wasn't going to move, I wasn't coming in, he could stand there all night, I should just leave, he could do this for hours, and what did I think was going to happen? that suddenly he would start respecting me and following my rules? that in 5 minutes he would change his mind and start to respect me? After years of my terrible parenting, that I was a terrible parent, why did I think he would respect me, why would he follow one of my insane rules, that he has no respect for me, that he doesn't even consider me a parent... ETC. ***</p><p></p><p>Well, <strong>for the first time I saw it in the moment for the diversionary tactic that it is. I</strong> felt so much stronger, and in more control, even though it was 3am and I was in my bathrobe and I was in a standoff with my son in the bathroom door, him blocking my entry. <strong>THANK YOU to everyone who helped me alter my thinking to be able to see such a dynamic in the moment.</strong></p><p></p><p>I didn't engage on any of it, I merely repeated: "Move." "You may not block me" "You may not smoke in my home" calmly, over and over. After about 20 min. He turned on his heel, quickly grabbed all the stuff on the counter (which I still had not seen clearly, other than the book of matches) and stuffed it in his pockets, and stormed out of the bathroom telling me f-you, and variations thereof. I didn't really see what he put in his pocket, due to the angle.</p><p></p><p><strong>I don't know what to think now.</strong></p><p><strong>I guess I prevailed in the standoff, and held my ground - did I prevail? Or did I lose because I engaged in the standoff?</strong></p><p><strong>Did I show strength or weakness? It was clear that I couldn't move past him, and that physically he was in control.</strong></p><p></p><p><strong>AND WHAT DO I DO NOW</strong>? <strong>I am thinking I should remove his bedroom door today.</strong> Along the lines of he loses privacy because he abuses his privacy by using drugs in my house. And I found and confiscated the bong etc. in his room a few days ago. So he is abusing the privacy in his room, and the bathroom. Thus, he loses such privacy.</p><p><strong></strong></p><p><strong>I sort of feel like I should take off one of the bathroom doors as well?</strong> (we have another 1/2 bath in our house, so there is a toilet in a bathroom with a door for the kids to use, and there is an opaque shower curtain in there, and the younger kids don't even use that shower because they like mine better.). If it were only he, I would do that in a heartbeat.<strong> But I am hesitating to do that because that directly and negatively impacts my other 4 children (aged 11-16), who deserve privacy and are entitled to a door on their bathroom. But as long as there is a door on that bathroom, I feel certain he will continue to smoke in there... I am torn...??</strong></p><p></p><p>Sorry for the long post, but the middle of the night confrontation was so upsetting, and my stomach has been churning from it. (Right after it I experienced such massive acid reflux I was tossing back Zantac in desperation!)</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Percy, post: 706160, member: 21263"] Sigh...so I am back to this thread again. I'm sorry to continue on this topic, but I am at a loss, and you all have been so supportive and helpful. Last night, 3am, I woke up to the smell of weed. I got up and went to the hall bathroom (the one my kids use). Door was closed; but not locked, because I removed the locks from the doors 6 months ago for this very reason, so he couldn't lock himself in to smoke. (bathroom has two doors, leading to two different hallways). 17 yo was in there. All other kids sound asleep. I used to hesitate to open the bathroom door, because what if he was undressed, or using the toilet. It seemed like crossing a personal privacy boundary that was inappropriate. But I have been girding myself that he doesn't deserve respect of those boundaries if he is smoking weed in my home, in my bathroom. That his expectation of privacy is negated by his blatant breaking of house rules, the law. I opened the door, he was dressed post-shower (thank goodness) and he turned around to me and told me to leave. I calmly said, I smell weed. You are smoking in the bathroom. He said get out. I said, no I'm not going out. This is my home and you are smoking in it, you are not allowed to do that. The bathroom window was wide open (we leave in the northeast USA, single digit temps, so no rational reason for the window to be open.) On the counter were a book of matches and something else I couldn't quite see around the corner (irregularly shaped bathroom). Looked like bubble wrap maybe. On the floor was an empty soda bottle. I speculate that it was part of a homemade bong (soda bottle with socket wrench bit/cylindrical attachment through the lid - I find them all the time.) We went several rounds of me saying, I'm not leaving. I smell weed and I want to see what is going on in here. He saying leave. etc. My son is over a foot taller than me, and 40+ lbs heavier. And much stronger. He was blocking me from entering at the doorway, but I finally stepped in because he was focused on blocking me from walking over to the counter. Every time I attempted to walk/slide/duck past him, he blocked me. He shouldered me back into doorway and made elbow/arm contact several times to block me, so he did make physical contact. I am providing this detail to show how it was partly a physical confrontation, but that he did NOT hit me, push me. He could easily have overpowered me and pushed me out of the bathroom - there is no question who could physically dominate whom. I don't know how to feel about that contact... a child blocking his mom and elbowing her like a toddler? or a man elbowing and shouldering another, smaller, weaker person..? ***[B]You all helped me so much to recognize one dynamic in the moment[/B] (I often would see it after the fact, but last night was the first time I was very cognizant while it was happening.) He told me that he wasn't going to move, I wasn't coming in, he could stand there all night, I should just leave, he could do this for hours, and what did I think was going to happen? that suddenly he would start respecting me and following my rules? that in 5 minutes he would change his mind and start to respect me? After years of my terrible parenting, that I was a terrible parent, why did I think he would respect me, why would he follow one of my insane rules, that he has no respect for me, that he doesn't even consider me a parent... ETC. *** Well, [B]for the first time I saw it in the moment for the diversionary tactic that it is. I[/B] felt so much stronger, and in more control, even though it was 3am and I was in my bathrobe and I was in a standoff with my son in the bathroom door, him blocking my entry. [B]THANK YOU to everyone who helped me alter my thinking to be able to see such a dynamic in the moment.[/B] I didn't engage on any of it, I merely repeated: "Move." "You may not block me" "You may not smoke in my home" calmly, over and over. After about 20 min. He turned on his heel, quickly grabbed all the stuff on the counter (which I still had not seen clearly, other than the book of matches) and stuffed it in his pockets, and stormed out of the bathroom telling me f-you, and variations thereof. I didn't really see what he put in his pocket, due to the angle. [B]I don't know what to think now. I guess I prevailed in the standoff, and held my ground - did I prevail? Or did I lose because I engaged in the standoff? Did I show strength or weakness? It was clear that I couldn't move past him, and that physically he was in control.[/B] [B]AND WHAT DO I DO NOW[/B]? [B]I am thinking I should remove his bedroom door today.[/B] Along the lines of he loses privacy because he abuses his privacy by using drugs in my house. And I found and confiscated the bong etc. in his room a few days ago. So he is abusing the privacy in his room, and the bathroom. Thus, he loses such privacy. [B] I sort of feel like I should take off one of the bathroom doors as well?[/B] (we have another 1/2 bath in our house, so there is a toilet in a bathroom with a door for the kids to use, and there is an opaque shower curtain in there, and the younger kids don't even use that shower because they like mine better.). If it were only he, I would do that in a heartbeat.[B] But I am hesitating to do that because that directly and negatively impacts my other 4 children (aged 11-16), who deserve privacy and are entitled to a door on their bathroom. But as long as there is a door on that bathroom, I feel certain he will continue to smoke in there... I am torn...??[/B] Sorry for the long post, but the middle of the night confrontation was so upsetting, and my stomach has been churning from it. (Right after it I experienced such massive acid reflux I was tossing back Zantac in desperation!) [/QUOTE]
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