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Your input on difficult child daughter coming home
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 615584" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Did she ask to come home Cedar? Is the shelter where she is now still an option? Where is she now? Who told you she has brain damage, were you able to talk to any doctors.? You might ask her for permission to see the medical records so you know what the truth is and what you're dealing with.</p><p></p><p>I can only imagine the feelings you and husband are having now. Four months sounds like a long time.</p><p></p><p>First and foremost I think you have to take <u>very good care of yourselves. Both of you. </u></p><p></p><p>difficult child daughter needs to get a reality check while in your home, the power balance has changed and I think you need to assert that immediately by giving her the run down of options should this not work out for YOU and husband. Good to have the shelter number and address available and talking to them before does sound like a great idea. Are you aware of what the eviction laws are in your state? Find out. She may know them and use them to her advantage, better you have all the facts just in case. Find out what it takes, where you go, all of the info on restraining orders..........not for her, for any of her "friends" that may come courtin' near YOUR home. Get all the facts you'll need at the ready.</p><p></p><p>Before husband leaves, get absolutely clear what the deal breakers are, using drugs, drinking, bringing men in to your home, contacting the "bad men" <em>doing anything that will make you and husband unhappy.</em> This is not her vacation, this is <u>your</u> home, it is not her home, <strong>she is a guest.</strong>........and you want it to stay as peaceful and quiet as it is when she is not there. Get clear on what you expect of her, the NAMI class is wonderful, you might include 12 step groups too...........but also to treat you and husband with respect and gratitude.............no outbursts, blame or BS directed at you.</p><p></p><p>Don't give her any money or buy her anything that isn't absolutely necessary, hold on to your generosity for now, this is not the time to be showering her with gifts or making her stay easy in any way.............this is simply a 'time out' of her life to be able to get healthier. If you find that is not happening and she is just lollygagging around waiting for the next bit of excitement to enter............that is not what she is there for.</p><p></p><p>My daughter's brief stay with me almost 2 years ago gave me an "opportunity" every single day to get clear on what I DID NOT WANT in my home...............every day I got better at setting boundaries, insisting on being treated better, calling her on all kinds of stuff I had formerly let slide (to my peril too) so stay centered with your husband and the two of you tell her how you really feel and what YOU want. Ultimately my difficult child left because we "had too many rules." The "rules" were all common sense and manners which would apply to anyone. </p><p></p><p>If you can make it very very clear where you stand, what you want, what you don't want, all the boundaries stated and insisted upon...............she may not stay very long...........since one of the common traits of most of our difficult child's is that they abhor any kind of limit on their freedom...............what the rest of us assume to be simply courteous and respectful, they often experience as way too much control put on them. You and husband should resume your lives with as little inconvenience at all............ALL the inconvenience should be hers. She messed up. Not you.</p><p></p><p>And, if she and your neighbor connect in any fashion which gives him access to her for some time................it will likely end appropriately all on it's own without you having to do or say anything.</p><p></p><p>Make all of your boundaries, wishes, expectations and desires absolutely clear and then enforce them. </p><p></p><p>If you are surprised or scared, or in any way perturbed, do not reply immediately to your difficult child..........make a pact with husband that if any of that happens, the two of you will say, "Ill have to get back to you on that........" And go have a pow wow, or call a friend, or get on this board and yell HELP.............you are still 'in training' so you may let her get too far before you put the brakes on...............retreat and get help quick. We're changing our initial responses and it takes practice.......</p><p></p><p>However this goes it will be the way it is supposed to go, whether she comes, stays, resists, manipulates, accuses, blames, resents, bullies, steals, lies, or whatever...............she will respond to you and the new BAD CEDAR. As long as you stay in your strength and stay the course, this will work out well for YOU. What your daughter does or doesn't do is entirely up to her. Gosh, I so wish you luck with this..................you're really going through your very own 'trial by fire' aren't you? Sending all kinds of good thoughts and big hugs...........</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 615584, member: 13542"] Did she ask to come home Cedar? Is the shelter where she is now still an option? Where is she now? Who told you she has brain damage, were you able to talk to any doctors.? You might ask her for permission to see the medical records so you know what the truth is and what you're dealing with. I can only imagine the feelings you and husband are having now. Four months sounds like a long time. First and foremost I think you have to take [U]very good care of yourselves. Both of you. [/U] difficult child daughter needs to get a reality check while in your home, the power balance has changed and I think you need to assert that immediately by giving her the run down of options should this not work out for YOU and husband. Good to have the shelter number and address available and talking to them before does sound like a great idea. Are you aware of what the eviction laws are in your state? Find out. She may know them and use them to her advantage, better you have all the facts just in case. Find out what it takes, where you go, all of the info on restraining orders..........not for her, for any of her "friends" that may come courtin' near YOUR home. Get all the facts you'll need at the ready. Before husband leaves, get absolutely clear what the deal breakers are, using drugs, drinking, bringing men in to your home, contacting the "bad men" [I]doing anything that will make you and husband unhappy.[/I] This is not her vacation, this is [U]your[/U] home, it is not her home, [B]she is a guest.[/B]........and you want it to stay as peaceful and quiet as it is when she is not there. Get clear on what you expect of her, the NAMI class is wonderful, you might include 12 step groups too...........but also to treat you and husband with respect and gratitude.............no outbursts, blame or BS directed at you. Don't give her any money or buy her anything that isn't absolutely necessary, hold on to your generosity for now, this is not the time to be showering her with gifts or making her stay easy in any way.............this is simply a 'time out' of her life to be able to get healthier. If you find that is not happening and she is just lollygagging around waiting for the next bit of excitement to enter............that is not what she is there for. My daughter's brief stay with me almost 2 years ago gave me an "opportunity" every single day to get clear on what I DID NOT WANT in my home...............every day I got better at setting boundaries, insisting on being treated better, calling her on all kinds of stuff I had formerly let slide (to my peril too) so stay centered with your husband and the two of you tell her how you really feel and what YOU want. Ultimately my difficult child left because we "had too many rules." The "rules" were all common sense and manners which would apply to anyone. If you can make it very very clear where you stand, what you want, what you don't want, all the boundaries stated and insisted upon...............she may not stay very long...........since one of the common traits of most of our difficult child's is that they abhor any kind of limit on their freedom...............what the rest of us assume to be simply courteous and respectful, they often experience as way too much control put on them. You and husband should resume your lives with as little inconvenience at all............ALL the inconvenience should be hers. She messed up. Not you. And, if she and your neighbor connect in any fashion which gives him access to her for some time................it will likely end appropriately all on it's own without you having to do or say anything. Make all of your boundaries, wishes, expectations and desires absolutely clear and then enforce them. If you are surprised or scared, or in any way perturbed, do not reply immediately to your difficult child..........make a pact with husband that if any of that happens, the two of you will say, "Ill have to get back to you on that........" And go have a pow wow, or call a friend, or get on this board and yell HELP.............you are still 'in training' so you may let her get too far before you put the brakes on...............retreat and get help quick. We're changing our initial responses and it takes practice....... However this goes it will be the way it is supposed to go, whether she comes, stays, resists, manipulates, accuses, blames, resents, bullies, steals, lies, or whatever...............she will respond to you and the new BAD CEDAR. As long as you stay in your strength and stay the course, this will work out well for YOU. What your daughter does or doesn't do is entirely up to her. Gosh, I so wish you luck with this..................you're really going through your very own 'trial by fire' aren't you? Sending all kinds of good thoughts and big hugs........... [/QUOTE]
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