2 of difficult child's ex friends got kicked out of school

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by TerryJ2, Mar 30, 2012.

  1. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    So, difficult child had this friend, T, about whom I posted several times at the beginning of the yr. He lives nearby, and was always over at our house. He would ingratiate himself and compliment me (think of Eddie Haskell) and override difficult child on food preferences, and even play interference when difficult child was beginning to rage, and try to explain to us what difficult child was trying to say.
    difficult child totally quit hanging around with-him, about the time I found out that he'd used pot and who knows what else (not crack, but another word ... I actually posted it but don't recall the word at the moment), and I called his mom, and she was in total denial. (Very young and naive. In the middle of a divorce and totally into her own life, as is the dad.) difficult child is black and white when he makes decisions. I actually tried to talk him into being friends with-T again. difficult child said no. Absolutely not.
    difficult child was right ...
    T and his supplier got caught on school property and both got kicked out. They're both in juvie. (I hope they are seprated. This is a big small town and to put them together in juvie would be like putting the fox in the hen house.)
    I'm glad difficult child told us everything before it all imploded, and that he cut off T, too.
    All in all, T is a nice kid. Just needs more guidance. Sigh.
    I asked difficult child what he thought about T.
    "I couldn't care less."
    Alrighty, then.

    Oh, difficult child doesn't really know the other kid except in passing. I just don't know how to change my subject heading ...
  2. buddy

    buddy New Member

    UMM thank heaven he chose not to be friends with him... that hit close to home. Just think if he even just would have been hanging with him that day. too close for comfort.

    It is sad when kids who are not really "bad" kids get in so much trouble. I hope he gets help. Bet his mom is not in denial any longer.
  3. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Good for difficult child!!! I think he showed very good judgement in not wanting to be around someone who is already trying drugs at their young ages. Sometimes black and white thinking is a GOOD thing. I know I have always been thankful that Wiz sees drugs in the black part of his black and white thinking, esp as he is on medications. I am sorry the boy's mom is too wrapped up in herself, and that is one big factor in kids who get itno drugs but not the only one. I hope T and his supplier get help and accept it, but at least that isn't a problem of difficult child's and he didn't get into trouble for being iwth them. In our schools if you are iwth someone who is using you also get into trouble even if you are not, unless you can somehow PROVE that you are not involved.

    Sometimes our kids show good judgement even when we don't expect it. Go difficult child!!
  4. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Yep. I am debating whether I should reward him somehow or just act like it's normal to have good judgment. Well, it is. But not for g'sfg. ;)
  5. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    TerryJ2, good for your difficult child. I don't know, even easy child teens don't always have such good judgment, so praising him and acknowledging his good choice seems appropriate. I think we all respond to positive strokes, especially kids who often because of their bad choices don't get to hear those "good job" statements very much. Thanks for sharing that, it feels good to hear your story.
  6. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    Good for your difficult child!! I would definately tell him that he made a really good judgment call when he cut ties with T. difficult child saw something that he knew was wrong, or that he didn't like, and he walked away from it. In the process, he might have saved his own skin!
  7. Giulia

    Giulia New Member

    Like the others said, having a good judgment is granted for you, but not granted for him.
    So praise him for having this good judgment cannot harm at all. Even, it will reinforce him in the wish to make good choices.

    Also, the more you'll praise him for his good actions, the more you give him the will to make good actions. He wants to be noticed what he makes good.

    If you notice only his bad choices and you ignore his good choices because you take them for granted, it's the best solution to launch the spiral of bad choices.

    So even the smallest good choices, the smallest positive action deserves to be noticed and praised.
    He grumps when he washed the dishes ? the most important is that he washed the dishes. So thank him for having washed the dishes, and ignore his grumpiness.
    The most important is that he washed the dishes, so notice it.

    As we say in France, "we don't attract ants with vinegar"....
  8. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    Terry~ Good for difficult child! I would also acknowledge his sound judgement regarding T, but don't go over the top since so many of our kids react negatively to such things. Just a simple acknowledgement and I would say that you're glad he knew to cut ties with T because you'd hate for him to face the problems T now has. And, when he points out that you wanted him to give T a 2nd chance, just say that you were thinking with your heart because of his parents' divorce, etc.
  9. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Yes - difficult child showed excellent judgment. Way to go!
  10. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Thanks! Yes, we had a family mtng this a.m. with-difficult child and I had him tell husband about T and E. husband immediately lavished praise on him and difficult child kind of shrugged. But I know it was worth bringing up and that difficult child liked hearing the praise, even though he acted nonchalant.
    He helped me plant bulbs around noon and complained through the whole thing because he wanted to skip baseball practice and hang out with-a friend.
    He stayed up until 11:15 last night when he told me he was turning off his video game at 9:15, and then this a.m. at 7:30 he swiped my keys while I was sleeping (I thought I'd caught him because he leapt back from the nightstand and his hands were empty, but it turns out he was returning the keys) and turned the modem back on so he could play again. Grrr.
    It is soooo hard to praise him when he's always doing something he's not supposed to be. (Okay, he's not smoking weed. ;) )
  11. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Guilia, we have a similar phrase in Australia - "You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar."

    Terry, you can only do so much. Some of this behaviour is typical teen. At least he told you about his friend's drug use and cut all contact. That shows that your values are rubbing off.

    Increasingly, I'm dumping choices and responsibility back onto difficult child 3. He has one last assessment task to do, he has until Thursday, he will be too busy Mon, Tues and Wed. Did he do any work yesterday? No. How much did he do on Friday? ONE problem. But instead of rousing him out of bed at 6 am and having him angry, resentful and oppositional all day, I ask him the night before, "What time do you want me to wake you in the morning? What is your plan for the day? Does it include time to get some work done too?" Then I remind him of his plan.
    And Monday when he comes home from college at lunchtime, SpEd will be on the phone to him, nagging...

    We find gaming seduces the kid away from responsibility. As I've explained to both boys, gaming is designed to keep you playing. Although there are some games I've found on FB (and difficult child 3 is starting to appreciate these) where you run out of time or points, and have to wait until they fill back up again. So the game itself throws you off until later. Good programming!

    difficult child 3 is currently most distracted by instant messaging. But it's hard to be critical, when it's teaching him social interaction. He's still got a lot to learn.

    Sometimes I wish he had two heads so I could bang 'em together...

  12. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    you run out of time or points, and have to wait until they fill back up again. So the game itself throws you off until later. Good programming!

    That does sound good, Marg!

    You don't need two heads to bang together. Just use the closest wall. :)

    Yes, instand msg is incessant. Arrrgh!
  13. Marg's Man

    Marg's Man Member

    Our closets are built-ins in a full brick house - can't do that we might damage the closets.

    It's not child abuse anymore either - he's a legal adult now so it's assault with [insert weapon of choice here]

    Marg's Man
    (and I DON'T mean Christopher Walken's version)