20 year old daughter and newborn baby kicked out

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by SRJD, Sep 25, 2015.

  1. SRJD

    SRJD New Member

    Hi..
    I am very new to this forum. I need help. My guilt is overwhelming. I have 4 adult children. Twins that are 20, both just had babies within in two weeks of each other. The second daughter and I have had a terrible time with each other and her boyfriend. She informed me via text message that her newborn baby was going to live with the boyfriend and she was going to live with me. When she arrived at my house, two days ago, she gave him the baby and came back to her room. I confronted her and said no way, she needed to be with her newborn baby, that she had to go with him. I had to tell her twice. She went. Now of course I don't know where they are, what is going on, if she is safe.. I know I told her to go, but I can't even fathom her 20 year boyfriend let alone her taking care of a newborn. I am sure there is so much more going on that she will not tell me, but she has told me that all decisions regarding the baby are made by her boyfriend. Of course her boyfriend texted me telling me I was terrible for kicking my daughter out. Never mentioned the baby, just my daughter. I went to a therapist yesterday, felt like I was going to crack in half, he said I did the right thing and there are resources for her and the baby. I feel helpless and wrong.
     
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  2. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome, SRJD

    I think you would feel even worse if the baby were out there somewhere alone with the boyfriend and your daughter was with you.

    The relationship between your daughter and her boyfriend seems really unusual. I have never heard of a man telling his girlfriend to go live with her mother and leave the baby with him, and the woman doing it.

    Do you have any explanation why your daughter wanted to move back into your house without her baby?

    You don't have to explain yourself to the boyfriend EVER. Frankly, he sounds very controlling, and he may want to control you and your household as well. Don't let this happen.

    There is not really anything you can do in this situation, especially when he does all the decision-making for the baby, and your daughter allows this.

    Stay with us and post. Take care of yourself.

    Others will come along.

    Apple
     
  3. SRJD

    SRJD New Member

    Thank you for your reply. My heart is breaking. Yes he is very controlling and I allowed him to live here for four months of this pregnancy and because my brother confronted him about his behavior, now all of a sudden he was going to take the baby. I feel for my daughter, but she needs to take a stand and your right, she needs to take a stand. She can come home with her baby, she knows this, but this is my first attempt at "tough love" if that's what this is and its so hard. And yes, no matter what, she needs to be with her baby. No explanation why she would stay here and let him take the baby. I know my daughter has some mental issues and having a baby probably made it even worse, but as hard as it is, I have to let her come to me. I can't try to control her anymore. Thanks again Apple for your reply. I will keep you updated.
    Sheri
     
  4. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    Oh my. Something definitely does not sound right with your daughter. I cannot imagine a woman walking away from her newborn. I know your heart is breaking. Has she ever been a problem? If you are willing to let her and the baby live with you, have you tried having a heart to heart with her about that?

    I am so sorry you are dealing with all of this turmoil... :(
     
  5. SRJD

    SRJD New Member

    I have had many trials with this daughter. She is my problem child. I am willing to let her and the baby live her, but I need to her to come to me, because I always go searching or begging her and if I do it again I will have lost my position in this house. She has controlled me for many years and and heart to hearts with her never end well. She wants to drudge up the past with her siblings, my divorce, her teenage years, which by the way I have and still work two jobs to put food on the table and pay the bills for my kids, but I don't like her boyfriend and because I made him "move out" as she stated to me a year ago when she moved out and back in (pregnant), I will choose him over you always. So, yes she is my difficult one, but I would never want her to be at harm or the baby.
     
  6. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Welcome SRJD, I am so sorry for what you are going through. I'm glad you found us here. You will find wonderful support here.

    It's very odd that your daughter would want to leave the baby with the father/boyfriend. My initial feeling is that he is very controlling but it could also be that your daughter is experiencing post partum depression.

    Know this, you did nothing wrong with telling your daughter that she had to leave and be with her baby. You have nothing to feel guilty about whatsoever. She made and adult decision to engage in activity that led to her having a baby now she needs to make another adult decision and care for her child.

    I see you are willing to have just her and the baby live with you. That is a very generous and loving offer but please be very careful as this could lead to a very co-dependent relationship. It's one thing if she will start to take care of herself and the baby, get a job or go back to school but if she depends on you to take care of not only her but the baby as well you will find yourself in a very difficult situation.

    You mentioned that you went to see a therapist, VERY GOOD. I would suggest that you let your therapist know that you are willing to have her and baby live with you and ask the therapist to help you set strict boundaries. You cannot allow her to live in your home without any rules or timeline that has an end date.

    You are here with us now, this is a good place to be.

    :notalone:

    ((HUGS)) for your hurting heart..................
     
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  7. SRJD

    SRJD New Member

    Thanks Tanya,
    I have to rethink the living situation. I am sure the therapist would disapprove. I have to let her do this on her own, because the boundaries would be crossed all the time. She has been doing it since she was about 14. I am glad I found this support group here.. all of you have been helping my heavy heart. Thank you so much... and thanks for the hugs.. :)
     
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  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Has s he gone to court to discuss custody of the baby? Until she does, the boyfriend can run off across the country and hide the baby from her and it may be legal. I know that married couples can not legally "Kidnap" kids. If a father takes a child from his wife, it is not kidnapping. I don't know about unmarried couples.

    I do not think you are obligated to let your daughter live with you, but, if it were me, I'd definitely want that newborn in safe hands and would probably call CPS to at least explain the situation and have them check in on this boyfriend to make sure the baby is being cared for properly. I can only imagine how helpless you feel and I understand why you don't want to kowtow to a daughter who has been so abusive to you and still is. If she does stay with you, baby or not baby, you are allowed to set strict rules in your own home and one rule can be, "If you talk abusively to me, you will have to leave." You deserve respect for helping her. Heck, you are her mother and a human being who loves her. If she can't respect you, I would not blame you for making her leave.

    Never let this boyfriend live with you again. I don't feel, in my opinion, that it's ever a good idea to let a boyfriend live with us, the parents, in our home. They aren't family and this is OUR home, our sanctuary, our rules, our safe place. Even if daughter begs and pleads, I would not allow it, if it were my daughter. It's too bad they had a baby considering they can't seem to support themselves, but it's done. Now in my opinion the baby is the important one. You are limited in what you can do, but you can always try. Isf you feel the baby is unsafe, act on it. If YOU want custody, get a lawyer and try. Grandparents are at a disadvantage until the adult kids are clearly unfit per a judge. But some people here DID get custody of grandchildren. There is also foster care, if you feel unable to take care of a baby. Both your daughter and her boyfriend don't seem ready to parent and I'm guessing the boyfriend may be a domestic abuser or a potential one. Scary. That type of control freaking is a big red flag for abuse. Daughter needs to stand up for herself. If she is afraid of him there are domestic abuse shelters where she AND her baby can live while they get help from the services offered. She is a mother now. Hopefully she will step up.

    Hugs for your hurting heart. I am very sorry this is going on and am puzzled at your daughter's behavior AND her boyfriend's. Does he have another girlfriend he doesn't want her to see? It smells fishy to me and I think s he should probably take the baby and find a place to live (probably be best if not with you). Does she work? Did she graduate from high school? Are drugs in the picture?
     
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  9. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    SRJD, I hear you.
    I am so sorry. My heart would be breaking, too.
    First of all, it is her life and you are right to create boundaries.
    Second of all ... I'd be very concerned about the safety of the baby.
    And maybe your daughter.
    One of our cousins had a controlling husband, to the point where he installed video cameras all over the house and called to ask her why she was in certain rooms.
    She is divorced now, but because she was drinking, she lost custody of their child. She got a job and regained visitation but boy, these men can do a job on your mind! He is remarried and things seem to be smoothing out.
    I just mention that because I'm wondering if you can find out how he controls her ... finances, cameras, physical abuse, verbal abuse, all of the above? Does she have a FB account where you can "see" her? (Although her boyfriend probably doesn't allow her a FB page.)

    You are right to be concerned AND you are also right to create boundaries. And right to see a therapist.

    I've got my own new baby situation going on but it will be a different shade of stupid.
     
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  10. SRJD

    SRJD New Member

     
  11. SRJD

    SRJD New Member

    They are both 20. They were living with me up until about a month ago, I asked him to leave after four months, he had been homeless. Kicked out of the marines. I have had these heart to hearts with her before she got pregnant, she was not living with me when she got pregnant, found out after she moved back home. Fights with me, her older sister and now her brother because I had him ask the boy to leave when he snuck into my house again while I was at work. These two have a long history of disrespect. He told me when the baby was born I needed his permission to see the baby. The list goes on and on. He is already divorced with a 2 year old. Controlling I am sure, but my daughter continues with her relationship. I have told her so much, yet she made her choice, him. I am worried about the baby, I called a social worker at the hospital where the baby was born and they said they could both be homeless as long as the baby is well taken care of and no signs of abuse. I can't prove anything cause I dont know where they are.
     
  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    SRJD, you can not change your daughter. She is an adult.

    Try to take care of yourself. Don't talk to her about what s he should and should not do. Waste of time. It will go in one ear, out the other, and she waill find a way to use the words you say against you. This young man sounds like bad news, but she is drawn to him so she has problems too. You can't solve them for her. She is too old. She has to be the one to get help and change herself.

    Do what you can for the baby.

    And get on with your life. You're important too...as important as they are. And you don't deserve to be mistreated by your own daughter. If it were me, I have learned (and it took a long time) that I won't allow anyone to abuse me, not even my adult children. Done with anyone abusing me. Nobody has a God given right to abuse anybody. Her mistakes are her fault 100%, not yours.

    If you contact a lawyer and are told there is nothing you can do for the baby, then that's the law. I think some laws are goofy, but it is what it is. I'm sure you have other loved ones who appreciate your good heart and kindness and treat you well. Id' focus on them now, and on yourself. This unfortunate situation is out of your hands. You can't control it, but you CAN control how you deal with it and taking care of YOURSELF is a great start.

    Good luck and keep us updated. Keep posting. It helps.
     
  13. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    {You're important too...as important as they are. }
    :likeit:
     
  14. SRJD

    SRJD New Member

    Thanks everyone.. I will keep posting.. It is out of my hands, that's the hard part. I need to get used to that..I can keep my faith and pray that they are safe and making good decisions.
     
  15. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    In light of what you said about kicking the boyfriend out--I wonder if his intent was to send your daughter back to your home without the baby so you might be put in the position of begging him (and your grandchild) to come back to live.
    Then you foiled that plan by not allowing daughter back! Yeah! He would then have been in control of you and your household. Don't ever let that happen.
    Does he have any visitation with his 2yo?
    It sounds like you have had a difficult time with your daughter for quite a few years. It would probably be best if she went to a women's shelter with her baby in the event that she leaves her boyfriend. They would be able to direct her towards services and she would have to learn to take care of herself. If she comes to live with you, that may never happen.
    Hang in there and try not to feel guilty. You have nothing to feel guilty about. It is their life to live.

    Apple
     
  16. SRJD

    SRJD New Member

    His son lives in North Dakota, we are in California. I don't know the last time he saw his other son. His ex-wife moved to be with her family to raise him. I would hope my daughter would seek help, but she is the fireball of my four. I never thought about what you suggested, but it makes sense. He is that conniving. I can't let it happen. I think that she might try to stay with a friend of hers from childhood, the girl though her intentions are good, interfered greatly with all three of my daughters about 5 years ago, they remained friends. At least she is safe. I am not sure, its just a hunch.. She would seek her out whenever we fought, which was a lot not too long ago. Its hard to let go.. but today is better than the others for me, this forum has really helped. Thanks so much.. I appreciate all the comments, views, opinions and experience.

    Sheri
     
  17. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Sheri welcome to the forum. You have gotten great thinking and support. One thing I want to add is this: each one of us deserves a home that is a sanctuary. When we are dealing with a Difficult Child, and living and struggling with trying to accept and deal with it all, we need a place of peace and calm. I came to the point and I am still at the point where I protect our home for myself and my husband. I am happy to have any of our four kids (my two sons and his two daughters) for a very short period of transitional time but I don't believe either of us would ever want any one of the four to live with us beyond a week or two and only then if absolutely necessary. We love our kids but I have come to believe that God never meant for grown kids and parents to try to coexist under the same roof. It just doesn't work. That said, I know it is very hard to say you're out of here knowing they have no place to go but I did it multiple times with my son and he survived every time.

    Please know we are here for you, we understand the complexities of it all because we have been there and we respect you and your decisions whatever they are.
     
  18. Pandora

    Pandora Member

    This is very odd ..... could the boyfriend have someone else helping him with the baby?
     
  19. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi SRJD, So sorry for your troubles that have led you here.
    It is tough especially with grand babies involved. I agree with everything said- good solid advice. You have made the right decision. It's hard, but it's right.

    My daughter became difficult around 12, very stubborn and headstrong. She had her first child at 15 so we were responsible for her and the baby. The father was very controlling. She wound up going back and forth between our house and his parents. We ended up becoming unwilling participants in their crazy lifestyle. That was nearly 12 years, two more children, and many sad, and heart wrenching episodes ago.

    12 very long years of homecomings and leavings, three grandchildren whom we love, who crave and create chaos, never learned to respect belongings, or have manners in the house and everything else that comes with children being born into this mess. It is not their fault.

    My other children would say " you've got to help them" , "what about the kids" etc. We continued down this rocky road of having them in our home, we thought we were helping, we weren't.

    All the help went unappreciated, it became an expectation. These two biological "parents" didn't learn to take on their responsibilities and at 27 and 29, still act like teenagers. So, in reality, the help was not help. We got sucked into enabling and brought much stress and heartache upon ourselves.

    We didn't save our grandchildren, we prolonged their misery. Looking back, I believe if we had taken a stance like yours long ago, it would have forced my daughter to make different choices.

    That is the retrospect I share with you in hopes that it will help you stay the course you have set. There is help out there.

    Obviously, your daughter is not in a good frame of mind and her boyfriend is sketchy. This equates to a lot of trouble. By not taking them in, you are helping them "man up" to the job.

    I agree that home is our sanctuary and we must protect that. This, after years of opening up our small home and each time, it eventually became a veritable war zone.

    Stand firm, SRJD. You have raised your daughter. She is an adult and responsible for her choices, good or bad.

    I am building myself up for the next impending plea from my daughter to come home. I will say
    " Go to a domestic violence shelter". There my daughter and her children will get the help they truly need, counseling, rules they will have to abide by. They will be fast tracked for housing. They will be around trained professionals who know how to deal with their many issues.

    I am seeing that my daughter and I have a caustic relationship and that we cannot raise our grandchildren. We have no rights to them and after dealing a few times with CPS, their ultimate goal is to "reunite families" parents and children, because that is best.

    I am trying to pick up the pieces and repair my heart. By allowing our daughter in and out of the revolving door, we have given up and given in way too much. Her life, her attitude, has not changed much. Her children suffer still and we, along with them.

    So, my dear, there is the other side of the coin.

    Do yourself, your daughter and her child a favor by staying firm and truly helping her realize her responsibilities. The earlier you do the better, which is what you have done.

    (((((Hugs))))) and best wishes to you and yours.
     
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  20. SRJD

    SRJD New Member




    WOW!!!!

    Your words hit home... Thank you so much. This daughter came home today and she just came in like she does and demands that we talk and she needs to live here with the baby, because I said they

    could live here. Well after about one hour of bulls**t, the point came out that I want to her to leave and yes that does mean as she said that I will never see her or the baby again. All because I don't like

    his dad she says. Well I did tell her to take the blame too, but I fed into the pointless and repetitive conversations that we have had for years. Bottom line, I told her to leave. She just came to me now

    and told me not to tell anyone in the family our business. I told her buzz off. I can do and say what I want. I am over the abuse that I have taken for years, spoiling her and allowing her to run my life

    and my house. I feel horrible but at the same time a little liberated. I know that this journey will get harder, not seeing her or the baby or talking to her, but when she was gone for almost a week my

    house was at peace and they craziness that is happening right now is incredible. I have her twin sister which is borderline like her, but right now she is ok, just barely, but ok. The revolving door hits

    home and though this daughter is only 20, I have had a lot of that with her.

    I really, really need these words and stories from all of you, it makes my brain function go easier, the pain was not childbirth, it has been in raising them.

    Hugs right back to you and thank you again.

    Sheri
     
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