Adoption...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by BeachPeace, Jul 5, 2010.

  1. BeachPeace

    BeachPeace Guest

    I am very new here.....but it continues to amaze me how many of us are adoptive parents.
    Why do you think this is?
    I really don't think it is an obvious answer, just has been on my mind.
     
  2. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I noticed that when I joined this board, too. I do not believe it is a coincidence.

    I suspect that the issues that plague our kids also plagued their bio parents, by virtue of heredity. And for all the problems the bio parents had, at least with-the parents who had free will, they at least made one wise, albeit painful choice by placing their kids for adoption.

    In the cases where the kids were taken away by the courts, due to parental neglect, drug abuse, alcoholism, it goes with-o saying.
     
  3. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    I'm still trying to figure this out. I have three children through adoption.

    I do also think that our society has been overstressing the importance of the children over their parents. I question a lot of what I do, wondering if it's abuse. When my sons were toddlers, I was kissing up the spine of difficult child 1 who was laughing and having a great time and suddenly, frighteningly, I wondered if the happiness I felt was a form of sexual abuse. I don't think that fear would have come into the heart of my grandmother. She would have found it completely normal to claim her "blood" this way. This makes me so sad and so confused.
     
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    A lot of adopted kids were exposed tod rugs and alcohol in utero or were adopted at older ages (which can cause MANY issues). The birthparents tend to be more prone to mental illness, which is passed along a lot of the time. If the child was exposed to substances or had mentally ill birthparents...the genes they carry or THEIR genes and the damage caused by outside substances was there way before we got the children.

    On the flip side, my most normal, best adjusted child is adopted, BUT I knew her birthparents and her birthmother did not use any drugs or alcohol and was a very stable person as well. She made a very thoughtful decision to place the baby for adoption and my daughter knows I love her birthmother. Her birthfather is a drug addict, but, while she looks more like him, she is just as sweet and wonderful as her birthmother. The other kids I adopted...I have very little knowledge of their backgrounds. Two were adopted abroad.
     
  5. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    This topic has come up repeatedly. Many of us have noticed it and have wondered the exact same thing. I have noticed it here and in my private life.
    True, a child can have these type of special needs due to a variety of circumstances. However, sometimes it certainly seems like a higher percentage of adopted children suffer and/or the degree of difficulty is rather extreme.
    Many speculate we are dealing with biological/genetic influences coupled with environmental strains and/or self esteem issues. The two together might make for a more complicated treatment/outcome.
     
  6. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Adoption, like any other way of forming a family, is the luck of the draw. Really .... there are so many adoptions that turn out well in comparison to the people here & in other forums around the net.

    Many times there is a hereditary issue that forces the hand of the bio parent & our little wonders bring that to us. I, myself, could have brought many hereditary issues into the world if I were able to have children.

    Life's circumstances brought us here & by chance we're adoptive parents. AND I'm proud to know each & every one of you. We'll see what's the stronger force when all is said & done ~ nature versus nurture.
     
  7. WearyWoman

    WearyWoman Guest

    Great point and interesting discussion. I have two adopted kids. We adopted the older one at age 4 through foster care, after having him in foster care with us for two years. He's 16 now, and he's doing very well, although he does have ADHD and is impulsive. It was harder taking care of him as a young child than as a teen now. He has friends and is doing well in school. We adopted our younger child (now age 9) at birth through a private adoption. He is diagnosed with ADHD and Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) - not otherwise specified. He also exhibits anxiety and some obsessive and sensory issues. His birthmom claims not to have used drugs or alcohol, except for some smoking before learning she was pregnant.

    I definitely agree that adopted kids seem to have higher incidences of neurological, behavioral, social, and developmental issues. Many do not. However, the circumstances (environmental and genetic) giving rise to an adoption in the first place may set the stage for adopted children's future challenges.

    Hugs to all the other adoptive parents out there!
     
  8. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    We'll see what's the stronger force when all is said & done ~ nature versus nurture.

    My husband and I discuss/argue about this all the time! :D
     
  9. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    I find it so ironic that our easy child spent the first 54 days of her life in a Russian hospital because her mom was sick and then stayed in an orphanage until the age of 9 mos. I've never known such a determined child. When she was 4 to 5, most of my time was spent chasing difficult child 2 around town, trying to rein him in. I really neglected her needs as we went from crisis to crisis with her brother.She checks her grades daily. She keeps track of her work. She knows she wants to go to college and be successful. She just told me that she believes negative expectations will attract negative results and that healthy people attract other healthy people. I spent a fortune in therapy trying to understand that concept.

    I knew she was special when she confronted difficult child 2 at the age of 4 and said "how would YOU feel if someone called you BABY ALL DAY LONG?" She narrowed her eyes and floored us both. She was already talking about feelings and relationships. I think she won the genetic roulette game.

    Ironically, any bio child of ours could have been bipolar and depressed due to our own genetic make up. This daughter is a blessing.
     
  10. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    I would also like to say that my mother drank while she was carrying me. I'm not condoning boozing while pregnant but I think a lot of factors go into producing a child. If a few glasses of wine caused irreparable damage to children, all of Europe would be dealing with behavioral problems. When I was pregnant, my ob gyn told me not to get my hair dyed. Everything has become suspect.
     
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS) has been proven. There is no ambivalence about how it is given to a child and it can be 100% prevented. My guess is that most European prospective moms stop drinking when they become pregnant.

    I do know that kids born in Eastern Europe have a huge % of adopted kids coming here with fetal alcohol issues. Although some kids dodge the bullet, it is a very bad idea to drink while pregnant for any reason, even a glass of wine.

    I just didn't want to leave the last post there because Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS)/Fetal Alcohol Effects (FAE) is not the same as autism, which still has scientists wondering where/how/why. Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS) is due to a mother drinking while pregnant and for no other reason. It is permanant brain damage and sadly not much can be done about it other than to caretake your child even as an adult. It's the only preventable birth defect!
     
  12. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    As usual, so interesting.
    I agree...along with- innate personality tendencies...many factors seem to come into play.

    Adopted children....also often have issues with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD).
    But...is this largely a CHOICE?

    Re: What Three Shadows said that her daughter relayed to her "She just told me that she believes negative expectations will attract negative results and that healthy people attract other healthy people. I spent a fortune in therapy trying to understand that concept." :D:D:tongue:;):tongue::D

    Well, this is SIMPLY TOTALLY AWESOME!

    ww....thank you for the hugs...right back at ya! ;):D
     
  13. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh Terry in my mind there is no question that nature trumps nurture all the time. The older difficult child gets and the further away I get from actual hands on parenting, I realize that genes played a huge roll in our difficult child's development and our values and parenting did very little to change the predetermined
    course her life would take. There are times when my husband and I wonder if we had any impact at all on her and whether she would have turned out the same if she had been parented by her birthmother. It's rather discouraging and we were very naive to think we could make that much of a difference.

    In retrospect I also recognize the gene influence on my easy child who is not adopted. She is so much like us, same values, same temperment, same mannerisms, same strengths and weaknesses. It's like looking into a mirror when I look at her.

    I love my difficult child just as much as my easy child. However, she has also brought us so much heartache and sadness that it hurts to the core because we know in our hearts that her life will always be difficult and we thought we were going to make a bigger impact on her than we obviosuly did. She is so similar to her birthmother and is doing the same things she did to the point of smoking, drugs, drinking, tatoos, all of which we do not. Environment just did not play a big part in her life.

    by the way, there is also a greater population of adopted individuals in the prison and foster care systems. It's not a coincidence.

    Nancy
     
  14. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    Nancy...and many more in residential treatment centers and/or therapuetic boarding schools.
     
  15. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Ladies, I struggle daily with the nature vs nurture thing. I see husband & I in both the tweedles a great deal; many of our influences & interests. AND that may be a genetic coincidence. The tweedles have had more than their fair share of stays at Residential Treatment Center (RTC) (many more than I care to count).

    Who knows after the age of 18 what will happen. I pray that kt & wm will want to stay in contact with me ~ I pray that some of the day to day stuff stays with both of them. I pray that the negative bio influences don't overcome them. We already have the bipolar diagnosis from the genetic background; I expect there is addiction that may come into play.

    It's all a cr@p shoot. Only time will tell.....
     
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