After staying with in-laws 4 days, we were asked to leave, difficult child's behavoir too much.

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by PlainJane, Dec 31, 2011.

  1. PlainJane

    PlainJane Every dog has his day....

    Although our in-laws were informed on difficult child's bahavior, diagnoses, ect. It seems they thought it was a case of lack of disapline. I told them, that the change in routine & environment, time difference (we traveled to the other coast) could cause his behavoir to be even more challenging than usual.
    Once out there he was very aggressive WHEN PROVOKED. At one point my sister in law daughter took difficult child shoes and was wearing them. When he saw he took them from her, with no concern for knocking her down and tearing them off. Also, when ever my sister in law kids got in his personal space, he lashed out physically. I tried talking to sister in law and her kids, although they were too young to understand, but sister in law (who is an ass anyway) just insisted difficult child was a bad kid. On day 2 difficult child had such a horrible meltdown, including self injury. My husband had to restrain him because he was hurting himself (head banging, scratching) During this, sister in law said to difficult child (as if he was listening during this melt down) "We don't want to hear you yelling like this". My husband said afterwards, to his sister, if you can't see something is not right after watching that meltdown, then your an idiot. He put her in her place as much as he could, but she just as dense as they come.
    I found myself going head to head with her daily, all the while trying to manage difficult child worsening behavoir. Also, we were only feeding difficult child his preferred foods. sister in law was very offended difficult child (he's 4) was not eating her cooking. Actually, one afternoon she dished him out some slop she had made, and set him off by putting it infront of him at the table, when he already had a preferred food. He lost it, and began screaming and gagging. And yelling as her that her cooking was gross and disgusting. While I wanted to manage his behavoir, I saw her actions as passive aggressive towards my son. She was told not to give him any food that he doesn't know. She was told it would set him off. And she snuck and did it anyway. Yes, she was a real witch, with a "B".
    Its not like my sister in law is a great person. She was generally miserable, and angry at nearly everything throughout our stay. Even things that had nothing to do with us. Her and I also had run ins not related to difficult child. She was like the grinch meets Scrooge! Cheap and grumpy.
    We left (were asked to leave) two days before Christmas and drove cross country to home. My husband and I felt so bad being in a hotel for Christmas. Though I must say, to our surprise, difficult child's behavoir did a 180 as soon as we left. He was happier on the road. No meltdowns the whole (4 day) trip. It was like the toxic environment of my sister in law house was getting to him. I was just amazed at how much his behavoir improved after we left.
    I just wanted to share this somewhere. My husband is so mortified by his family's behavoir that he doesn't want to tell anyone the real reason we left. So I haven't really been able to vent this, other than to a few very close friends.
    It just feels good to get it out somewhere.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Vent away, hon. We certainly understand! If this were me, we'd never make that trip again...ever. If sister in law doesn't "get it" then it's not worth even trying. Was this your husband's sister? She sounds horrible! But, then, I remember your first posting about it and you were concerned. Unfortunately, it looks like you were right to be concerned. I second that she sounds like a witch (with the b substitution).

    When my son was small, he was very volatile and inflexible and we knew it. We couldn't even take him shopping let alone on vacation. The few times we tried taking him to restaurants he had meltdowns and for many years we had to stay home for the holidays. He is eighteen now and way beyond meltdowns, however he still does not like to go to new places and he really only goes on family trips because he knows he has to go...he would rather stay home. Our differently wired kids are sometimes better off with as little stimulation as possible. I know this is mean, but I wish sister in law had forced your son to taste some of her "slop" and that he had vomited on her floor. My son did that once when my daughter made him try cheesecake at a restaurant. Maybe if that would have happened sister in law would have seen WHY he is allowed to only eat certain food. Poor little guy obviously has sensory issues and is repelled by certain textures and smells, just like my son was (and still is to a point). Of course, sister in law would have probably said that he only did it to insult her or because you coddle him...yada, yada, yada, I've heard it all before. That's the best part of the board. We all get it.

    I am so sorry you don't have any family support, but you always have us. We will always listen and understand. I'm glad your little guy was happier once you left sister in law's house...I can't say I blame him! I am so sorry that you had to go through this. Hugggggz!
  3. buddy

    buddy New Member

    UGGG. One of those times when you want to say.... "he has autism, what is your excuse?"

    she sounds awful
  4. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Buddy - where's that LIKE button!

    Ya. Extended family.
    From what I hear, if you have good ones, they make life go so much better.
    Sounds like yours are more like mine.
    Except... we put our foot down when the kids were toddlers... and haven't really been supported since.
    We hardly see them now - our choice. Its hard to explain, even to the kids - because they didn't get the brunt of it. But... no regrets. Sometimes... its easier to just "not go there" - literally, and figuratively!

    The fact that your difficult child did better on the TRIP than at the in-laws? He's one smart cookie!
  5. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest


    Vent as much as you need to. If you don't recall me, I'm the picky eater raising a picky eater, I know your pain (though my parents would know it better, lol).

    Kiddo has had to be taught to not openly complain about food and to say instead "I'm sorry I can't eat that," or "It's not to my taste," and even "I'm allergic," if they're not getting the message. She's got a few years on yours, but it's one way to work with him on how to approach the arrival of foods he doesn't like when he's being receptive to you. This was because she was around other kids in pre-school and if one wouldn't eat something because "Yuck!" was said, the rest would refuse, too.

    On a side note, I can't wait until your sister in law's kids start rebelling on her. Should be very interesting times when that starts. :) Glad yours improved as soon as you left, hope he holds onto learning that you provide accommodations for him because you love him.
  6. PlainJane

    PlainJane Every dog has his day....

    Thank you all for your support. My husband and I have decided that we will never be making the trip out there again. If they want to see us they can come out here, but I doubt they will as it is always us traveling and paying to go to them. Yes sister in law is my husbands sister (not his brothers wife). Actually, my husband has two brothers that are relatively supportive. They don't have kids of their own, so they just go with the flow, where as sister in law has two kids (age 3 and 1) so she thinks she knows all there is 2 parenting. She think every kid is just like hers. My husband and I have difficult child and a NT 18 month old.
    Normally, we have bee teaching difficult child to say no thank you to food he doesn't like. Just a simple "no thank you", but we are still in the learning process, lol. But with what sister in law pulled, it was so obvious she was testing him or us. The last time we went out to visit we stayed at a hotel, and sister in law had a job, so she wasn't around most of the time. And that was the first time I'd really spent time with her. My husband hasn't really spent time with her since they were kids, and I guess he didn't realize what a brat she grew into.
    Lesson learned.
  7. PlainJane

    PlainJane Every dog has his day....

    Lots of typos in my post! Please ignore, replying from my phone. :p
  8. ready2run

    ready2run New Member

    i have been kicked out of relatives homes because of my difficult child as well. in fact my own parents sent me packing because they could not stand difficult child any longer, and it was mostly because he likes to wake people up all night and talk at them and there was no room with an alarm(that keeps him from coming out, he hates the sound) so he kept roaming the house all night and bothering my mother. then of course, he'd be tired in the daytime and start doing his screaming 'i want it!!''i dont' want it'. thing he does that everyone hates. to be honest i could not blame them for not wanting him there. he is hard to handle and drives me crazy on a daily basis and they aren't used to it. what your sister in law did was wrong though, maybe she thought she could break him or test and see if was only reacting to you guys like that(ie. spoiled) and would act differently to her. either way she doesn't understand. i'd send her some books about difficult child's and sensory issues with a note saying she is welcome to visit on your terms any time providing she is willing to educate herself on difficult child's issues beforehand so she can be helpful.
  9. buddy

    buddy New Member

    This is what got to me. My sisters, though we have had bumps because in the moment, it is so hard when any child is bothering another child.... have all tried to teach their kids that Q has special needs and that we need to be more understanding. They dont offer me much support on a routine basis and we did come to a point where I had to directly through tears tell them that they had broken their promise to me even before Q was adopted, that no matter what, even if he had intense special needs, they would help me. They were the ones that pushed me when I wanted to adopt. I was throwing out realistic thoughts like, what if he is super needy etc.... and they were thinking with their hearts. That talk worked and they have really upped their efforts and even if not directly with him, they call me and listen to me when needed. They always do their best to support him and come to events for him etc. He gets presents etc. from them just the same as all the rest of the kids.

    So, in this situation... the fact that they show no effort to understand that is what really got me. Not only that, but that they provoked him so much. it seems evil. no matter how human they are--with the right to get frustrated, I just dont get that at all. Your story made me thank my family and friends for their support. It just broke my heart. I think you made a great decision to leave and to not go back. We only have one chance to do the parent thing right with each child. You dont need that stress and complication in an already difficult process. Life is too short.
  10. PlainJane

    PlainJane Every dog has his day....

    Unfortunately there was something much deeper going on with my sister in law. This was not just a case of an ignorant but kind woman (sister in law) but a very angry person. There were fights daily, and she was vicious to everyone. I don't know if she depressed or is just a mean person? I made it clear I will never be seeing her again, so I have no plains of finding out. I don't think things would have gotten as bad as they did if sister in law were a mentally balanced person.
  11. Ktllc

    Ktllc New Member

    I send some supportive :consoling:.
    I believe a difficult child will reveal someone's true colors real fast (good or bad)!
    In your case, sister in law is an A**. You know it now, move one.
    As she is family, send birthday cards, holiday greetings but remember to keep you distance (should be easy to do since she lives on the West Coast!).
    Had you have a typical kid, sister in law would still be a royal witch. But with a difficult child it's just not possible to let it slide.
    sigh... family dynamics are hard to balance.
    Vent all you want, we get it. It's hard even when family *tries* to be supportive.
  12. apesfordana

    apesfordana New Member

    Perhaps this comment won't be welcome, but it sounds like if sister in law had supportive understanding parents like your difficult child seems to be lucky enough to have in you, she may not be as unbalanced as she seems to be today. Major, MAJOR kudos to you AND your husband for doing what is best for your family by leaving. The support of extendend family can be so very helpful, but if your immediate family unit cannot recognize a situation, you're doomed. Showing your difficult child that you love & support him by removing him and yourselves from that situation shows that you guys can and will handle anything that comes along. Hugs to you guys.
  13. Confused

    Confused Guest

    I get lack of discipline,"he's all boy" saying, etc! Also, many do not or can not understand all what we go through! I am learning through this forum as well as my own experience, kids can have "trigger places " for whatever reason, even at relatives homes. Also, if they have an issue with him, sometimes kids can tell. Even if he feels they are OK with him but not you-because of him.Ok, don't know if that made sense! My son is actually quieter around relatives/friends he does not see often or have met for the first time. Family are friends are our tougher critics in some cases. Im sorry your husbands family did this. Prayers for all of u!