And ...he's GONE (again)

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Signorina, Jan 23, 2012.

  1. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    He wasn't even home for 24 hours. 22-1/2 to be exact. H awoke him at 10:30, asked if his plans had changed (they had not) and told him to start packing. Reminded him that if he left, he was gone for good. At one point I tried to talk to him & he completely ignored me. I finally just sobbed grabbed his face in my hands and told him I would always love him and kissed him on the forehead & said goodbye. My mommy heart packed a bag of meager groceries-loaf of bread, jar of pb, few apples, bag of oranges, box of granola bars...and left it by his coat.
    I left, sat in a parking lot for 2 hours & tried to read-mostly stared at the steering wheel. At 1:00 -h texted me that he was taking difficult child to his girlfriend's house (surprise! Not) and that it was safe to come home. He said difficult child never said a word except that after he unloaded his stuff he asked "are you going to help me or not?" and h gave him the past due jan rent and feb rent. He didn't say goodbye.

    So-"he's gone" lead to "he's back" to
    "he's gone". All since Friday. I did clean out the stuff he left & his room is bare. He doesn't live here anymore.
  2. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry Sig. He's made his choice. He does not want to be there. He has bigger plans and some day those plans will fall apart and he will have nothing. You have gone above and beyond what any parent would do and he has closed all the doors.

    Take the time now to regroup, get some much needed sleep, and start having fun with your other sons and husband.

    And stick around here.

  3. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Wish I had a magic something for you... Just hugs...
  4. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    It is good for all of you that he is gone...and oh so painful. I would wait awhile and then text him that you hope he is ok and that you love him....but definitely dont invite him home. I think it is important to keep the door open to your relationship even if the door is not open to your house.


  5. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Thanks everyone. I prayed and prayed all day Saturday that he would come home. I think this was G-ds way of letting me know that he doesn't belong here anymore and that He (G-d) heard my prayer. That's all I got.
  6. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm know that you are hurting but I do think this is for the best. Your home would have been in a constant state of siege if he had stayed.

    This won't be the end of it but at least you and husband and the easy child's will have a chance to take some deep breaths and plan for what happens next. He'll want to come back when the rent runs out or he gets hungry and try to get you to give him money.

    I suggest that you don't even take his calls for a little while. You can text him that you love him but need a break from the chaos.


    Last edited: Jan 23, 2012
  7. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    ((((Sig)))). Our kids are just so danged determined to learn everything the absolute hardest way possible. What an emotional rollercoaster you have been on! Do something for you....
  8. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Guest

    Sig....i am so very sorry your difficult child is making these choices. You are a brave, loving and courageous woman.

    I hope you get some rest and some peaceful family time soon.
  9. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Just more caring hugs. We often refer to life with our difficult child's as a rollercoaster ride. Lord knows he has been up and down lately and it can be nauseating for the whole family. Go ahead and mourn. Then you will be able to move on to the next step for your family. DDD
  10. FlowerGarden

    FlowerGarden Active Member

    Sig, sorry you have had to go through this. You and H did the right thing. Hopefully through counseling you, H, and pcs can move on. Sending caring hugs your way.
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Sig, I'm sorry for your hurting mommy heart. In the worst way we always want to keep saving our kids and it's so hard to believe that we can't. When my daughter left, in spite of all her chaos, I could barely function, but slowly sanity came back to our home and it became clear that she had hurt the younger children by her constant drama, yelling, and the cops coming over to visit her.

    I guess, all I'm trying to say is...I understand.
  12. pinevalley

    pinevalley Member

    I too understand how you are hurting right now. This is something that parents of difficult child's know all too well, unfortunately. HUGS.....just hugs for you, from a friend.
  13. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    Try to care for yourself. Be proud of the strength you showed. You are giving him a chance to learn. Lets hope it doesn't get as painful as it does for some difficult children. (((Hugs)))
  14. Bean

    Bean Member

    Oh yuck. That's so hard, even if it is for the best. I saw someone else say to try to enjoy the rest of your family, and I would echo that. Even at 20 years old, my daughter is still unable to be at home with us and the other kids. It has been HARD, HARD, HARD, but it has also allowed us to keep our house a home, and to parent more properly. There is no way would could have done that with our daughter at home. Looking back, I'm still sad for what the siblings had to endure. As much as I grieve for her, I also do so for them.
  15. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It


    I am so sorry you are hurting so much.
  16. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Guest

    Sig....just checking in to see how things are today.
  17. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Thanks AG - honestly -- I am hurting. It is RAW. I spend an hour on the phone with my mom and it broke my heart to hear her cry. This boy was a child deeply loved by his parents and his grandparents. I have managed to go a few hours without tears but that's the best I can do. I am failing at detachment as I have checked his phone records and his credit score.

    (Only to find out that he has since reopened the credit card account I paid off last week. So I just fired off a letter to the bank president, my congressman and the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau regarding the violation of the CARD act of 2009 which prohibits opening credit card accounts for college students under the age of 21 without adult cosigners. And no it didn't make me feel better. But it kept me busy. grrrr)

    Phone records lead me to believe he may still be in the area which dismays me. He is no longer welcome here and I don't want him able to drive by (even tho he has no car LOL so walk by?) or see his brothers or g-d forbid, ring the doorbell.

    The meeting with the counselor was sobering - no pun intended. We brought easy child 14 with us and he waited in the lobby. I was anxious about leaving him home alone since PC17 was at work. Crazy how things change. Once again, we received sage and honest advice from the therapist. I learned that difficult child gave H the finger as he left. What a lovely boy. Basically, difficult child is not welcome in our home. Even if he is seeking recovery. Which is a hard thing to swallow but I know it is logical. therapist used the word "hostage" to describe us when H and I related how I had removed the kitchen knives and we had locked the bedroom door on Sunday night. I am not sure if I thought difficult child could hurt us or himself, but it was an awful feeling to feel the need to remove the knives and to lock our door.

    It has to be about preserving ourselves and what's left of our family. therapist recommended H and I wait a week or so and write down responses to give difficult child "when" difficult child calls "someday" So that we have them near and are prepared and do not deviate from the responses. He said difficult child is likely to call and get ticked off and hang up but that he will eventually call back. I like having a plan - it speaks to my comfort level. He said that inpatient treatment is limited in our area. A detox/intake might take him for 3 days or so - but they will bounce him to outpatient on day 3 IF he hasn't signed himself out before then. No sober houses etc here or in "college town" to recommend - but did recommend the Rescue Mission or Salvation Army. He emphasized that difficult child can't come back home (shouldn't be let in) until he is IN Recovery - so I will have to figure out what that means to us. 90 days sober? 120? A year? He said eventually difficult child will want to come home and that we can't give in until we know he is living a sober lifestyle. He thinks perhaps difficult child is taking aderall or oxy or some such by the dilated pupils we saw on Sunday night - but he was just guessing. He also fears it is a neuro response to the head injury fall 2010 or a combo of them all. We may never know.

    I know there are residential treatment centers that are out of state as well as other treatment options. I am too behind in my work life to start researching them now but would appreciate any insight anyone would care to share about finding treatment centers and/or determining what "living a sober lifestyle" means to us.

    I know we all post on here for our own sanity and to lean on each other. I want each and every one of you to know that IT IS BECAUSE OF YOU that difficult child has not (yet) stolen from us, harmed us, or been violent. I HAVE NO DOUBT THAT IS WHERE WE WERE HEADED. So, if it's any solace in your own journey - YOUR JOURNEY AND YOUR HEARTFELT SHARING AND ADVICE HAS PREVENTED BAD THINGS FROM HAPPENING HERE. THANKYOU THANKYOU THANKYOU.

    I am humbled, touched and so deeply grateful to know you all.
  18. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Sig, it is so difficult to hear those things about your son but I'm glad the therapist was frank with you. It's also difficult and almost impossible to believe that your own child could hurt you in some way, and yet many of us have locked ourselves behind closed doors and hidden weapons. There were times when I was honestly afraid to be in the house with my difficult child alone when husband traveled. And there were so many itmes when he came rushing home from work or cut business trips short because of that. So I surely understand the term being held hostage.

    Great idea to make the list of responses because you know that call will come. And when it does it would be good to have a list of treatment centers that you have checked so that if he is truly serious about recovery he can go directly. When difficult child texted me that fateful day begging to come home it was all I could do to keep it together. She begged and cried and said she would do whatever we asked and I still had to say no. But I told her where to go for help and I thank God everyday that she called them and went. If I had let her back in we would still be doing that addict dance and she would not be in recovery. It took nerves of steel to turn her away but it was done with love and hope. And that's what you will need to be prepared to do. It can be the worst and the best day of both your lives.

    You asked what living a sober lifestyle means. I think what the therapist is referring to is difficult child should be in a treatment program and living the recovery lifestyle. What that means to me, from watching difficult child and others in the sober community, is accepting and admitting that he is an addict, actively participating in a recovery treatment program, and living in a sober environment and not asking to leave which means accepting the fact that he may never return home, but rather get a job and continue living his life as a sober person with sober people. In our area that means upon release from a 30-90 day treatment facility, entering sober home for at least 6 months during which time he will get a job and start learning how to live sober in the community, and finally finding more stable living arrangements. At that point some of the people we know do move back home to save money or go back to school but that is after almost a year of living the sober lifestyle and regaining some of the trust they lost with their loved ones.

    I'm sorry you don't have sober houses in your area. I guess we are very lucky because we have many and more are opening every day. Perhaps that is because we are the birthplace of AA. I would check in your closest big city and hopefully you will find some. But a good treatment center will also have places available to go to upon release so if you find several treatment centers that are acceptable you can ask for referrals.

    This is very premature but what it will mean to your family is that in the way of support you will not be able to have any alcohol in your home nor should you drink in his presence. You should be prepared to attend the family program at the treatment center if they have one and actively work on your recovery through al-anon or parent support groups.

    But of course the first thing is to get through these next few months or however long it takes for him to hit bottom, and to realize your life is not over and you have a wonderful family that needs you to be strong and happy for them. People will tell you to stop looking at his cell phone records but the truth is you won't be able to stop right now. I did the same thing. I was obsessed with knowing what she was doing but then when I found out I was worried out of my mind. Eventually you will stop, you will realize there is nothing you can do and it isn't helping. But for now it is all too raw and you are still in crisis mode, you still want to fix it, to stop it.

    I also sent a letter to the attorney general when a store gave difficult child a credit card when she had no money, only a part time job where she worked anywhere from 6-15 hours a week, and no established credit. I called the store and spoke with the manager and then called the main office. None if it made any difference but I felt better. Fortunately I got the credit card in the mail and destroyed it.

    If there is any way to get through this pain easier I don't know it. But I do know you will get through it, and while it won't happen for a while, eventually you will cry less and each day will get easier.

    Last edited: Jan 25, 2012
  19. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Sig, thank you for the thank you. That's what the board is for . . . those of us that have already gone down this path helping those that follow. It makes me feel like some good has come from what we have gone through with our difficult child. My difficult child says she would like to be a drug counselor someday since she truly understands addiction and could help others. I guess that makes all of us counselors because we truly understand what it like to love someone who has an addiction.

    Hugs for your hurting heart.

  20. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Guest


    Have you tried United Way? They may have a list or can help you get information quickly. Your local county/state mental health may know. NAMI may also be of help to you since you may be dealing with mental health issues as well.

    Glad the doctor visit went well.

    I know how you feel about being a hostage (good...but sad word). I installed a security system last week because of my difficult child. Have lived here forever...never felt the need until now.