Since Difficult Child went to jail the weekend after Thanksgiving, I think I have been holding it together pretty well. I haven't cried once, I haven't been to see him. I have written him with the standard "here's whats going on in our lives, I love you and hope everything works out for you" type of dialogue. I didn't even go to see him on Christmas. I have told him since the first time he got in trouble that if he ever landed himself in jail I would not go, and I have followed through. I have not gone. Today I get a letter and here is part of it: I want you to know mom I know I may not have turned out to be the son you always wanted or a son you can be very proud of and I apologize. You tried so hard, you and dad. I love you all so much. I know I definitely did not turn out to be the big brother easy child hoped for and that kills me everyday. I wish I could go back and change so many things. Just please never doubt that I love all of you with every fiber of me. I know that 1 easy child is worth a thousand me's. Not a second goes by that I don't regret ruining the chance to be there and watch her grow up. Please make sure you tell her that I'm sorry and there isn't anything I wouldn't do for her. Again mom and dad, I apologize for turning out to be the child on the block parents don't want their kids around. It was nothing you did. You were awesome parents and I just let the lifestyle and drugs take over. Now that isn't me anymore and it eats away at my heart and mind everyday. All I can do is hope you forgive me but mostly I pray that easy child can forgive me. I vow to her that I will do anything I can to one day be a big brother she can be proud of. Nothing I can do will ever make up the lost time but please don't ever doubt that I love all 3 of you. I pray for all 3 of you every day. I love you all very much. I am an emotional wreck. I know that these are just words written on paper after having to dry out because of his crappy situation. I don't expect that this is some miraculous turn of events. But why can't it be? This is my son that I know and love. Someone who respects his family and takes responsibility. This is who we raised him to be. How do I get him to think this clearly all the time, even when he comes home? (Even if that's not for a long time). This is where I get torn. When he's a drug addict doing the wrong things, it's easy for me to know it's time to detach and let him do his own thing. It's things like this that make me wonder if it's time to let him back in a little. In the past it hasn't been a good choice. Damn this stupid disease.