Echolette
Well-Known Member
I'm not going to say I kicked him out.
What happened is that he chose not to live by the house rules and common rules of society, and therefore chose not to stay. Because choice one leads inexorably to choice two.
difficult child was struggling along but doing OK...he picked up work for 2 days, applied for and got (I think) a regular job as a dishwasher, got his new ID, went to two AA meetings/day and his program, Rehab after Work. Got a temporary sponsor (SO's friend, whom I mentioned in another thread). Did all the chores I asked him and a few extra.
We had a little "state of the union " discussion on Saturday morning, and basically SO and I agreed that although it is stressful for us to have him in the house because of his social interaction deficits, still he was clearly trying and clearly doing well for difficult child. I wanted to tell him he had to find housing and between now and then start contributing to food and rent. SO said he does a lot of chores, he is just getting on his feet, leave that for now but start asking him about his plans for the future...so we kept the conversation to positive, and difficult child and I agreed we would do a SWOT analysis the next day (strengths weaknesses opportunites threats...very useful. He and I did one last year on him and it helped at least me see a lot about him).
Then I went to do some errands..bank, new running shoes, mandoline cause I've been doing so much chopping lately...and while I was out SO texted me and asked if I had given difficult child the garage door opener (we haven't given him a key to the house still) to get in...phew!!! yes I had, just for today, since it is flaming hot out and he would't be able to get in.
Then SO said...did you take the money beside our bed?
And my heart fell to the ground. With an audible thump.
And I texted back...No. He has to leave.
There was more, but that is what happened. I went home, difficult child came home, I said you can't stay here anymore. He cried and insisted he hadn't taken the money (it wasn't much, just a jar of loose change, maybe $20 dollars). I waffled a tiny bit in my own mind..but I new that AS A GOOD PARENT I COULD NOT LET HIM GET AWAY WITH going into our bedroom, poking around, and helping himself to....anything. I cried. He asked if he could dry the clothes in the laundry and I said yes. He packed up while my head and heart throbbed.
At the last second I said "I wish you hadn't done that" and he said "so do I".
Which made me feel much much better because all the ghosts of rationalization and explanation and maybe he didn't do it went away. He did it. He knew it was wrong. He understands that he blew it.
Thank god.
I gave him a pep talk about staying straight, and said I would continue to see him.
And he left.
I went and played tennis with SO, because...if I collapsed everytime difficult child broke my heart I would have no life. And you know what? tennis was kind of fun. I played in a tennis skirt with no underwear just to make SO laugh.
Today difficult child called and said he had slept under a DIFFFERENT bridge, where there is less drug use. He said it was hard but he didn't use. He went to AA and called his sponsor. He busked/begged and got $10 to turn his phone back on. He said he was going to meet with a case worker on Monday to see about halfway houses.
I said I loved him, I thanked him for calling, and I said we would stay in touch.
My heart is aching in my throat even as I type.
But I'm pretty sure all played out as it had to, as it is written, and that I didn not make anything worse than it was.
That is it friends. I have no idea if he is telling the truth. The page turns again, a new chapter begins again.
Echo
What happened is that he chose not to live by the house rules and common rules of society, and therefore chose not to stay. Because choice one leads inexorably to choice two.
difficult child was struggling along but doing OK...he picked up work for 2 days, applied for and got (I think) a regular job as a dishwasher, got his new ID, went to two AA meetings/day and his program, Rehab after Work. Got a temporary sponsor (SO's friend, whom I mentioned in another thread). Did all the chores I asked him and a few extra.
We had a little "state of the union " discussion on Saturday morning, and basically SO and I agreed that although it is stressful for us to have him in the house because of his social interaction deficits, still he was clearly trying and clearly doing well for difficult child. I wanted to tell him he had to find housing and between now and then start contributing to food and rent. SO said he does a lot of chores, he is just getting on his feet, leave that for now but start asking him about his plans for the future...so we kept the conversation to positive, and difficult child and I agreed we would do a SWOT analysis the next day (strengths weaknesses opportunites threats...very useful. He and I did one last year on him and it helped at least me see a lot about him).
Then I went to do some errands..bank, new running shoes, mandoline cause I've been doing so much chopping lately...and while I was out SO texted me and asked if I had given difficult child the garage door opener (we haven't given him a key to the house still) to get in...phew!!! yes I had, just for today, since it is flaming hot out and he would't be able to get in.
Then SO said...did you take the money beside our bed?
And my heart fell to the ground. With an audible thump.
And I texted back...No. He has to leave.
There was more, but that is what happened. I went home, difficult child came home, I said you can't stay here anymore. He cried and insisted he hadn't taken the money (it wasn't much, just a jar of loose change, maybe $20 dollars). I waffled a tiny bit in my own mind..but I new that AS A GOOD PARENT I COULD NOT LET HIM GET AWAY WITH going into our bedroom, poking around, and helping himself to....anything. I cried. He asked if he could dry the clothes in the laundry and I said yes. He packed up while my head and heart throbbed.
At the last second I said "I wish you hadn't done that" and he said "so do I".
Which made me feel much much better because all the ghosts of rationalization and explanation and maybe he didn't do it went away. He did it. He knew it was wrong. He understands that he blew it.
Thank god.
I gave him a pep talk about staying straight, and said I would continue to see him.
And he left.
I went and played tennis with SO, because...if I collapsed everytime difficult child broke my heart I would have no life. And you know what? tennis was kind of fun. I played in a tennis skirt with no underwear just to make SO laugh.
Today difficult child called and said he had slept under a DIFFFERENT bridge, where there is less drug use. He said it was hard but he didn't use. He went to AA and called his sponsor. He busked/begged and got $10 to turn his phone back on. He said he was going to meet with a case worker on Monday to see about halfway houses.
I said I loved him, I thanked him for calling, and I said we would stay in touch.
My heart is aching in my throat even as I type.
But I'm pretty sure all played out as it had to, as it is written, and that I didn not make anything worse than it was.
That is it friends. I have no idea if he is telling the truth. The page turns again, a new chapter begins again.
Echo