angry 21 yr old stealing frm disabled father

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by platinum358, Oct 29, 2014.

  1. platinum358

    platinum358 New Member

    I recently met a man and began a relationship..he has a very angry 21 yr old son..very negative and angry about the littlest thing..after I had seen this man three times..the son gave me a very negative rundown of his father..designed to chase me off..too bad for him I didn't buy into what he was saying..
    In the meantime I have seen this young man steal money from his father on several occasions..neglect his care..create endless stress by being angry and screaming..
    very suddenly..this young man was arrested because of his drunken girlfriend..someone called the police and he was arrested for domestic violence..his father and I went to pick him up the following day..and get the car out of impound..after 4 hours of dialysis for the father...it was an exhausting day for him..this young man was belligerent..
    when we arrived hom..we talked..and the young man was told things would be changing..he was going to find work..he was going to take some classes..st some goals..etc..the conversation ended on a ostive note..everything was peaceful
    In about an hour..the girlfriends mother was in the apartment..screaming..and rescuing the 21 yr old from the terrible abusive father..they literally stripped the room and left..this young man was at that time the home health care provider for his father..he just abandoned him entirely..several days later he returned with two friends for a few more things..and declared he loved us both..and that he should be forgiven..
    My boyfriend is devastated..and I am not sure how to help him..he has been violated..there has been no sign of repentance on the part of this young man..I am doing everything I can to keep him away from the apartment..and minimize any exposure to his father for now..
    so the young man is living with the girlfriend and her family..still not working..he calls occasionally saying he misses his Dad..my fear is he will try to return..in the meantime I have moved in and plan to ake over the home health care..and the relationship is going well except for this sadness..
    My boyfriend feels responsible for the sons bad behavior..I can see for myself that he was taught good values by a moally sound father..who gave him plenty of love..he is just making bad choices..he seems happy when he is being miserable..and causes a lot of disruption any time he is present...
    I think he needs time in the real world to find out about life..learn a few hard lessons and come to his senses...I am horrified that he would treat his Dad so badly..side from the dialysis three times a week..this man lost his foot in an accident and is blind in one eye..I consider this elder abuse..shame on him...
    How do I convince my boyfriend to keep him at a distance for awhile? or what should I do?
    my concern is for his health now..he is already feeling better...
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi there.

    It's too bad this man has such an amoral son, but there isn't anything you can do to stop it. The players here are the son and the father and if the father allows this sort of abuse in his life, then there is little that will change. He needs to get a restraining order to keep his son away from him and out of his house and to press charges for assault, if that goes on, and stealing. He needs a good lawyer. If he can't afford one, he at least needs to talk to the police as soon as his son violates him by any illegal activity.

    Having said that, some people refuse to do that to a grown child because it's their child. It's not smart, in my opinion, but it's out of your hands. The only person who can decide to detach from this young man is the boyfriend. If you go to Parent Emeritus you will read many stories like your boyfriends and what we have done and are doing. Putting up with it is not something most of us are willing to do and the majority of us are working on detachment from our wayward adult children. Many are no longer welcome in our house and if we see them it is elsewhere, in public. Most no longer live with us or get much from us, if anything. A few have no contact with their adult children at all. Many of the adult children are criminals, non-working, drug abusing and dangerous. Some are in jail or prison.

    You can show your boyfriend our stories, but if he doesn't want to lose contact with his abusive son, he won't do it. There are many people who put up with this forever and think they have to or should because it's their child. And t hese grown Peter Pans love to pour on the guilt andk know just what to say and the parent has to learn that their bad choices (the adult childs) are the child's fault alone...they are over eighteen, some are over thirty or forty. Time to cut the umbilical cord and let the adult be the man that he is wtihout our help. Whatever happened when this adult child was six or ten or fourteen no longer matters. He learned right from wrong and is choosing to disregard what he learned and his father is allowing it. The behavior is on the adult child. Allowing it is 100% on the boyfriend. He can stop it.

    This is how you will find that most of us feel and it usually was a long time coming, but one can only take so much.

    However, if your boyfriend is not going to do it, he may be eighty one day an d still be getting abused and stolen from by his sixty year old "child." The ball is 100% in your boyfriend's court. You, I and everyone who walks on earth can only change one person...ourselves. We have 0% control over what another does. We can talk to them, but we can't control their choices. You can change your reaction to the entire scenario, but you can't change this boyfriend or his son.

    If your boyfriend refuses to do anything good for himself and enables his son who abuses him, you may want to decide that this relationship is not for you. You can't rescue the man. He will probably be very angry at you if YOU call the police and I'm not sure anything would be done...I think the man himself must press charges. Do not try to hang in there to be his White Knight. That won't work and YOU will likely be hurt in the end. The only one who can save him is himself.

    Unfortunately, some family dynamics are toxic and even dangerous and it is not easy to turn your own adult child into the police. Sometimes it is necessary to do so for peace of mind and physical/emotional safety. Your boyfriend is a grown man too. He will decide what he has to do. And it may not be what you want him to do. Far as any of us know, there are no magic words or special way to make ANYONE do what they don't want to do.

    So sorry and you are free to keep posting. You will get a bigger response if you post on Parent Emeritus because General is for under 18. Parent Emeritus is for over 18.
     
    Last edited: Oct 29, 2014
  3. platinum358

    platinum358 New Member

    thank you so much for the reply...I had a talk with my boyfriend this evening and encouraged him to get professional help which he agreed to do..we are limiting exposure to his son..he has not been allowed to come to the apartment since he left..I am hoping talking to someone will help..he feels violated..and I told him he should feel violated..the young man did something totally amoral..stepped over the line big time..and thinks there are no consequences..
    I agree..whatever happens has to come from my boyfriend..not me..I have made myself clear..if the son is allowed to continue his abusive
     
  4. platinum358

    platinum358 New Member

    oops..behavior..I will leave the relationship..I have high hopes the right thing will happen..
    thank you for the encouragement
     
  5. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    I am so sorry Platinum. I don't understand why difficult child can't just appreciate that they have a roof over their head and live there for free. Why do they have to lie, cheat and steal from their own parents? This I will never understand. If I ever had to live with my family again, I'd just be so thankful I have a place to lay my head, live and eat for free which is what most of us give to our difficult child's. I would take advantage of it by fixing my own life , working going to school, what ever the case my be. It's just not enough for them.
     
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