Another Saturday Night

Discussion in 'Failure to Thrive' started by in a daze, Apr 2, 2016.

  1. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    Since our son has been sober since October and relatively stable, I'm posting here instead of the PE forum. I think it's appropriate as he has so many issues (seem to be slowly getting better, but so many not even listed below that it makes my head spin. For example, some Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), a little borderline personality, and social anxiety thrown in to spice things up for the major ingredients which are depression, non verbal learning disability and addiction history).

    We were out to dinner at 7 pm when he called. Would we like to drive up to the North side and meet him for dinner? Well, no.

    This is the dreaded Saturday night phone call which he makes to my husband, not me (either he knows they upset me, or he knows I am not as sympathetic as years past, or whatever)

    When asked what was going on, he replied that he didn't feel like talking about it.

    Now I saw him three days ago, and he looked and sounded good. He's had his job for two years, and hasn't called off since November (he would call us when he would call off, upset and afraid for his job). He was well groomed. He sees therapist twice a week and therapist reports he is very engaged in the therapy. He goes to improv class for his social anxiety. He takes his medications and sees his psychiatrist. His credit card debt is now below 2000.00 (ugh, we really got on his case about this). He showed me his statement, he's been paying it down. He left a voicemail for the career counselor (we think he's ready for full time work).

    He has made a few friends but when they move out or move on he doesn't make the effort to keep in touch because of maybe his social anxiety or his passive nature.

    He's doing so many good things on so many levels, but it really bothers us that a young man wants to hang out with his parents on any Saturday night, and would do so every Saturday night if we were so inclined.

    Suggestions like go to a meeting, or go to the gym, etc., are all shot down.

    Praying he meets a woman, or something.

    I had an uncle who lived with my grandparents until he was 38 years old. He never dated or went to dances, until a family with three daughters moved across the alley. He started dating one of the daughters, and my grandparents were very upset. He was supposed to be the Irish bachelor and stay home and take care of them! They got engaged, and my grandfather told his fiancee off. They got married anyway.

    This is such the opposite of what we are feeling.

    Thanks for listening!
     
  2. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Progress is progress.
     
  3. TeDo

    TeDo CD Hall of Fame

    Baby steps. I would feel honored if my kids want to spend a Saturday night with me when they get out on their own. He might just need that "connection" with you. After all, for most of his life, you two WERE his life-line.
     
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  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Jmo but I'd be fine if my recently clean adult kid wanted to spend saturday nights with the family. Some people need that connection more than dating. Some people never date or marry...doubt sonic will and , as long as he's happy, thats fine with me. Heck, less temptation to bar hop or use and hes still early in recovery.
    Everyone is different. I am not sure what "normal" means so I replace the word normal with either content or happy. That is the most important thing about my loved ones to me. And what made me happy, may be different to them. I wouldnt let a grown kid live with me forever, but if he or she wanted to visit on Saturday nights rather than date or hang with outside peers, it wouldn't bother me. Also, I have a severe NonVerbal Learning Disorder (NVLD) and socialising with new people has always been a challenge. Im 62...that is unlikely to change. I am most comfortable with those I know and making new friends is hard and not fun.
    As usual, just my .02. Take anything you may like and shoot the rest in the trash can.;)
     
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    Last edited: Apr 3, 2016
  5. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Social anxiety can definitely be part of it, especially on a Saturday night - because the typical Saturday night scenes are socially intimidating.

    Not hanging onto friends who move away is also part of a social skills thing. If you can't relate super well in person, it's extremely difficult to do so remotely.

    But it's hard when our sort-of-adult kids don't have enough of a life of their own that WE can enjoy our own Saturday evening.
     
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  6. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    I am grateful that he finally has a good relationship with us, especially his father. There was a lot of animosity between them for years.

    And it's nice that he wants to hang out with us. But it just tears me up inside that he has nothing to do on a Saturday night, and I have a feeling that if he had some people to hang out with he would be with them and not calling us up.

    And I accept that he will probably never get married, and I don't care if he dates or not.

    Precisely, Insane! He lives with a houseful of guys. Many have issues. He went to see the Star Wars Movie last month wth one of them. I was happy to hear this. And now we get this phone call again.

    I have discussed with my therapist, and she told me not to feel guilty, that it's on him if he wants to sit home on Saturday night. And maybe, having him hang with us every weekend is a form of "enabling". That is, we are in his comfort zone and he is not forced, or miserable enough to socialize with peers.

    And I wonder, is that improv therapy doing any good at all?

    I just want him to have a social life. I just want him to have a LIFE :(.
     
  7. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    We were in same boat with our son until he moved to sober living in Florida. He had only one friend and that kid seemed okay but it's like his dad and I were his only connection to the outside world and we both hated it.

    Felt so bad for him. He should be out enjoying life but he was sitting home with us. He was sober. Going to dinner with us, going to Costco and SAMS OMG. He'd ask if we were going to Sams. Going to the movie with us. I know exactly how you feel. Then you wonder will they EVER have a social life? Is this really "it"?

    Then he went on a binge. He said he wasn't happy. Wasn't happy because he wasn't doing things other 20 year olds are doing. Well we weren't stopping him from NOT doing those things.

    The other night while at sober living my son texted and said he wanted to get his own place because he's "getting sick of people". What?? You can't get sick of people. People are everywhere! Obviously that is not possible ($$$) but I had this "fantasy" as I call it that he is there being someone he just is NOT. He is bored when he doesn't work which is 5 days per week (can't he work 7 days!). Doesn't like the gym, doesn't like the beach. BLAH
     
  8. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    Yep. So is my kid. Doesn't know what to do with himself,doesn't know how to entertain himself when he's not working or going to therapy twice a week or the improv class.

    Maybe it's because they spend so much time in an altered state. If you're high all the time, you really don't have to find anything to do, because being high or drunk or out of it IS the entertainment.
     
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Oh, you can get sick of people and need alone time. Introverts prefer it. We cant avoid people and I think most people like certain people, but some limit who we see, how we see them (groups or one on one) and how often, work excluded.We can also choose a social job or a quiet job.

    If I never go to another party again, ill be happy. Lots of people I dont know, drinking, small talk, noise...not unless I have to attend. I prefer one close person at a coffee shop and then home time to myself. I do like social jobs. It is in my opinion easier and more fun to shoot the breeze with strangers at work who dont require my dreaded small talk than people at parties. I have social anxiety in crowds, but dont mind meeting new people in small groups and never really wished to be an extravert. Honestly, it seems exhausting to me.

    We are all different which is why sometimes our dreams for our kids do not seem to be what they want. I would have disappointed parents who wanted a social kid. i had a few friends of my choosing, dated a lot, but refused to go to school functions such as Homecoming and Prom. And I steadfastly refused to go to Graduation. I was threatened if I didnt go, but I just shrugged and still did not go. I have never regretted any of what I chose to miss. Just was not my thing. My husband is thankfully similar.
     
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    Last edited: Apr 7, 2016
  10. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Somewhere; you are right. My husband is not social at all. He is very selective in what he wants to do and who he wants to do it with outside the home. Mostly a homebody and so is our son J. I think it's hard for him to live with 3 other guys, sharing a room with one. Someone is always home there he said. But college living will be similar and he is a long way from being on his own. Just happiness for him is all I want and all any parent wants for their kids.
     
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    RN, every time you post, your love for your son just sizzles off the page.

    RN, you can even find time alone in a college dorm. There are ways. I personally just would hrave avoided clubs or sororieties had I gone away to college and maybe found a few close friends to take with me to the library or a wuiet stretch of land.

    RN, my most social child, my youngest, is in a dorm. Everyone thinks she loves people because she is good with them, but inside she needs space. Girl drama drives my future law enforcement tomboy nuts. To get out of dorm drama, she now signed a lease with one very close friend and her own boyfriend for the rest of her college days. I think too much people time is hard for even many with good social skills.
     
    Last edited: Apr 7, 2016
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