Another update.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Esri, Jan 14, 2015.

  1. Esri

    Esri Member

    I see my original post is closed.

    She vandalized the car. I went to clean it out yesterday and when I opened the trunk, there was a large glass fish tank broken with rocks and shards of glass everywhere, a frozen can of beer(not sure if she wanted it to explode or was going to drink it) it's -5 where we live. There was garbage and a framed picture I gave her of her and I smashed.

    We think she probably did this the night we took her car. We had it in our driveway and she still had the other key.

    My husband went to her house and got the key. He got the key and left.

    She sent us an email to never come on her property again or she'll call the cops and that she wants nothing to do with us ever again.

    My first instinct was to reply but why bother? It will do no good.

    I am defeated. I have no fight left in me. But I have no choice but to keep moving on with my life for my other daughters sake.

    I still can't wrap my head around this.
     
  2. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Of course you can't, this stuff is beyond anything any of us expected or know how to deal with. We spend a lot of time trying to understand it, and really, usually we can't. It is what it is. We have to learn to accept it, the hardest thing of all. I'm so sorry Esri, this is so hard. I know. It hurts our hearts in a way nothing else has the power to do.

    What helped me was to get as much support as I could, and it helped so much. Put yourself in whatever supportive environments you can find. Attend an Al Anon meeting or a CoDa meeting, even if it actually doesn't apply to you, just sitting in a room with other folks going through similar things is so helpful. It helps us in so many ways.

    Today, be especially kind to yourself. Go out to lunch with a girlfriend or your husband, take a drive, get your nails done, have a massage, whatever nourishes you.........take care or YOU. Hang in there Esri, it will get better. It takes time.
     
  3. Esri

    Esri Member

    I just read the comments from the last thread.

    She has a phone now. She had one the same night we shut hers off. I knew she would. She said before that she wanted to go on her bfs plan. I asked her to pay the ETF because she had a contract. She didn't have the money. I will end up paying for that now.

    She has asked for help this summer. Money here, gas, shoes, lowered her phone payment even more. Paying her car payment in time because she couldn't. I didn't think it was a big deal and I helped. Sorry I didn't mention every time she asked for help. There are other times and other instances.

    I came here for guidance. I didn't even know websites this exist.

    I've read many of your stories. I felt your pain.

    Thank you for the advice. Even the hard stuff. I need to hear it.
     
  4. Esri

    Esri Member

    For the record, I never said she needed rehab or was a drug addict.

    She's doing drugs. That is fact. Dabbing even.

    Maybe this is a phase. I pray to everything holy that it is.

    But this is happening to me. Right now. I am going through this. My family is going through this.

    All of our stories are different but our 'stories' led us here. Looking for guidance.

    I'm not angry about anything that was said. I'm going to take what I can from this site and hopefully someday I can help others.
     
  5. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Personally I think you did the right thing taking the phone. Rewarding horrible behavior is not healthy. I believe we have to insist on respect, from EVERYONE, including our kids. Your daughter, like most of our kids, is extremely resourceful. You've helped all you can now. She has made the choice, now you have to accept what is. Not easy, but necessary. Perhaps she will understand when she is older and has to live on her own for awhile, I hope so. But, you can't make your life about waiting for her to figure it out. She's 18. We have no more control once they are "adults" in the eyes of the law.
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • List
  6. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Esri, take what works, leave the rest. None of us are experts, we're simply parents like you, wounded and trying to get through this. Your story has likely already helped many others who read along but don't post.
     
  7. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    That statement has been a big help to me. Believe me when I say not every person gave advice or comments I welcomed. I have had my feelings hurt and I have been offended. But, the majority of the time, even those who rubbed me the wrong way, have been helpful. Even if they don't agree or upset you...they truly want to support you.
    :group-hug:

    Just knowing someone out there has it as bad or worse helps. You are not alone.
     
    • Agree Agree x 3
    • Like Like x 2
    • List
  8. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hugs. This hurts just reading it; I know living it is 100 times worse.

    Know that many of us have been there. I agree this is the time to get some help for yourself, and to take care of yourself. There's a saying: out of crisis can come change. You just never know what can happen .. time, distance and maturity can soften these kids sometimes. The most important thing I've learned is to stay in the "now," and not think too far ahead with the "what ifs." Breathe in, breathe out .. and just know that in this moment, you're ok.
     
    • Agree Agree x 3
    • Winner Winner x 3
    • List
  9. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I'm not sure what your whole story is, I just read about her vandalizing the car. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. My difficult child trashed my home so many times, once took a butcher knife to my counter tops.
    I gave up a long time ago trying to "wrap my head around it" as I finally realized I had better things to do with my energy.

    I know that feeling all to well. Good for you that you realize you need to keep moving on with your life.
    It is very draining to deal with our difficult child's and that is why it's so important to take care of YOU.

    Hang in there and ((HUGS)) to you.
     
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    "God grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I can not change, (your daughter)
    The COURAGE to change the things I can (YOURSELF and your reactions to others)
    And the WISDOM to know the difference."

    I have read a good book that I am reading called "When Parents Hurt" by Dr. Joshua Coleman. You may find it comforting.

    http://www.amazon.com/s/?ie=UTF8&keywords=when parents hurt coleman&tag=googhydr-20&index=aps&hvadid=60682466472&hvpos=1t1&hvexid=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=13141972233941053110&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=b&hvdev=c&ref=pd_sl_7yuka0s6gg_b

    Hugs and stay strong. Keep posting.

    Now this is MY bit of advice that you can consider or toss in the garbage and if you toss it in the garbage, it's no problem. I know if this were me, I'd call the cops so that my beloved child, who can be vicious, does not ever destroy anything of mine again. But that's me. Some people just can not call the cops on their child. I get it. This is entirely up to you. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO DO WHAT WE THROW OUT THERE. This is all just feedback.

    Boy, that's what we get when we're nice, isn't it? My heart goes out to you. Keep posting. We are Warrior Moms here, some who have been at it for over a decade. We have had problems like yours and have survived, some of us very well. We want to help you through this by listening and validating and when you ask us, give our two cents.
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • List
    Last edited: Jan 14, 2015
  11. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Oh Esri, I'm so sorry to read about your daughter's outburst over the car. I'm sorry she doesn't understand why it was necessary. Obviously she was WAY in the wrong for that. I would absolutely be staying off her property and have no contact with her until I got a big and heartfelt apology.

    Take care of yourself and your other daughter right now. Posting helps, even if we don't always agree with the responses.
     
  12. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    I'm sorry Esri. It's incredible what we have to live through with our difficult children. It goes on and on and never seems to stop. The past five years with my son have been awful.

    We understand here. We are all at different points in our own lives and in our own journeys and that is the great strength of this site. I have been in recovery from enabling for the past 8 years, Esri. Little by little I have changed in the way I respond to what my son does. The change in me has been slow.

    Today, my difficult child is 25 and a half years old. He is working two jobs. He has an apartment. He hasn't been in jail since June 26 of last year. He hasn't been arrested for anything new.

    I am doing my best to be loving, encouraging and to stay out of his way as he lives his life. He lives in the same town that I live in, and he lives and works within 20 minutes of my house.

    I don't see him much and I think that is the way it needs to be for right now. There was a point at which I realized that I was possibly the worst person for him. I couldn't stop enabling and I wanted to, but I didn't know how. I started creating distance---physical distance---and working on myself. That was the best thing for me and for him.

    Warm hugs to you. We care about you and we get it. Please keep sharing here. Whatever you decide to do, we will respect it.
     
    • Like Like x 2
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • List
  13. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member

    Esri, Huge hugs.

    I am so sorry. My difficult child is very vindictive. What your daughter did sounds exactly what my difficult child would have done- vandalizing the car.

    It does get easier, but not overnight. This board helped husband and me tremendously.

    You know what, we do not deserve this treatment. I hope you get mad. Getting mad helped husband and me a lot. For so many years, we worried and blamed ourselves. It took over a decade to realize, Hey, this is totally unacceptable. difficult child is being a total jerk and we do not deserve this, nor should we tolerate it.

    Your daughter is choosing to play the victim. She is NOT a victim. You do not deserve this kind of treatment. You would not accept it from anybody else. Part of your hurt may come from remembering the past, how things were different. But, you know what, right now, this is who your daughter is. It is not okay. Nobody should treat anybody like this.

    Please, stay with us. Post often. It helps.

    And, absolutely, do something kind for yourself every single day. I hope you post tomorrow what nice/fun/comforting thing you did for YOU. Those posts are uplifting for all of us hurting moms.

    Guaranteed, you will feel better. It takes time and you must take steps to separate yourself from the crazy. As everybody else, I am here for you.

    And don't you dare second guess yourself about shutting off the phone. If you were not sure about that decision before, you must know now that you made the right decision.

    People treat us as badly as we allow them to treat us.
     
    • Winner Winner x 3
    • Like Like x 2
    • List
  14. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    I think you made a good choice in not replying as you said why bother, because sometimes engaging at the time may make us feel better at the time but you can almost bet that contact will come with a price to pay later.
    You have every right to move on with your life and take care of your family. She has moved out and moved on with a life of her own. (make sure her mail no longer comes there so she can not return as a resident of the home) Not approving of her choices does not make you a bad mom. We can not change who our children are. The hardest part about having a disordered child is accepting that we didn't break them and we can't fix them.
    I see the emotional coldness as abuse/punishment for taking the car away. You did the right thing by taking the car away and now she is punishing you for doing so. Just remember your child has every right to be mad at you/not like you, for doing things that they don't like or feel "entitled to".
    They have a right to their feelings even if they are unjust, but YOU also are entitled to yours. You also are entitled to keeping your family free from all forms of abuse: Mental, physical,emotional and financial. Yes we can be domestic violence victims from our own children. And as we would do if it was any other person, we have the right to stand up to them and say no to any abuse. They have no right to destroy your possessions and as someone mentioned on the board, if you are up to it press charges (destroying your property can be interpreted as financial abuse).

    It is hard to wrap your head around what these difficult child's do because most of them try to keep us enlisted in a hurricane of emotions or sick mental head games. We want to love/trust them even though they only want to use that love and trust against us for their own further gain. No wonder you have no fight left in you!

    Keep posting and we will do our best to help you.
     
    • Agree Agree x 3
    • Winner Winner x 2
    • Like Like x 1
    • List
Loading...