Any ideas ....

[mog]

I don't know if any of you have had to deal with this but I would appreciate some feed back. easy child is off in college and since she left we are not as close as we use to be -- part of the reason is her boyfriend. easy child and difficult child use to be close when they were little until we got custody of the two oldest kids. Lately she has been having a huge attitude about difficult child. She doesn't want to talk to him or see him and she told us that if he is still living here during the summer that she will not be. Both have done things to the other that was wrong and believe me neither one has clean hands. difficult child has been trying to apologize to her and make amends. He really realized this time that he was gone that he does have a family that loves him and wants to be closer to them. Grandparents--aunts -uncles-cousins-sisters and brother. He is really hurt that easy child won't even let him try. She is blaming him for her cd's being missing but he says he didn't do it and she didn't notice they were gone until 3-4 days after she went back to school and she always leaves them in her car unlocked and when I mention that to her she insists that difficult child took them but she doesn't have proof. It hurts me that easy child will not even try to let difficult child make amends but I don't know what to do about it. difficult child is starting to feel like no one cares and is losing hope.Anybody got any ideas?

 

[nvts]

Hi Mog! How're you holding up? Listen, I can sort of see where each one of them is coming from.

As far as you and easy child. She's 19 now and has behaved responsibly - going to college, involved with church etc. She's at an age where she's trying to break free and show you that you did a good job. I'd suggest that you don't knock the boyfriend and just be there to help pick up the pieces.

As far as she and difficult child: she's hurt and frustrated. For as long as she can remember, she's tried to stay close, she's tried to accept and love him and it's been a sense of banging her head against the wall. The cd's were probably the last straw. HOWEVER: if she's away at college and is only coming home for summer vacation - there could be an alternative motivation - like: the boyfriend has an apartment for the whole year and she can stay with him and it "wouldn't be her fault" that she had to move in!

difficult child needs to make amends. Sometimes people aren't willing to accept your apologies. Tell him to make sure that he is sincere in his conversation and to move on if she won't take it. She'll get over it!

Beth

 

[klmno]

My opinion- I'd steep back and let this work itself out naturally at this point. First, just because he started to realize something doesn't mean that acting like these things never happened is the best answer- it stil;l needs to see that there are long term effects on relationships. My guess is that they will eventually work things out on their own and he might not take that relationship for granted in the future if it goes thru a process first. Second, she's old enough to handle her own relationship (good or bad) with him as long as no one is doing anything harmful or too extreme. I'm viewing it as natural consequences for him and independence for her. But if it takes it's course, they'll work thru this at some point.