Any suggestions?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by ksm, Aug 2, 2016.

  1. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    two days ago I found out that our X dtr in law is in jail, charged with a felony robbery and on $250,000 bond. No way she will be bonded out! There were two robberies in the town she lives - across the country from us- and she was the get away driver. The other female used a pair of scissors to threaten the employees of the first store, and a hand gun a few days later at a fast food place. They got away with less than $500 total.

    My question...on Thursday evening both girls will be home and we plan to tell them. I have contacted the county court/jail where their bio mom is, and I can check Thursday afternoon for an update to what happens at a hearing that morning.

    My girls are now 16 and 18. Because of FB, they might find out about it soon. Any suggestions how to handle? What to say or do? I am thinking of getting her mailing address and giving it to the girls. I don't know that their mom has anyone who will put funds on her account so that she would have the ability to write them. Once when she was held locally for a month, we put money on her account so she could write or call. She bought candy.

    She is 48. She has a legal record of 4 arrests in 5 years since she moved out of state. Three warrants from the state we live in. But probably 25 arrests aver the last 30 years. None of them were this serious. I saw them all when I googled the state arrest record. She will probably get a long sentence. But maybe not, as she was already throwing the other lady under the bus...

    Last week, the youngest was complaining how she wasn't answering phone... Both of them fear that someday she will die and no one will know what happened...so being in lock up at least lets them know where she is.

    KSM
     
  2. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    KSM, so sorry to hear this. I'm also sorry that you are left to deal with telling the girls.

    There is no easy way to tell them hard news. The only thing I can offer is to keep the details to a minimum and if they ask for more then tell them as they are old enough to know. I would also remind them that their mother is a very troubled person and while her actions are not acceptable, she still needs love.

    I think getting the address so they can communicate with her is good. Again, they are old enough to know what is going on and if you try to keep something from them that can lead to them seeking things out of their own. I would preface it with telling them that when you put money on her books she used it for candy.

    Know that when you talk with the girls we are all here supporting you.

    ((HUGS))
     
  3. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    IF I put money on her account, I will write a letter to her first and tell her that I expect her to first write to her daughters. If the money disappears, and no letters arrive, it will be the last time I put money on her account.

    I wouldn't put it past her to write and ask them for money...

    The only positive thing that might come out of this is that the girls might be more careful about who they have as friends. I try to warn them that poor friend choices can lead to bad consequences. I have never known their mom to be violent... But she is in way over her head now.

    Ksm
     
  4. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    I agree with Tanya. Since they're older and know she's been in trouble before, this shouldn't come as too much of a shock. I'd approach it as casually as such a thing can be...that you know they've been worried since they couldn't contact her and you know they might find out another way, they need to know that she's fine, she's not hurt, but she's in trouble with the law again. If they want to write to her, you have the address, but it's up to them. If they want details, they are free to ask, but right now she's just waiting for a trial and you have no way of knowing how long she'll be in jail. You might soften it to, "She was waiting in the car for someone else who robbed someone." as opposed to "being the get-away driver". But they girls aren't little kids, so I'm not sure that's necessary.

    I'm so sorry. I know how hard it is to tell someone their parent isn't one of the good guys. I had to tell my son his father was in jail when he died - by his own hand. He was 7 when it happened. I didn't give him any details other than, "he had an accident" until he was 17 and specifically asked. It was still hard.
     
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  5. Sister's Keeper

    Sister's Keeper Active Member

    KSM,

    A reluctant welcome to my world. Honestly, in your situation, with the fact that you girls are grown, and almost grown, just tell them the truth. This isn't the 1st time she's been in jail, and with social media the way it is they are likely to find out anyway.

    I would just tell them the truth. They are going to find out anyway. Like Lil said, keep it casual.

    My personal rules are that I don't put money on books and I don't accept collect calls. The calls run up and they try to do sneaky things like have you connect 3 way calls so they can get in touch with people they shouldn't. The money just goes to all kinds of crap and funds gambling. With my sister, she has always been able to get herself a jail "job" to finance her account.

    I would be careful of her asking them for money.
     
  6. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Told both girls at lunch today. They were pretty indifferent... So he was good. But I know them, when the next big thing comes up in their lives, like birthdays or Christmas, or graduation, etc...they will miss not having their mom to share it with.

    We called their brother's parents and talked to his mom (the court placed him with bio dad and his wife, who adopted him) and they will tell him this evening when his dad gets home. Me is 19, but they appreciated being the ones to give him the info and being there for him.

    I have just been crossing my fingers that somehow the kids would not find out from others first. Their older brother and uncle told us a couple days ago...

    KSM
     
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