Anyone afraid of grown son

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Madelyn, May 7, 2015.

  1. Iwantpeace

    Iwantpeace Member

    I've never posted anything before. I am desperate. Until recently he lived at my home because I wanted a safe place for grandchild to visit. That has all come to an end. His ex filed an injunction against him and it has gone downhill. I ended up filing an injunction because he scared and threatend me. He moved out and I dropped my injunction in hopes of him getting counseling and back on track to see his child. He also tried to kill himself coinsidentally the same day I filed my injunction. He didn't know I had filed but I felt terrible about doing it but glad that it made him move out. He has anger/rage issues that I believe are related to adderol abuse. The other morning I went in my garage to leave for work and someone had driven and smashed into my garage door so hard that the tail lights on my car were broken and the garage door was off the wall. I called the police but did not say who I thought it was because?? He's my son? Who else would have done that. I'm heart sick because I've not been able to see my grandchild because I, affraid he will show up or find out and feel like I'm on her side. I know he loves and misses his child but he has done nothing to get back on track. He blames me for everything and now says it's my fault he can't see his child. He was use to me being to go between for him and her. Now I'm too afraid to be around him. The night he left he busted my bedroom door in. I was screaming at the top of my lungs. He kept saying "give me your phone, I know you've called the police. " He was out of his mind. I managed to run out of MY home in my pjs and hid between nieghbor a home. He left I went back in home and turned my alarm on. The garage incident was weeks after I got out of order, sorry. So I haven't been staying at my home because I can't sleep. I'm 58 and have to be able to sleep and go to work. I leave when it's still dark out so I have been living in fear. I also have found out he has been telling people for years that he was abused as a child. That really hurts. I was a stay at home mother, he was raised with Christina values and good morales. I wasn't perfect but he was never abused. What worries me is in his mind I have caused all his problems. I know he has a problem with adderol but he won't take any responsibility. He actually went to his ex workplace who has an injunction the other day. I'm worried now he will be desperate because he might be in trouble for that. After all this he will still text me asking me to ask her if he can see his child. Does he not remember anything he's done? She's not going to let him see the child. He made threats to kidnap him, I don't even feel safe around him to be the visitation place. I can't think of my grandchild without crying. What that precious child must think. Where is his daddy and nana. I have had a realtor come to my home because I think I need to sale my home and move somewhere so I can have my grandchild come over. I can't believe I might need to sale my home to be safe. The worst part is I still worry about my son and love him. I worry he has ruined his life and there is no comeback from this. He has made threats to kill me and her. I fell hopeless and alone. I know somewhere in there is my son who is hurting and lost. I'm tired and have to survive this.
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Go to Parent Emeritus. Your post really speaks to people there...we all have grown adult kids. I'm going to as a mod to move it there. Then you can get some great answers.

    From what I read, you need to tell the police HE did it, get a restraining order against him and stop trying to cover up for his criminal behavior. He will never learn or change if you try to take care of him. It is not your responsibility to be a go between between he and his wife.
    You need to take care of YOU and make sure you take measures to do so. He is a man. He has to act like one.

    Too bad if he's hurting. He did it to himself. Doesn't help to enable his horrible behavior. He can get help for himself if he is so lost and sad. Bet he refuses help.

    It does sound like drugs, but he is choosing to abuse them.
     
    Last edited: May 7, 2015
  3. DoneDad

    DoneDad Active Member

    What would you do if someone that wasn't your son was doing these things?

    That's what you need to do.

    Get a restraining order. When he violates it call the police.
     
  4. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    As you read with us here, you will find that people who are abusing drugs blame those who love them most for the destruction the drug use has caused in their lives. They do this, every single time.

    What the drugs have done to his life has nothing to do with you.

    I am sorry this is happening to you, and to your family.

    I'm sorry, Madelyn, but your son has no business seeing his child in the condition he is in.

    I think, when we are in the deeps of it with drug use, we sort of cling to that parent identity as proof that we were decent once. It isn't anything to do with the child, I don't think. To you, or to me, it makes perfect sense that not seeing our child would just about do us in. If this were true of our addicted kids, they would stop using.

    Demanding to see the children they refuse to parent in any other way is a manipulation.

    You are here with us, now.

    It will get more understandable, now. We have been where you are. I am so sorry for the pain of it.

    Cedar
     
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  5. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Welcome Madelyn,
    I am so sorry for what you are going through. You are not alone.
    I know he is your son but you really need to call the police if he is threatening you or damaging your property. I called the police several times on my son.
    He needs to be held accountable for his actions. Do NOT feel sorry for him, he has made choices that have led to him not being able to see his children.
    My son was also raised in a Christian home but that did not stop him from lying and telling people that his dad and I beat him. One thing you must understand is our Difficult Child (difficult children) will say and do anything to get people to feel sorry for them. It's manipulation.
    Your safety should be your top priority. @DoneDad is right, get a restraining order and do not be afraid to call the police.
    You shouldn't have to sell your home, your home is the one place you should feel safe. I do understand your thought process though. I know what I'm going to say will hurt, but your son should be in jail for what he has done. I know you love him, I get that, we all get that. There is not one parent on this site that does not love their child. The point is, our children are adults and they are no longer our responsibilty and they need to be accountable for the choices they make. It is not good for you or son if you continue to enable him and that is what you are doing by not calling the police and letting him live in your home. I'm glad he moved out, that is one less thing you will have to do.
    Perhaps you can see your grandchildren in a neutral atmoshphere, a local park, a McDonald's that has a play area, the zoo, just any place that you and their mother can meet.
    Stay close to this site, we are here to support you. Let us know how things are going.
    ((HUGS)) to you.........................
     
  6. Iwantpeace

    Iwantpeace Member

    Thank you for taking the time to respond. I've been reading stories all day and I had no idea how many people are going through the same thing. I'm so grateful I stumbled on this site. At this point I cry almost constantly if I'm not at work. I am glad to know that I can learn some possible coping skills from others here. I have just been in a state of terror....
     
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  7. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I'm glad you found us too. It's a wonderful community to be a part of.

    @recoveringenabler has posted a great article on detachment. I've copied the link for you but you can always find it at the top of the Parent Emeritus forum.
    It is really good to read it, then read it again. Many have printed a copy.
    http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/#axzz3ZVNveFde

    Hang in there and stay close to this site, we are all here for each other. If I can survive what my Difficult Child put me through so can you.

    :notalone::group-hug::staystrong:
     
  8. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member

    Hi Iwantpeace,

    Another member here welcoming you to this Godsend-of-a-place for parents of kids like ours.

    I am sorry you are dealing with this. My twocents: yes, do not let fear of your son stop you from doing what is right by both of you. And, a restraining order sounds like a good idea to me.

    My 33yo son could/can be very hateful & mean. He has never threatened my husband and me physically, but wow, has he smeared us every way he can. (He also has a felony for terroristic threatening an ex girlfriend).

    He also abused Adderal, as well as spice, alcohol (and who knows what else). I remember a court-appointed atty telling us he qualified for a dual-diagnosis treatment program. Head-in-the-sand me was clueless as to what the "other" diagnosis could be. Her answer: substance abuse.

    Well, well....of course. That got one of my feet out of LaLa Land. Though, it took another few years to make me stumble out of that place.

    Keep close to the board. Posting and reading, as well as following advice - such as seeking support groups, doing something kind for YOU each and every day, etc. - will go a long way toward strengthening you. In a short amount of time, you will feel much less powerless than you do right now. Promise.

    Hugs,
    SS
     
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  9. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    This is terrorism, it is way beyond damage to property. Your son is promoting terror in your life.

    You need to recognize that the longer he continues on this rampage, the greater the chance it will end badly for him and for others.

    You deserve peace, safety, well-being.

    Anything you have to do through the legal process to contain him...forget about treatment...that is his responsibility...you need to do.

    A restraining order is the minimum.

    Several years ago my son took a mallet and destroyed several bicycles in our garage. He did so in vengeance. Looking back, his anger might have been justified. But not the destruction.

    I wish I had called the police and pressed charges. It would have been the right thing to do.

    Perhaps holding him account would have gotten his attention, and he would have chosen to live differently, better...as a result. But, I wanted to protect him....

    The thought of protecting myself...did not enter my mind. Then.

    I wish it had not come to this for you...but I am glad you are here, with us.

    Welcome
     
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    Last edited: May 7, 2015
  10. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Ew.

    I remember dancing around those issues, too.

    I didn't want what was wrong to be either one.

    I wanted it to be something I had done, some bad way I had parented, so I could make it right, again.

    And do you know that after all these miserable years, I am still blasting through little layers of denial. It's an odd place to be. I still don't want it to be either one.

    I like this piece that Copa wrote. I mean I like the feel of it. "Anything you have to do...to contain him...forget about treatment...that is his responsibility"

    Good job, Copa.

    Cedar
     
  11. Iwantpeace

    Iwantpeace Member

    Something that has struck a chord in me while reading here is that this is my new normal. A painful pill to swallow but I know it's true. I can't cover or hide it from anyone anymore. It is out in the open with my family, neighbors and co-workers. I tried my best to keep it hidden. I have learned a lot just after 2 days of being here.
     
  12. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Yes, it's a painful pill to swallow but it does not have to define who you are. You get to choose each day how YOU will live your life.
    I won't lie, there are those awkward moments when you meet new people and they ask that "dreaded" question, "do you have children" I have learned to keep my responses very short. First of all, you do not owe anyone an explaination about your son and never apologize for him.

    Example:
    New Person "Do you have children?"
    Me "Yes, one son"
    New Person "How old is he, what does he do for a living"
    Me "He's 33 and we are estranged"
    New Person "Oh, what happend?"
    Me "It's personal"

    That should be the end of it. If the person continues just keep repeating "It's personal"
    If they get really pushy I will flat out tell them, "it's none of your business"

    I have gotten to the point that I do not care what other people think of me. I do not carry around the shame of not having a "perfect child" like I used to. There are a select few who are close to me that I have shared my story with but only after I got to know them and trust them.

    I love this site for the reason that we can share with each other without the condemnation or judgement. Those that have not been through what we all have can never understand.

    Iwantpeace, this is a turning point for you. This is where you start taking YOUR life back. It's a process but we are here for you to help you navigate it.

    One common theme among all of us is be good to yourself. Do one thing each day that is just for you. Start bringing joy back into your life.[​IMG]
     
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  13. Iwantpeace

    Iwantpeace Member

    Tanya, thank you so much for all your heart felt support. It is truly appreciated!
     
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