Anyone else raised by a difficult child?

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by greenrene, Jan 17, 2012.

  1. greenrene

    greenrene Member

    This site has been so helpful to me in not only dealing with my own difficult child, but also understanding more about my own mother, who would most definitely be classified as a difficult child. Possibly an extreme difficult child.

    Her birth was traumatic - forceps were used, and she was blue when she emerged. I heard bits and pieces about her childhood from my grandparents but not much, enough to know that she was a difficult child in a time/place where it was very much misunderstood.

    She has never been officially diagnosed, but she has issues with depression, anxiety, narcissistic tendences, and bipolar tendencies. All that made for quite the upbringing for yours truly. She and I never truly bonded, and that has affected me in more ways than I care to really think about. She was verbally abusive and downright cruel at times to my younger sister and me. My father was/is loving and kind and always said that my mother couldn't control her temper, that she didn't really mean it when she cursed us out, said she hated us, and called us good-for-nothings. I didn't understand it at the time (what child can?), but I'm understanding more now that I'm grown. Lately I've been reading some about how attachment issues can affect a person's adult life. Wow. I'm finally starting to understand some of my own hangups and issues. I also have a wonderful mother figure in my mother in law, and I'm sloooooooooowly healing from lifelong wounds.

    Add to the mix the fact that I grew up in a church that has one foot in the cult category... yeah. Mother issues and God issues. That's me.

    Anyone else raised by a difficult child?
  2. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Oh yeah- I won't go into detail because I've spent so many years trying to get psat it and forget about it. But most definintely- my mother was (and is) a MAJOR difficult child.
  3. cubsgirl

    cubsgirl Well-Known Member

    My mother is a difficult child. She hasn't spoken to me in 15 years because I'm not "mature enough to approach her".....whatever that means.

    You're not alone.
  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Oh, you'll find plenty of company.

    My mom is/was a major class A difficult child. She's mellowed quite a bit with advancing age. Or else I've done a great job keeping boundaries in place......but it's probably just the age and a potent sense of her own mortality. lol
  5. greenrene

    greenrene Member

    My mom has mellowed a lot with age, too. She's now in her early 70's. Distance has done us a lot of good. I think having children was just too much for her.

    I was always afraid of becoming a mother myself because I was afraid I'd be like her.
  6. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    Yea, I'm a member of this club too. I have posted about her before as it relates to my kids, especially difficult child 1. She was a "good kid" according to my grandmother so I have no idea what happened when she had kids. She was physically and verbally abusive. Now, she is WORSE. She is passive aggressive, opinionated, judgemental, obsessive, and speaks her mind in not so nice terms. Age has NOT mellowed her.
  7. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I was born to Mommy Dearest. I swear they wrote that book about my mother.
  8. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Yes, count me in as well. I just don't think my mom should have had so many, but she claims that she and my dad were so in love she wanted to keep having his babies (oh puke). I was a surprise at 40 for her. She was great in some ways, twisted and selfish in others...she wouldn't win any awards.

    But I've made peace with her. Now she's a harmless old lady in a nursing home, trapped by her weight, health issues and Alzheimer's, confined to her wheelchair. Despite her gfgness (which she still has), I love and care for her.
  9. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    No difficult child Dads?
    They have to be out there, too...
    Surely I'm not the only one with...
    - a difficult child Mom
    - a difficult child Dad
    - at least 10 uncles and aunts who were over-the-top difficult child...
    - and then there's the "cousins"... 5 generations of them...

    I grew up in difficult child-land.
    My poor kids. They never had a chance!
  10. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    Undiagnosed psychotic mother....still. But, thank goodness we're all normal, right? lol
  11. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Yep! Welcome to the CLUB!

    My dad was never diagnosed because he refused to listen to those "crazy" doctors, lol!

    Agoraphobic. Panic disorder. Depressive. Paranoid. Reclusive. Verbally abusive and occasionally physically abusive. Very controlling. Hoarder. Mild substance abuser. And now deceased a year ago August.

    Lots of unresolved Daddy issues and codependency bad habits that I'm slowly breaking.

    I'm just happy my mother has some semblance of a LIFE left to enjoy before her time is up here. I hope she takes it as far as she can :)
  12. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Hugs for the hurt you experienced growing up.

    My mom had me at age 17. She was abused by my alcoholic dad and left him when I was 2 yrs old. I was raised by my mother alone.
    She went through a "hippy stage" in California. She moved me around the country 10 X by the time I was in 9th grade. She used pot in front of me...a friend (school teacher no less) of my mothers and my mother bought me a 6pack of beer to "calm me down" on the way to summer camp when I was in 6th-7th grade. I also rescued her from a near "rape" in our living room when I was around 7th grade...after she had gone to a bar and met a man and brought him to our house. I had to tell him to get the H out of our Home!
    So, yes, there were times that I was "raising my mother" as she was not quite suited for motherhood til I was at least 14-15 yrs old...that is when she decided to change her life, start going to church, let us live in one place and so on.
    Today she is NOT the same mother that I was raised by. I don't think she can handle all of the truth though regarding our "past together" as she often changes "history" these days.
    I KNOW the truth though...
    It was tough growing up with her. A difficult child? Not sure, but most certainly a very immature and non-nurturing mother for half of my childhood.

  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Both of my parents were difficult child's. Mom was high strung, hyper, depressed, anxious, and loved to call names that I had to fight very hard to get out of my head. She disinherited and disowned me for reasons unclear to me and my siblings.

    Dad is a narcissistic man whose entire world revolves around himself. I can't remember how many times he has said, "Not one of you has given me one moment of pleasure, not one!" Yet he barely pays any attention to us or his grandkids and can't even remember the name of his great-grandson. He's never seen him. His main interests are the ladies in his life and impressing them, and he is 87 years! I'd say good for him, but he has been this way for as far back as I can remember. His rages were also frightening, although he did refrain from hitting us most of the time.

    If given the choice at Thanksgiving to be with his kids and grandchildren and his lady friend's (whoever she happens to be) kids and grandkids, he always chooses to go elsewhere.

    I believe strongly that every challenge in your life is a test from your higher power and a chance to learn. I believe both my parents taught me how NOT to!!!! MY sister agrees :) We have not repeated the cycle, so that is one good thing!
  14. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    OK, my parents have a few issues here and there, but for the most part they're well adjusted people, or at least they were by the time I started remembering!!! There are difficult child moments, but...

    husband's parents, on the other hand - WHEW!!! Both MAJOR MAJOR difficult child's. I see why father in law's parents sent him to boarding school, and mother in law - well, her father died when she was 4, and her mother was ALSO a huge difficult child. So... I'm amazed husband is as normal as he is! (Not saying much...)
  15. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    My mother is schizophrenic. My father is a sociopath.
    My brother is an opportunist, who was happy to throw me under the bus when the time came, to ensure that he remained in good standing with difficult child-mother and difficult child-father.

    My grandmother, bless her soul, was the most wonderful, caring, loving person ever, and the reason I survived all of the above. She hung on by sheer force of will for an extra 2 years after the doctors said she only had 6 months to live, to make sure I was old enough (12) to raise myself the rest of the way, as she had raised me up until that point.

    I'm part difficult child myself. Who wouldn't be under the circumstances? But I think I'm under the 50% line, so I'm happy with it.