Bluebell, I hope it helps to know that others here have experienced just what you are now experiencing. That actually gives me so much comfort and support.
We hired lawyers for the first few times. Then we stopped and now public defenders are what he gets. One of my friends is married to an attorney and one day she "sat me down" and gave me a big talk about how wrong I was for not hiring an attorney every time.
She meant well, and I love her, but really?
This last time I broke tradition and contacted a friend who is an attorney who called in a favor and got my difficult child a defense attorney, since he was in rehab and we wanted him to stay there, even though he had to come back here to court on a probation violation. The defense attorney said he would just charge difficult child $25 a month and they would work it out. I met with both of the attorneys and they were very giving and caring and supportive to me.
For nothing. Before difficult child got back here to court, he failed a drug test in rehab and got kicked out. For the second time at the same rehab.
He got back here (due to my buying him a bus ticket) after being homeless in another city over Christmas and the attorneys, District Attorney and judge presented difficult child with the chance to go to rehab again. The District Attorney here in my county is a good friend of my ex-husband. He "wanted to help difficult child." difficult child said no. So he served his time in jail, and now has "language" which means if you get arrested again, you're going to prison for the full term. He got out of jail Feb. 14 and last Wednesday got arrested for stealing $94 worth of merchandise from Walmart. Food, beer and an xbox controller. He says he was "hungry."
So my point here is this, bluebell. If there is no commitment to change from difficult child, we are basically throwing our money down the toilet.
I have been there done that. Too many times.
I have decided. I HAVE DECIDED, Bluebell, that I am not going to go bankrupt, to the proverbial poor house, jeopardize my own future, my own sanity, my own emotional health, my own happiness, my own life....even for my precious son who is still not taking responsiblity for his own life.
If I ever see him doing that in a believable manner, I will help him again.
But until then, I am limiting my involvement with him and working so freakin' hard to be loving, supportive and encouraging when I do have contact with him, while telling him the truth as I see it, if and when I am asked.
I am carving out a new path with him for myself.
I talked with my sweet mother yesterday who has been very upset about difficult child's latest arrest. We both said it took us a few days to regain our equilibrium. She wanted to tell me about several friends of hers and people in our own family who have spent YEARS AND YEARS dealing with difficult children. These people are now in their 70s and still running around like chickens with their heads cut off, dealing with their own failing health, and then the constant crises of their difficult children. There is never enough to give. The difficult children just keep taking and taking and taking, with all kinds of chaos and drama and very real situations. There is always something. And they expect their parents and their siblings and their significant others and their ex-husbands and whomever they can corral to just keep on handing out to them.
One just totaled her car. Again.
One had a seizure last week.
One's son is now in a military boarding school, paid for by her sister and her husband. He had an offer of a job there for the summer. But no, he wants to come home. And his difficult child mother, who has no skin in the game because her sister paid the freight, is saying, okay, honey just come on home. History is sadly and sickeningly repeating itself in this particular family.
Why? in my humble opinion, because people didn't say no a long, long, long time ago. And they don't say no today. Because of the disease of addiction and other mental illnesses.
I do believe people do the best they can. We all do. We struggle so hard with what to do and what not to do. This brings us completely to our knees. I have compassion for us and for them.
But once we know better and we study this, and we listen to hundreds and hundreds of stories and what happened---and realize that the patterns are exactly the same, and we read books and become informed, and we do and do and do and do and finally realize none of that doing ever did anything good, THEN we have a responsibility to ourselves, at the very least, to do better. And to our difficult children.
Today I can clearly see that if I take over the daily responsibilities for my son that he should be doing for himself, I am completely robbing him of a chance at a real life. I might as well be killing him myself.
Your son is younger, Bluebell. I am not suggesting you should do any of the same things I did or am doing. Only you can decide what works for you and your family. This is the saddest and most frustrating thing in the world, what we are doing, and I do believe we grow from it. But it is hard.
Hugs and peace and blessings to you today. Keep posting. Let's keep talking. It helps so much.