Back to court

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Sherril2000, Jul 14, 2015.

  1. Sherril2000

    Sherril2000 Active Member

    My son's court date is coming up next week & I'm dreading it. I'm very apprehensive about what will happen. So tired of being put in this position by my d.c. I don't want to see him locked up, but am so scared when he does get out he'll be hurt or killed if he keeps living the lifestyle he has been. Does this ever get easier?
  2. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Sherril, I do not have a child who has been locked up, but my son is in distress and struggling and keeps making the same mistakes over and over again. I despair that he will ever learn, and cannot bear seeing him suffer.

    I am on the same roller coaster as you are. I see that the only way I can survive this is changing myself. Somehow modifying in some way the link between the way I feel and his state of mind and affairs. When they are babies this is adaptive and protective. When they are adults, not so much.

    I can see why so many Mothers turn to Buddhism and other spiritual practices.

    I asked the older men what had changed for them. They answered that they had tired of going back and forth to prison, that it took too much of a toll. It was no longer fun to them, living as they had. They stopped.

    Take care of yourself. Let us know how you are.
    Last edited: Aug 24, 2015
  3. Sherril2000

    Sherril2000 Active Member

    Thank you for this. It helps to know that maybe he will grow up & become tired of wasting his life sitting in jail. Your experience is valuable, because you see prisoners every day . I'm sorry about your son's choices too. Praying for you & him.
  4. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    First you have to remember that what he does is out of your control. Second, yes, it does get easier because you are stronger than you realize.

    The first time my son went to jail I was a mess. I too worried about what would happen to him. I learned very quickly that my son was tougher than I thought. I had an image in my mind of what I thought it was going to be like for him and it was nothing like that. Don't get me wrong, jail is jail and it's not a nice place to be.
    Again, as for living the way he is, I get that and yes it is scary. My son is 33 and he and many of the D C's we share about here live a lifestyle that's not always safe but somehow they always manage to survive.

    I do know you can drive yourself nuts worrying and worrying does no good, it changes nothing. It will only suck the energy right out of you. Try and stay busy do what you can to occupy your mind. Your son started a course of events and the outcome it out of your control. You only have control over yourself and how you will respond. Slow deep breathing a good thing. Focus on your breathing and stay in the present moment.

    You will get through this.

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  5. Sherril2000

    Sherril2000 Active Member

    Thank you. Would it be wrong to say I feel safe when he's locked up? I hate it that he's in there, but at least he's not out on the streets around guns & drugs. A lot of anxiety wondering what will happen Wednesday. I realize it's up to him to change. Sad, isn't it to love someone so much ? I pray every night for him to get his life straight. I'm staying busy working overtime. Had a day off today & thought a lot about him & how much I miss him. Back to work in ICU tomorrow, so I won't have time to worry!
  6. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    No, it's not wrong, it's human. I always felt better when my son was in jail. At least when they are in jail we know where they are and we know they are eating and have shelter, oh and lets not forget, they aren't drinking or drugging.

  7. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Hi Sherril. How much time is he looking at? What is the worst case?

    Absolutely I understand how you feel when he is relatively safe. It makes total sense.

    Sometimes the men feel that too. They are very frightened to be released. They feel that there is no way out for them, especially if they are affiliated with a gang.

    And sometimes they feel they cannot control themselves with the drugs when they are out and they can inside. They like their lives better inside.

    I know guys with life sentences who accept that incarceration is the best thing for them. They would want to be out, but recognize it would not be in their best interests. These two guys I am thinking about have long-term meth habits. While I know many people who have stopped some people do not want to.
    I can see that both ways.

    In one way it is not sad. We are mothers. I will never be sorry I was a mother. I love my son more than myself. Nothing in life would have given me that meaning.

    The other way to look at is this: I am really, really hard on myself when my son is at risk. And this is sad because I do not deserve this self-attack. But the thing is, I can learn how to get over this. I am trying.

    I am grateful to you that you have shared some of your story. It is helpful for me to talk to other mothers. I no longer feel alone.

    PS I think nurses rock, too.

    Thank you.
  8. Sherril2000

    Sherril2000 Active Member

    Aww thank you both so much. In answer to your question, the worst case scenario is 8 years. He & someone he barely knows decided to sell fake pills to a drug dealer. Brilliant huh? The drug dealers neighbors called the police because there was so much commotion, & he told the police my son & this other guy robbed him. His attorney says he may actually get the whole thing dropped. I don't want my son to think he can just do things like this without being punished though. He has to learn that he can't break the law. He always tells he's not safe on the outside without a gun. Makes me sad. He's had so many advantages, & definitely doesn't need to rob anyone. Ever since he's been locked up, he's tried to act tough. He's a little guy (5'6"), so he acts mean so he doesn't get picked on.
    I'm with you, I'm way too hard on myself too, when it comes to him, or any of my kids. And you're right, we don't deserve this self criticism. It really helps to talk to other moms who've been through this . I come here when I just can't take it anymore. Thank YOU!
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  9. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Oh no. The consequences could have been so much worse.
    Oh dear. You are between a rock and a hard place on this one.

    Try to stay neutral and not hope for one thing, just for the right thing to happen. Because if you wish too hard for an outcome, you may feel responsible later, if it turns out to not be the best thing.

    I know this sounds primitive, that we as mothers do not have that kind of power. But it is a question of guilt. We always feel as if we are responsible.

    The outcome is out of your hands. There is not one thing you can do. He will handle whatever comes his way. And so will you.

    Take care. Keep posting.
  10. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member


    My son has been locked up several times, and once in a penitentiary. I begged for that not to happen and the folks I talked to were nice, while treating me like I was clueless. I was. I flew 1500 miles to beg his case. I tell you, i was clueless. I saw that sweet little boy referred to so often on this forum.

    Right now, all you have is what is there today for you. You can do this. You can so deal with today. Do not worry about tomorrow or yesterday. husband and I dealt with yesterday and tomorrow so much, so much wasted time. Do not allow yourself to go there.

    Just go with right now. Your son will adjust and life will get easier.

    At 34, I do believe my son is now very afraid of jail. Is he making good choices? No, he is not. But, we are hopeful. Way more hopeful than when he started the downward spiral - which led to incarceration. Being locked up can make a difference, eventually.


    I agree, RN's ROCK1
  11. Sherril2000

    Sherril2000 Active Member

    Thank you all. I really appreciate the support I get here. Feeling much less alone tonight
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  12. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    You are welcome.
    You are not alone. And neither am I.

    Have a great day tomorrow at work.