Backed into a corner

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by JenniferLee, Mar 14, 2015.

  1. JenniferLee

    JenniferLee New Member

    My 16 year old daughter got back from foster care 3 months ago. I sent her there. She didn't want to live with me anymore, and hated me. Wasn't going to school and ran away twice. She was doing some drugs, (so she said) caught a 19 old boy in bed, I called the police, and human services was also notified. Everything was good for a while after foster care. Just Tuesday of this week, I caught another young man in her bed, shes been away from the home ever since. Keeps telling me to chill out shes coming home in a little bit, she just needs to cool off. I've taken her to see a therapist and I'm beginning to wonder if she has some mental health issues. I don't have a clue what to do. Human services has been contacted again, but they pretty much said I was on my own. The second time I reached out to them I didn't even get a response. I have to have a referral to get her into a in house treatment facility, and the therapist I took her to doesn't seem to think they work. So no referral I'm assuming. I have no idea what to do. Please help me. I live in a very small town in Colorado.
     
  2. runawaybunny

    runawaybunny Administrator Staff Member

    Hello, and welcome. Glad you found us, but I'm very sorry your daughter has put you in a situation where you had to...

    Your daughter is being very difficult and by avoiding you she's putting you in an impossible parenting position. I suggest that you set strong boundaries for yourself where necessary.

    Since she doesn't listen to you it's important for you to continue to involve outside assistance ie. courts, police, programs, etc. so that a consequence can be determined by a higher force other than just you. It's in both of your best interests for you to keep reporting her.

    Mental health issues are a real possibility for your daughter so I would try to get her a Neuro-psychiatric evaluation if you can get her to comply.

    I know you are frustrated, and at the end of your rope. Hang in there.
     
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Wow. I don't know about mental health issues or drugs, but no matter what, she knows what she is doing and is doing it on purpose. If it were my child, she would have no cell phone, no car use, nothing until/unless she respected my house rules. And not coming home? I'd call the cops. And I'd probably press charges against any over 18ers who had sex with her.

    Mental health issues do not make anyone do things they shouldn't do unless they are blatantly psychotic and don't know reality from fantasy and it does not sound like this is the case. You can certainly get her help...that's a good thing...but I would still make her earn back her stuff and learn there are consequences.

    Tip: I'd get her on The Pill and make it in shot form...the long term kind...or you're going to be getting called Grandma soon and your grandchild will have a very unstable mother.
     
  4. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    The consent laws in your state don't really leave you room to charge the boys, per http://www.age-of-consent.info/states/Colorado

    I would have a fit about strangers in my home. You cannot really stop someone from having sex esp a teen. Hundreds of years of parents have tried and failed. Long acting birth control, meaning an IUD or the shot, are pretty much your options. Get her to an OBGYN, get her examined and tested and on birth control ASAP. The exam is not a punishment, it is a consequence, although many girls may think it is a punishment. If I were you, I would tell the doctor that he/she has your permission to examine your daughter if your daughter comes in on her own. My daughter's doctor has had that okay for years because if my daughter has a problem and doesn't think she can talk to me, I want her to get medical help anyway if needed.

    Then keep calling the cops incl truancy officers if she is skipping school. I would take away the things she likes and make her earn them back.

    Read "Parenting your teen with Love & Logic", available online and in bookstores. in my opinion it is the BEST for helping to sanely parent teens. Follow the strategies, explore their website (www.loveandlogic.com), and hopefully it will help.

    Also be aware you do not have to provide clothes she likes, just clothes. Thrift shop will do, an you can lock up her favorite clothes until she complies. Take her fun things, her electronics, and her other stuff. Then let her earn them back with good behavior. I would insist on no strangers in your home if you are not there as a SAFETY rule. Let her know that if your stuff disappears, she is held liable if she lets people in. This means she has to pay if they steal your stuff because you did not say they could be there. If you take any medications, keep them locked up. Also keep your purse and financial info locked up away from her.
     
  5. JenniferLee

    JenniferLee New Member

    She has no cell phone or car that has all been taken away already. I did call the cops, if they find her they will bring her home and I have no doubt in my mind that she will run again. I did try to press charges against the 19 year old, but there isn't a big enough age gap and the fact that she let him in the house. She has a rod in her arm for the birth control.
     
  6. JenniferLee

    JenniferLee New Member

    She has a rod in her arm already for the birth control. I keep calling the police and have taken everything away from her. I have only allowed her to be home alone for a few hours while she is sleeping and I run to the store. She stays with her older sister after school until I get off work.
     
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I think you're doing all you can for right now. You will have other options when she turns eighteen.

    I'm surprised the police wouldn't arrest the young man. In our state, if you are 18 and have sex with a 16 year old, even if she let the young man in, it is seen as a crime.

    Good thinking on the birth control!!!
     
  8. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    Welcome JenniferLee :) Has she ever been tested for any disorders like ODD, Conduct Disorder, Drugs, etc? Any other issues she had growing up?
     
  9. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Can you tell us more about her background? is she adopted? what were her first few years like? are there any challenges in her family tree, such as mental health issues?
     
  10. JenniferLee

    JenniferLee New Member

    She has never been tested for any kind of disorder. He bio dad is an alcoholic and hasn't had much to do with her for many years now. She had a step dad that she loved very much but, I divorced him because of verbal abuse he was giving to my other daughters. I then had a boyfriend that had a double lung transplant and did not survive, she was close to him also. I now am in a very stable relationship with another person who loves her very much but she won't give him the time of day. I understand that this sounds terrible and that these are part of her problems. Even when she was young she never could keep a friend and always looked for attention from someone. Everything that happens to her ends up in some kind of crisis mode. Now that she's gotten older its that she wants to fight someone or threatens to fight them. (even the ones that a week ago were her best friend) She has cut her self in the past. I've taken her to the ER for saying she wanted to kill herself, and a physcologist came to talk to her but, said that because she didn't have a "plan" she was okay to go home and was released back to me. When she ran away last time she told me she was using drugs and getting "high" everyday. I had a hair folicle test done on her and it came back clean.
     
  11. JenniferLee

    JenniferLee New Member

     
  12. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    I would definitely have in her constant therapy, if she doesnt want to go, have them come to your house. ( if you have a program there like that that is willing to travel a bit depending how far you are from them) Im happy for you and her shes clean, but never drop your guard on that, if she threatened it, she may become interested. It just depends whats going on inside her mind. Something is bothering her for sure, just getting her to talk is going to be a big deal. Testing is a good idea too, it can rule out any other issues. Hugs
     
  13. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    When did her behavior start to change? What were the first signs?
     
  14. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    She could have some attachment problems. Every time she gets attached to a father figure, he leaves. That can sometimes incite this sort of protective and self-destructive behavior.

    Cutting is serious and always indicates a problem. Often, although not always, it is because of sexual abuse. My oldest daughter used to cut. She was sexually abused. We didn't know about it until she was fourteen and it happened when she was eight, but her perpetrator told us that nobody would believe her if she told and that he'd come back and kill her and the rest of us. It happened while she was at a friend's house and this man was a visitor there. She was raped. So you never know. I hope it's not that.

    Hugs and just keep doing what you are doing. She is old enough to chose to or not to get help, but too young to let go, if that is your plan (we all react differently). You may want to read some stories on "Substance Abuse." That is probably her biggest issue right now. There are underlying issues that cause the drug use, but until the drug use stops, it's really impossible to address the other things.
     
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