Bad night (and last few days)

[bigbear11]

I feel like such a horrible parent and person right now. TRex has had about 6 full blown rages (lasting hour or so) since we got back on July 4th. I haven't handled them well nor has my husband. She had 2 today. I did everything wrong... I engaged, yelled back, spanked and cried. All of which I know is the opposite of what I should do. I don't know what happened. I am so ashamed and feeling like a failure as a person.

She was great on our trip to Ohio even though it was stressful (family stuff). So I know that she worked hard to keep it together...we were so proud. I know also that she is upset about our going on another trip without her next week (she is staying w grandparents). But my husband and I need the time together alone. With the trip and then the one coming up we were expecting some issues but it has been bad and is just so hard to deal with all the time. But I love her so much. I just get so disgusted with myself.

 

[TerryJ2]

Time for a babysitter!
One time my son yelled, "Mommy, you're in Time Out!" and I said, "Okay!"
I ran up to the bedroom and he chased me down, yelling, "You can't do that!"
Well, we can try, anyway.
I know this week will be better for both of you.

 

[InsaneCdn]

I found it helped when I got to the point that I could predict these things. Not... what the specific trigger, or that it would happen at 2 in the afternoon, but...

Some major event where difficult child could "hold it together" was ALWAYS returned with the same size of rebound... 2 days "exceptional" = 2 days "exceptionally hard to take".

And then there's the negative anticipation - YOU, who she needs so much, are "going away" without her. How does she know you will actually come back? What kind of PTSD are you triggering, given her background? My difficult child is bio-child to both husband and me... and, for 15 years, we have not been able to EVER go on a trip without the kids. Really... I think we've had two EVENINGS in 15 years. It's a long road. You're fortunate to have supportive family...

What can be done to help your difficult child deal with the post-stress and the pre-stress?

 

[TeDo]

I'm glad you are able to pick out what is causing her behavior. That will get you a long way. As for the way you've handled it lately ..... well ..... you've "fallen off the wagon" so to speak. Now it's time to regroup and get back on. You are human, like the rest of us. Humans are born to make mistakes ....... on occasion (LOL). You've recognized the mistake and now it's time to "learn" from it. A few good days caught you off guard. That's it. No biggie.

Go easy on yourself. {{{{HUGS}}}} and wishes for a great "breather".

 

[Malika]

Well, been there, done that, bigbear. I don't know if this operates for you, but I think what often happens for me is that my son will be relatively well-behaved, relatively co-operative and pleasant and it lulls me into this false sense of security (even though it shouldn't). This means that when it all falls apart again, and he loses it or behaves like a difficult, obnoxious brat, I am all the more disappointed and impatient and confused - part of my confusion is read in my stressful, unskilful reaction. Could this be partly what was going on for you?
I think in your case, I would talk about it with her... perhaps you have already done this. Explain your feelings of frustration and anger briefly and apologise. I feel this is important where we are dealing with kids who have great trouble controlling themselves - we need to show that lack of control happens, but we know it is not the best way and we are able to show that we are sorry when we mess up also. This also gets round the confusion that is created when we get angry at a chid's loss of control by losing control ourselves.
IT ISN'T EASY. It's hard but you will forgive yourself and move onto the next challenge and meet it. I hope your trip away is okay... are there things that can be done to help her prepare for the separation?

 

[Bunny]

We've been through something similar with difficult child. He spends so much energy keeping himself together at times (Mother's Day this past may comes to mind) and the next day he had to go to school and I think he was just exhausted from the effort. The thought of going to school to have to do it all over again was just too much for him and he had a screaming tantrum Monday morning that he "just couldn't go to school!" I made him go and he was fine when he got back, but getting him through is hard.

It sounds like TRex spent alot of energy being well behaved on the Ohio trip that now that she is home, and faced with the idea of you and husband going away without her, she is falling apart. It's like she's emotionally exhausted and it shows in her tantrums and rages. How does she feel about staying with her grandparents? Does she like spending time there? Can you sort of "talk up" the fun she will have there? Find out if her grandparents are planning anything special to do with her and remind her how much fun she will have there (but then you have to make sure that whatever those plans are do not get changed. That is something that would completely wreck my difficult child!).

(hugs). I think we can ALL relate to doing exactly the opposite of what we are supposed to do when they have their fits. Don't be to hard on yourself about it. You recognize what you are doing, and that is half of the battle sometimes.