Been a whirlwind!!!!!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by mog, Jan 22, 2010.

  1. mog

    mog Member

    Well things have been really crazy since I last posted and I'm sorry to all that were worried. difficult child finally was put with a TFC family on Oct 2 the father came to pick him up -we did not get to meet them earlier and never met the mother. The placement was no ideal as that they usually meet them and then take them for an hour to get to know them then do a 72 hour to make sure that they get along. In difficult child's case we were told to bring him to the office same day by 4:00 and bring 5days clothing, sleepwear and personal care products. They took and told us they would get back to us in a month. After a month we heard that the TFC wanted a respite Then we heard they quit and he was moved to new family. The entire rest of his stay we were lead to believe that things were doing great. The therapist said that we would have "family therapy and discuss any issues that might be going on. 1st time he wanted to talk about my drinking- he has everyone believing that i am a drunk and even the other three kids tell people that he is lying he still insists. She said that she would not let him discuss any issue for more that 3 sessions. The 2nd time she said that he has come to agree that it is not an issue and we just visited. We were being told that he did not want any contact with us at all but he would call for "therapy" and not have any issues and we just visited. We thought WOW he is getting it together. Then we were told that he even had a part time job and taking online courses to get caught up on his credits. Again WOW. He called for his birthday, thanksgiving, Christmas and New years and sounded happy and together. Then out of nowhere they tell us that he is being kicked out of the program. Friday we called to see if he had court and NO ONE would let us know. He had called from the Difficult Child when they brought him back to town. Finally at 1:38 the public defender calls and asks if we knew he had court at 1 and asks how long it will take to get there. We hauled down there and there were no JPO's on since the state made them take a mandatory day off without pay and this judge granted him to come home. He was excited. He came home and cleaned him room, did his laundry and told us that he really did appreciate us. We went back to court on Tuesday for the real judge to hear his plea and we were granted for him to come home on GPS. He has been home now for 7 days and the honeymoon is already starting to end. He is under house arrest which means I am under house arrest cause husband gets tired of it and leaves. He already is trying to test the waters of what he can get away with. At first I could ask him to do anything and he would.
    Unfortunately I still have not found a job. husband is trying to get SSI cause his leg still wont heal. Oldest-step daughter is dating my nephew and they had a baby Nov. 9 they live with my sister. Step son has only talked to me twice in the last year but he is not doing well. Unfortunately easy child is dating an older guy and it seems to me that he is very controlling. We hardly get to see her or talk to her-she is in college out of town but when is here she always gone. She said that if difficult child is living here when the semester is over that she is not living here that she will move in with the boyfriend which is where she is when she does come to town. I feel like I've lost her too. I feel like my support system is falling apart. my brother and his family don't come around much since husband is always over there. I want difficult child to be successful and be here at home but I refuse to go back to living in fear again. The judge told him that if he makes one threat or makes anyone feel unsafe that he will go to D/C. Before he got his GPS I took him to the movies, mall, buying all kind of things that I didn't get to for the last several months and I told him that he is the only one at home now and it could be alot different if he would just follow the rules. He says one thing one day and the next is different. I have spent a lot of time alone and doesn't make me feel good that I cant find a job either. I feel that husband is upset. I was so hopeful when he came home but now:anxious:
     
  2. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    It does sound like a whirlwind. I'm so sorry. It must be so hard.

    I wish I had some words of wisdom, but with these kids it feels like you're shooting from the hip most days. He sounds a lot like my difficult child 2 and you just never know what to think or believe.

    (((hugs)))
     
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    in my opinion it's time to stop taking care of all your dysfunctional kids and take care of yourself. You can't change them, but you don't have to be hurt by them or have no life of your own because of them. Are you in therapy?

    I feel bad that you seem to be so sad and isolated. It doesn't have to be that way. They are making their own bad choices. At their ages, it is no longer your problem and you have a right to a great rest-of-your-life. It's too bad hub runs away, but you can STILL make your own support system...they don't have to be family. You ever look up a Codependents Anonymous meeting? I gained a huge support system and many friends in such a group of wonderful people...family isn't always what we'd like them to be.
     
  4. ML

    ML Guest

    Agree with MWM. Please take care of yourself and look into the program she mentioned. I wish we could do or say more to help but just know that we all care. ML
     
  5. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Mog - sorry things are getting stressful for you again. We all want our difficult children to succeed and live safe, productive lives. Unfortunately, as our kids get older, what we want has little to do with- the choices they make sometimes. If we were powerful enough to convince them to comply with treatment, get a good education, and make good choices, we wouldn't need this board. ;)

    I agree with MWM that probably the most important thing you can do right now is take care of yourself. I am very glad that you are so resolute about not living in fear again. We all have the right to feel safe in our own homes. Hopefully your difficult child understands that and understands that if he crosses the line, there will be consequences for him.

    How long does the house arrest last? Is he in school?

    Hang in there, Mog. You sound much stronger than your last posts. :)
     
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I agree with the others, find a support system outside of your family even if it is a therapist for yourself.

    About your difficult child being on house arrest. I was there at one point too. When you say he has gps, I assume that means the ankle bracelet that is attached to a phone line or something similar. That is the way my son's was hooked up. If that is how your son's is done, well at your son's age you are not required to be tied to him at the house. He is well old enough to be left alone for several hours at a time. If he chooses to break his house arrest terms, it is on him. Really, nothing you can do about it. Detach and live your life.

    When my son was on house arrest I didnt let his being cooped up here mean I had to be cooped up at home.
     
  7. mog

    mog Member

    The gps he has is not linked to the phone this time it is satellite that keeps track of where he is. He only has permission to be a school or church and no where else. I have to be with him at church and they monitor him at school. No I am not in therapy we have no insurance and overwhelmed with medical debt from my husband issue. I spent a lot of the day crying. difficult child is trying to apologize to people that he hurt but they are rejecting his apology and make the situation here at home worse. He cried and yelled at me for something that husband did and of course husband just gets up and leaves. I took responsibility for difficult child to come home but I would like a minute to myself too. Because of the terms of his relief he can't go anywhere or nave anyone over. him 24 -7 has been really hard and makes me think that husband really doesn't care about either of us. He has asked me if I would let his kids come back and I said yes so why is he such a jerk to both of mine.
     
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