whatamess
New Member
My difficult child is 11. He is diagnosed with autism, adhd and anxiety. He seems very ODD as well. Since he was three we have been implementing reward/punishment plans beginning with ABA therapy. It has never worked for him or if it does-only temporarily. We were basically convinced that the more 'consistent' we were with the reward/punishments the more our child would be helped. The more he resisted, the reward/punishments increased. Totally backfired in therapy, in school, in home. And yet we persisted. We took him out of ABA at age 5 when the punishments kept coming and his behavior worsened. We took him out of school at age 8 when he spent increasing amounts of time restrained or in seclusion. At home we still maintained reward systems and continued to use punishments like time out, loss of privelege, items taken away, etc, etc.
This last fall I read Alfie Kohn's book 'Punished by Rewards' and knew this was similar to my belief system (my gut instinct was overridden by professionals opinions of how to deal with my child all these years). We banished reward charts, allowance for chores and other extrinsic incentives. When we tried having difficult child re-enter school this spring 1/2 the staff were flabbergasted when I insisted he not be given rewards based on performance, nor punishments for behaviors I consider a part of his diagnosis. They continually said 'but how will we motivate him'. I told them all the things he enjoys, but it is very difficult to build a relationship and have motivation stem from trying to please others, than to just offer a piece of candy or computer time for the tasks they wanted him to complete, but held no interest for him. The teacher was very behavior mod. oriented and in 4 short weeks the same disasterous results from previous years emerged.
Anyway, it has been a difficult year retraining ourselves to not immediately revert back to reward/punishment tactics, especially since he can be so defiant and self-centered. We have also stepped back (after reading The Explosive Child) and realized for the first time that a lot of my difficult child's behaviors are not totally ODD, but really born out of his various diagnoses.
I would like your opinion on some of difficult child's behaviors and tell me if you think they are related to his diagnoses, if he should have consequences, if we should alter his environment somehow, and/or ignore the behaviors:
wasting soap and shampoo by mixing them and squishing his toys in the soap when he plays in the tub
using rolls and rolls of toilet paper to fill the toilet bowl or bring to his room to shred
when difficult child's little brother wants to watch preschool shows, difficult child freaks out and rants and raves for sometimes hours
when difficult child's little brother wants to watch difficult child play video games, difficult child freaks out and yells at him to 'get out'
interrupts adult conversations with incessant noise-making
pokes people
yells in people's ears
wakes up sibs in an annoying way (jumping on top of them, using loud noises to wake them)
steals sibs phone, ipod, other toys
refuses initially to do any job/chore suggested, sometimes will tantrum for extended periods to avoid even the simplest of tasks
bothers our pets (blows on the fur of the cat/hamster to see it move, rattles hamster cage or taps on glass to see the sudden movement the hamster makes, is rough with the cat to make it stay with him)
will flip a game board if he loses
can't stop eating
rants about any number of things for extended periods, truly can't be ignored because he will YELL about it
This last fall I read Alfie Kohn's book 'Punished by Rewards' and knew this was similar to my belief system (my gut instinct was overridden by professionals opinions of how to deal with my child all these years). We banished reward charts, allowance for chores and other extrinsic incentives. When we tried having difficult child re-enter school this spring 1/2 the staff were flabbergasted when I insisted he not be given rewards based on performance, nor punishments for behaviors I consider a part of his diagnosis. They continually said 'but how will we motivate him'. I told them all the things he enjoys, but it is very difficult to build a relationship and have motivation stem from trying to please others, than to just offer a piece of candy or computer time for the tasks they wanted him to complete, but held no interest for him. The teacher was very behavior mod. oriented and in 4 short weeks the same disasterous results from previous years emerged.
Anyway, it has been a difficult year retraining ourselves to not immediately revert back to reward/punishment tactics, especially since he can be so defiant and self-centered. We have also stepped back (after reading The Explosive Child) and realized for the first time that a lot of my difficult child's behaviors are not totally ODD, but really born out of his various diagnoses.
I would like your opinion on some of difficult child's behaviors and tell me if you think they are related to his diagnoses, if he should have consequences, if we should alter his environment somehow, and/or ignore the behaviors:
wasting soap and shampoo by mixing them and squishing his toys in the soap when he plays in the tub
using rolls and rolls of toilet paper to fill the toilet bowl or bring to his room to shred
when difficult child's little brother wants to watch preschool shows, difficult child freaks out and rants and raves for sometimes hours
when difficult child's little brother wants to watch difficult child play video games, difficult child freaks out and yells at him to 'get out'
interrupts adult conversations with incessant noise-making
pokes people
yells in people's ears
wakes up sibs in an annoying way (jumping on top of them, using loud noises to wake them)
steals sibs phone, ipod, other toys
refuses initially to do any job/chore suggested, sometimes will tantrum for extended periods to avoid even the simplest of tasks
bothers our pets (blows on the fur of the cat/hamster to see it move, rattles hamster cage or taps on glass to see the sudden movement the hamster makes, is rough with the cat to make it stay with him)
will flip a game board if he loses
can't stop eating
rants about any number of things for extended periods, truly can't be ignored because he will YELL about it