lovemysons
Well-Known Member
Thinking of you, Star...and Your Dude.
Hoping dude can do community service to work off fees.
Hugs,
Tammy
Hoping dude can do community service to work off fees.
Hugs,
Tammy
Board Bead Rattling Please
- Thread starter Star*
- Start date
Star*
call 911........call 911
When he came out in the t-shirt and jeans - I have to explain the rest of the story -
When he went to jail? The tow truck driver told the foster dad that what Dude did was madatory prison time. So the foster family went through his room - threw away all his stuff, and when I asked about a truck that he had I was told that the $10 dollars that was borrowed was owed and they held the title and since the money was not paid - they were keeping the truck. As far as his personal toiletries? Trashed. All personal cards, letters, notes? Trashed. Any personal items? Trashed. Clothes that were clean were thrown in a pile - and other dirty stuff? Trashed. This all transpired in less than - a three hour period. He was arrested at six in the evening - he was released from the hospital at midnight. He went to jail at one in the morning - he was in bond court at eight oclock - and was back at the foster home by noon. When he walked in his room - he flipped. All his stuff was gone - AND somehow - they had found the time in between - one oclock in the morning and eight oclock in the morning to make it to the dump. (bull)
There were a few items that were sentimental - pictures etc - gone. There were a few things that belonged to friends...he was told they were gone and they mysteriously reappeared. So he has very few clothes left.
When I asked him about the suit - it was at my house. When he came out in the T-shirt.....I asked him to go put on a Polo shirt - but that's about all he had, I had forgotten he was working with a limited wardrobe. I wasn't happy - but it was just one of those put it in a bubble and let it go things.
Toto - thanks for the compliment - you're a super Mom too. I don't know how you do what you do AND shop for doughnuts and save spiders and snakes. You're precious!
When he went to jail? The tow truck driver told the foster dad that what Dude did was madatory prison time. So the foster family went through his room - threw away all his stuff, and when I asked about a truck that he had I was told that the $10 dollars that was borrowed was owed and they held the title and since the money was not paid - they were keeping the truck. As far as his personal toiletries? Trashed. All personal cards, letters, notes? Trashed. Any personal items? Trashed. Clothes that were clean were thrown in a pile - and other dirty stuff? Trashed. This all transpired in less than - a three hour period. He was arrested at six in the evening - he was released from the hospital at midnight. He went to jail at one in the morning - he was in bond court at eight oclock - and was back at the foster home by noon. When he walked in his room - he flipped. All his stuff was gone - AND somehow - they had found the time in between - one oclock in the morning and eight oclock in the morning to make it to the dump. (bull)
There were a few items that were sentimental - pictures etc - gone. There were a few things that belonged to friends...he was told they were gone and they mysteriously reappeared. So he has very few clothes left.
When I asked him about the suit - it was at my house. When he came out in the T-shirt.....I asked him to go put on a Polo shirt - but that's about all he had, I had forgotten he was working with a limited wardrobe. I wasn't happy - but it was just one of those put it in a bubble and let it go things.
Toto - thanks for the compliment - you're a super Mom too. I don't know how you do what you do AND shop for doughnuts and save spiders and snakes. You're precious!
gcvmom
Here we go again!
I can't believe he is with those alien people! WHO ARE THEY? How can they be called a foster family? What planetary authority had the idea to send him there? That's just nuts. At least when you GO to jail they HOLD your personal effects until you are RELEASED. They don't automatically trash everything you own!
Abbey
Spork Queen
(SOAP BOX TIME...GET READY TO RUMBLE!!!)
(INSERT APPROPRIATE SPORT MUSIC : read at your own risk of rambling)
You know, there is that old saying...pull yourself up by your bootstraps. In fact, I know I am guilty of using that with J. When in reality, they are not boots...sandals at best.
J has been in this situation more times than I can remember. He takes a few good steps ahead, then is knocked down by the 'system' (and his smart mouth). You don't let someone out of prison with $100, have mandatory meetings with a PO, no job, no transportation and huge fines to pay. If they can't do that, they go underground and you don't hear from them for months/years on end. It's a complete setup for failure.
On the parent end of things, you can only do so much for such a stubborn headed person. We've done the clothes thing too many times. It's like...dude...(not your dude)...I can only rescue you so many times. I can only buy you clothes and toiletries and such so many times. At a certain point you have to sit back and watch them choose their own fate, yet still loving them. I don't know whose battle is harder to watch - theirs or ours.
The key is getting a good advocate within the system. They can pull the strings, if necessary, to get them on the right track. They may not be able to change their behavior, but they can put opportunites that most of us don't know of. The ultimate key is if the child/adult chooses to accept them. If not...well, you're screwed and most likely the kid. Then you watch it unfold yet again. This is where detachment comes in. It's a darn HUGE horse pill to swallow, but it's also self-preservation.
I haven't heard from J since January. My best guess is he's back in prison and is too embarrassed to let me know. He should be embarrassed. There is a reason why people feel that way...it makes you look in the mirror and hopefully rethink.
Back to the original thought (did I mention I'm random?)- lets say they look in the mirror and really want to make things right. THIS IS NOT HOW THEY MAKE THEM RIGHT!!! Give them fees they can't pay...can't get a job... no transportation, blah, blah, blah. I can see a person at that crossing point in their life where they say...I screwed up. I know it. I want to lead the straight and narrow life, yet what they are offered just shoots them back into the same lifestyle. Family and friends have long distanced themselves...it's a recipe for disaster.
I actually had a conversation with one of the authors of a highly recommended book on this site last night. I hadn't heard from him in years. For me, what it boils down to is everyone has their own tolerance level, whether you be the child or the parent. You can go to X-number of 'professionals' and get their opinion, but what works for one doesn't work for another. Quite honestly, I find those of us in the trenches are a much better resource and less expensive than paying someone else.
You live it. They research it.My soapbox is pretty high now, so I should get off.
Hugs to my donkey buddie, and chin up to Dude. You can do it. You just have to want it, Dude. Ask what you need if you really want to make a change. You will have 1000's of people willing to help you. Heck. I'd go down to Goodwill right now and get you a suit. I'd send you my $3. Sorry...I started with $9. I'm downsizing.
Love you, dear.
Abbey
Star*
call 911........call 911
Abbs -
I have never been able to afford new clothes for Dude- ever. It has always and forever been the nicest stuff I could get at the second hand places and he has never, not once cried about it. What frosted my honey buns was when he told me that the live-in boyfriend of the daughter of the foster family who was not living there when the home inspection was taken for him to be a foster child - and who now has his own 17 year old son living there - sleeping on the couch - has constantly made fun of Dude's clothes - filled his shoes with sand - told him it didn't matter if his clothes got thrown out that it's not like I buy his stuff at the mall - and the man is 38 years old. ( he's ill I know) this is a man who bought a bass boat for over $10k and has NO car or license. SEE?
I'm not worried about his clothes - neither is he. He's had so little for so long - it's not a problem - not the point - Point is - they were HIS things...and if ANYONE should have gone "through" his stuff - don't you think I should have been invited to at least identify some stuff?
I mean - they literally wasted NO time - the minute that Dude was taken to the hospital the entire family - daughter, her boyfriend, foster Mom - and even some of the day care kids I'm told were ALL in his room (crazy neighbor lady saw it all) and had trash bags and were tossing it all out saying stuff like "GOOD BYE DUDE" and other ugly things. This tells me they really don't want him there.
Last night - he wanted to come to the house - he asked if he could get a ride - he's been sick - I asked them to please take him to the doctor - to please call and make the appointment. They said they would/did. Dude waited in the living room - and the foster dad yelled at him and said that he wasn't bringing him to our house - and that it was HIS fault for being sick that now he wasn't able to go to church...to go to his room and stay there. So Dude said "Can I go to church with you?" and the man said "NO...go to your room." and Dude said "But the police told me to go to church and meet people." the foster dad said "I don't care, but you are NOT going and I'm no taking you to your Moms and you are not making me sick GO TO YOUR ROOM." so Dude said "I bet the cop will be happy to know that you don't want to take me to church - you want to go? Fine - I'll go next door. Go on - go." and he left and spent the night at the neighbors.
I asked them if they had gotten his medicaid card? Nope - it was sent to their sons house- well their son lives right next door - okay - can you look in his mail box? Nope. He hasn't been home for 2 days. Um......you get his mail any OTHER time.....well no - they're made at him...
See this is the junk that just makes you want to pull your hair out - and Dude has called his caseworker 3 times and said PLEASE help me - I'm doing the best I can - I have no license - I have no money - I need help - and they tell him - "ASK YOUR FOSTER PARENT - they are getting paid to help you." - square one.
I wish someone would have given me the money they get to help him.
I have never been able to afford new clothes for Dude- ever. It has always and forever been the nicest stuff I could get at the second hand places and he has never, not once cried about it. What frosted my honey buns was when he told me that the live-in boyfriend of the daughter of the foster family who was not living there when the home inspection was taken for him to be a foster child - and who now has his own 17 year old son living there - sleeping on the couch - has constantly made fun of Dude's clothes - filled his shoes with sand - told him it didn't matter if his clothes got thrown out that it's not like I buy his stuff at the mall - and the man is 38 years old. ( he's ill I know) this is a man who bought a bass boat for over $10k and has NO car or license. SEE?
I'm not worried about his clothes - neither is he. He's had so little for so long - it's not a problem - not the point - Point is - they were HIS things...and if ANYONE should have gone "through" his stuff - don't you think I should have been invited to at least identify some stuff?
I mean - they literally wasted NO time - the minute that Dude was taken to the hospital the entire family - daughter, her boyfriend, foster Mom - and even some of the day care kids I'm told were ALL in his room (crazy neighbor lady saw it all) and had trash bags and were tossing it all out saying stuff like "GOOD BYE DUDE" and other ugly things. This tells me they really don't want him there.
Last night - he wanted to come to the house - he asked if he could get a ride - he's been sick - I asked them to please take him to the doctor - to please call and make the appointment. They said they would/did. Dude waited in the living room - and the foster dad yelled at him and said that he wasn't bringing him to our house - and that it was HIS fault for being sick that now he wasn't able to go to church...to go to his room and stay there. So Dude said "Can I go to church with you?" and the man said "NO...go to your room." and Dude said "But the police told me to go to church and meet people." the foster dad said "I don't care, but you are NOT going and I'm no taking you to your Moms and you are not making me sick GO TO YOUR ROOM." so Dude said "I bet the cop will be happy to know that you don't want to take me to church - you want to go? Fine - I'll go next door. Go on - go." and he left and spent the night at the neighbors.
I asked them if they had gotten his medicaid card? Nope - it was sent to their sons house- well their son lives right next door - okay - can you look in his mail box? Nope. He hasn't been home for 2 days. Um......you get his mail any OTHER time.....well no - they're made at him...
See this is the junk that just makes you want to pull your hair out - and Dude has called his caseworker 3 times and said PLEASE help me - I'm doing the best I can - I have no license - I have no money - I need help - and they tell him - "ASK YOUR FOSTER PARENT - they are getting paid to help you." - square one.
I wish someone would have given me the money they get to help him.
AnnieO
Shooting from the Hip
We need to get together for sure. The system isn't working for our kids at all!
I am sending him and you both lots of hugs. 'Cause helpless is how you feel, even if you're not.
Tell him to take it above the caseworker. I think it's gone far enough. I don't know if it will help but he can try, right?
I am sending him and you both lots of hugs. 'Cause helpless is how you feel, even if you're not.
Tell him to take it above the caseworker. I think it's gone far enough. I don't know if it will help but he can try, right?
DammitJanet
Well-Known Member
This just stinks. I wish so badly Dude could get out of there.
Star*
call 911........call 911
I'm going to hit the lottery - and when I was asked WHAT I would do with the money - I used to say -
I'd tithe to the church 1st.....if they would take filthy money - lol
Then I would have all my teeth fixed for that photo op.....
Then I used to say that I would take care of our families and do the college fund thing, travel - etc....and keep working/volunteer and set up trust funds for kids with no clothes, shoes and stuff like that....
NOW I think I would make sure that kids like ours were taken care of by a squad of Moms like us on an advisory board overseen by parents like us - who monitored the most intense Residential Treatment Center (RTC) /bootcamp/testing /mental health/family therapy/ site - and make sure that things that happened to my kid NEVER happened like they do.
And with what's left over I would invent guiltless chocolate that you could eat until it came out of your ears....
I'd tithe to the church 1st.....if they would take filthy money - lol
Then I would have all my teeth fixed for that photo op.....
Then I used to say that I would take care of our families and do the college fund thing, travel - etc....and keep working/volunteer and set up trust funds for kids with no clothes, shoes and stuff like that....
NOW I think I would make sure that kids like ours were taken care of by a squad of Moms like us on an advisory board overseen by parents like us - who monitored the most intense Residential Treatment Center (RTC) /bootcamp/testing /mental health/family therapy/ site - and make sure that things that happened to my kid NEVER happened like they do.
And with what's left over I would invent guiltless chocolate that you could eat until it came out of your ears....
Momslittleangels
New Member
Star - - - forgive me for asking, as I am not always on the board, and don't know the entire story, but why does Dude stay with the Fosters if he is 18? Can he leave on his own, or does he need to wait until the system moves him, for purposes of funding to help him out?
Star*
call 911........call 911
It's a funding thing....we do what the system says or it does not bode well for chances of getting disability - sad, just sad. The apartments are a possibility - especially now that he has NO license and will need to learn how to ride the bus for a job. They have to have disability funding.
He DID get to the doctors - He has severe bronchitis. He's got 2 prescriptions 1000 mg. a day of amoxcillin and mucinex - and he's here where it's quiet to "rehab" lol. The doctor would not give him an anti-depressant. He said that Dude altered his prescription and nearly cost him his license??? Dude said he never saw the prescription - the fosters had it and gave it to the pharmacy - pharmacist said she couldn't read it - and thought it was 30 mg...it was 20 - lol. He's going to go to a differen't doctor next week - lol. He told this doctor he couldn't take Zoloft - it makes him suicidal....and I'm not sure you can get a 30 mg. Zoloft??? Time to retire...doctor. Yes - he picked up a pen and scratched the 2 to look like a 3.
He DID get to the doctors - He has severe bronchitis. He's got 2 prescriptions 1000 mg. a day of amoxcillin and mucinex - and he's here where it's quiet to "rehab" lol. The doctor would not give him an anti-depressant. He said that Dude altered his prescription and nearly cost him his license??? Dude said he never saw the prescription - the fosters had it and gave it to the pharmacy - pharmacist said she couldn't read it - and thought it was 30 mg...it was 20 - lol. He's going to go to a differen't doctor next week - lol. He told this doctor he couldn't take Zoloft - it makes him suicidal....and I'm not sure you can get a 30 mg. Zoloft??? Time to retire...doctor. Yes - he picked up a pen and scratched the 2 to look like a 3.
MrsMcNear46
New Member
Star-
So glad it wasn't worse. I keep thinking, he's ONLY 18. Same with Sweet Betsy, still so young. Legally adults, but really, still just kids.
Hang in there.
Julie
So glad it wasn't worse. I keep thinking, he's ONLY 18. Same with Sweet Betsy, still so young. Legally adults, but really, still just kids.
Hang in there.
Julie
witzend
Well-Known Member
This stuff just makes me sick, Star. Everyone's lucky I'm about as far away as you can get from there. And I mean everyone. There's this thing that I do that I learned from the nuns. Now that I walk very slowly and have almost no facial expression whatsoever, it works really well.
Abbey
Spork Queen
You are right, Star. It really has nothing to do with the clothes, but the violation of the most basic things. That's the problem. When you're 'in the system,' albiet whatever form, you go to ground zero every time there is an offense or argument. It's not the clothes that matter...it's HAVING clothes in the end. Like Dude, they come in like storm troopers and raid everything. Sometimes it's out of pure ugliness, sometimes it's just another kid who has stumbled across their path and they're going to take all they can get.
My best advice (haha...me giving advice) is for Dude to write an honest letter to his most previous or impending judge. No attorneys, straight to the judge. It would have to be submitted by whatever the protical is for the county/state, but by law they must read it.
Dear Judge,
I need help. I've been in the system for X number of years. Yes, I have made my fair share of mistakes, (see attachment A) but I'm trying to get my life in order (see Attachment B). Yet...I'm in 'the system.' You and I both know what that means.
I have a supportive family, a will to do the right thing, but I keep hitting these road blocks that make it nearly impossible to move forward in my life. It's like waking up happy then hitting a wall of bricks 10 minutes later. It seems nothing I do really matters when it's taken away from me in an instant.
I'm young and have lots of years to learn. I know that. Give me a real opportunity. Take a risk on me. I will not disappoint you.
Ultimate Dude
......................
Now, that being said, does Dude really want a change for his life? haha...everyone wants a change. Stupid question. But, if he puts it out there and gets a response, he better step up to the plate 100%. You can only burn bridges so many times. It won't be easy and you have to swallow a lot of pride, but he can do it.
Hugs, friend.
Abbey
My best advice (haha...me giving advice) is for Dude to write an honest letter to his most previous or impending judge. No attorneys, straight to the judge. It would have to be submitted by whatever the protical is for the county/state, but by law they must read it.
Dear Judge,
I need help. I've been in the system for X number of years. Yes, I have made my fair share of mistakes, (see attachment A) but I'm trying to get my life in order (see Attachment B). Yet...I'm in 'the system.' You and I both know what that means.
I have a supportive family, a will to do the right thing, but I keep hitting these road blocks that make it nearly impossible to move forward in my life. It's like waking up happy then hitting a wall of bricks 10 minutes later. It seems nothing I do really matters when it's taken away from me in an instant.
I'm young and have lots of years to learn. I know that. Give me a real opportunity. Take a risk on me. I will not disappoint you.
Ultimate Dude
......................
Now, that being said, does Dude really want a change for his life? haha...everyone wants a change. Stupid question. But, if he puts it out there and gets a response, he better step up to the plate 100%. You can only burn bridges so many times. It won't be easy and you have to swallow a lot of pride, but he can do it.
Hugs, friend.
Abbey
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