Bruised and feeling badly.

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Jody, Feb 22, 2010.

  1. Jody

    Jody Active Member

    My 11 year old was doing so good. Yesterday she attacked me and left about 20 bruises and welts all over my chest. She had been doing good and earned some money for chores and not cursing. Sunday was the day that she was able to spend her earnings. She wanted to go to the Game place to pick out a couple of used games to get more for her money. I had a terrible migraine that I had been trying to get rid of all morning, nothing was working. I told her that in 1/2 hour I would take her, I still had the migraine but I took her anyway. When we got home, I told her you can have two hours and at 3:30 we have to have our chores for Sunday completed. 2 Chores, cleaning the puppy's crate and changing 2 kitty litters. We take it easy on Sunday. Anyway at 3:00 I gave her a reminder that 3:30 was approaching and that we would be getting those two chores done between 3:30 and 4:00 pm. 3:30 came and she began the I have a headache and I am sick to my stomach, I have diarrhea. I told her, that I hoped she felt better soon, and that after she got the chores done, maybe she should just go lay down and take a nap. She put in another game. I removed it from the Wii and she attacked me. I have always been prepared for the attack or braced for it. Yesterday however, I did not expect it and she caught me off guard. She began to throw things at me and screaming and carrying on. She ran towards me and grabbed me in my chest (ouch) and she just got a hold of me and I could not get her grip loose. We ended up wrestling on the floor and I finally got control but the damage had been done. My lip is swollen, I have a small cut near my eye and at least 20 bruises and bloody spots on my chest. After a few hours she came and put this note on my bed. "I am sorry that I beat you up". It had a few sheets of these red hearts drawn all over it.
    I reluctantly called my boyfriend. I was a little afraid of what his reaction would be, but I needed someone anyway so I called him. He came over and I was a little worried about his temper. Not for her, but for him. I didn't want him having issues with the police or anything. He is a very sweet good natured man. He has not ever hurt me or my kids. My difficult child has pushed him too far. We love each other very much and have been together for 8 years. We could not live together any more because of her issues and behaviors. My 17 year old also moved out a year ago, because of her sister's **** everyday. She stays with friends. I didn't want her to go thru it anymore. My pets are now having issues with her. I want a different life. I complain about my house not being clean, well my boyfriend walked me thru the house and my eyes were opened. The mess in the house is from her. She is totally just trashing everything and leaving stuff everywhere. I have been closing my eyes to it because she has been doing better (ha). I have been paying her for not cursing and giving her minimal chores and paying her for those too. The house is a wreck and the **** that's all around is hers and her messes. I have been keeping the peace and have been paying her for doing things that she should be doing anyway. I am sick and tired of this and really am ready for her to get out. My bosses wife just came in and took a look at me and was like wow what happened? She doesn't even see the bruises and bloody marks. I know what I want to do. I want my other daughter to come home and I want my boyfriend to be able to come back home. He has been out of the house 3 years. I am rambling, I just don't know what to do. I so want her out of the house. What I would really like for her is to act like a decent person and not cause so much drama. I don't really know what to do, I sit at work ready to break down because my 11 year old has beaten on me. How pathetic does that sound???? I am supposed to meet the Director of our Children's Hospital today to start the process of getting a support group started. I look a mess and feel like a mess. It is something we desperately need and something that I want, however today it so not the day to meet the Director feeling and looking this way. I am sorry everyone, friends are just sick of hearing about all of this and they would call the police if they saw me right now. Don't know what to do with myself today.

    Jody
     
  2. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Jody--

    This is terrible! You should not have to live in a situation where you are constantly bracing for vicious attacks from your child!

    What does the psychiatrist or therapist say? Surely, they cannot recommend that this child continue to live with you without some sort of intervention? A support group does not sound like near enough help. I would think the docs would be recommending Residential Treatment Center (RTC) placement...and if they are not--why the heck not? What do they expect you to be able to accomplish at home???

    I am so outraged on your behalf! You need help! I hope you get it.

    --Daisyface
     
  3. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    It is time to INSIST that the docs place her in a psychiatric hospital or Residential Treatment Center (RTC). If you cannot get that help, you need to contact the police and press assault and domestic violence charges against your daughter. It sounds cruel. It will FEEL cruel. It is also one way to open up some services.

    You may be able to get some help by contacting Social Services and telling them that your daughter is abusing you and needs a therapeutic foster home. If she can go into the psychiatric hospital even for a short time you can work through them to get her placed in a therapeutic foster home.

    She NEEDS this help. She CANNOT live safely in a family home. I am not sure what her diagnosis is, but she NEEDS major interventions before she can live safely with you.

    PLEASE CALL THE DOCTOR RIGHT NOW TO INSIST ON PLACING HER INTO A HOSPITAL!!

    I am worried about what she will be able to do in a year or two when she is even bigger and can overpower you. We are here for you. Quite a few of us have had to place a child in another residence (hospital, Residential Treatment Center (RTC), even living iwth relatives) because the child was violent with us. We understand. I understand. My son was very violent when he lived with us.

    Gentle hugs for your bruised and battered self.
     
  4. Jody

    Jody Active Member

    I am sitting here at work and panicking. I don't really know what I should do. I want to report it, but don't know if she has any bruises from me defending myself or not. She never said and I just didn't care. She was so lovey dovey on SAturday and we had such a good time. I am really at just a lost. Why was it so important not to do two little chores and instead hurt her mom. I just don't get it.
     
  5. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Jody--

    You are being ABUSED. Period.

    Just because she is nice to you the next day does NOT make it OK. I know--it seems ridiculous to say that you are being abused by a child...but that is what is happening. Please PLEASE seek some help.

    If the situation were reversed and you knew a child was being attacked by her mother over little things like chores and video games, you would not hesitate to make a report. If you saw a person on the street get attacked you would not hesitate to make a report. If you saw an elderly person with bruises like the ones youd escribe on your chest, you would not hesitate to report that you suspected abuse.

    You deserve the same level of protection as anyone else. Do NOT make it OK just because you are related to the attacker.

    Please please PLEASE get some help. You do not have to call the police--but you DO need to alert this child's doctors.

    --DaisyFace
     
  6. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    Jody, you do need to call her psychiatrist and report what's going on. What medications/dose is she taking? How long has she been on them? Obviously, whatever she's taking is not working and she either needs to be in day treatment or hospitalized. Neither of you can continue to live like this.

    Hugs.
     
  7. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Hi Jody! First, breathe - don't sit at your desk and panic - panic doesn't solve anything at all. In your post you asked:

    "Why was it so important not to do two little chores and instead hurt her mom. I just don't get it. "

    It's not about the chores and it's not that she's choosing between them or her mom. She probably doesn't even know what made her fly off the handle. Blind rage is exactly that: blind!

    The others are right, however. You need to at least contact the psychiatrist to let him/her know what is going on. Not for nothing, if she did get bruised while you were trying to defend yourself and someone at school saw it, you'd be reported anyway. Her psychiatrist needs to have it in his records that you were attacked. Plain and simple. Since it would be an attack of a child on an adult, they're not required to report. If you had attacked her, the psychiatrist is a required reporting agency. Better to have it documented.

    You also need to keep in mind that this type of documentation is important for future reference. If you decided to have a specialist come in and help, they'd need a full-idea as to what is going on.

    I personally believe that ODD and ADHD combined usually indicates that there's something else going on. Has she had a full neuropsychologist done? When you're talking to the director at the Children's Hospital, you may want to ask if he can direct you to who in his hospital can see your daughter quickly.

    Keep your chin up honey! We're here for you and would never get sick of being an ear or a shoulder!

    No matter what, you've found a group who has dealt with everything you're going through!

    Beth
     
  8. Jody

    Jody Active Member

    I guess I should say I am very anxious. I have taken an ativan and hope that helps shortly. I called her therapists and left a message, she hasn't called back. She has a therapists that she sees every two weeks, and she sees her psychiatrist once every two months. I didn't sleep well last night, had nightmares about anything and everything last night. Everyone hated me and was chasing me and I was doing everything wrong according to everyone. Not good. Just the events of the day attacking me in my sleep I guess. I certainly don't feel that way. She's on Abilify and Adderall Xr also, wellbuterin. She has only been on the Abilify for about a month or so. She used to have these rages, fits and temper tantrums several times a day. Not always as bad as this but sometimes it would be. They are happening less frequently with the Abilify, but when they do happen they are out of the total blue, less warning and explodes rapidly. Very unexpected. Maybe I have let my guard down now that they don't happen as often. She told me last night, when she brought me her "apology letter for beating me up" she said you shouldn't have came after me????? What???? She has a whole different story as to how things actually took place. I wrote about this earlier on another post. Lying, after doing things. Saying they went a totally different way.

    Therapists just called and said you should have called the police. She says we will continue to fill out the forms for placement in a residential treatment center. She said we definately will be talking about this on Thursday. Her regular therapy appointment. My difficult child and I went to a disability to possiblity workshop in our city. The director of our Childrens Hospital was there and told my daughter's therapist. I say difficult child and her mom on Saturday and they were getting along so well and seemed happy and then she heard about the incident that I told her therapista about. Said she definately has soome issues with not being in control and having her way. I know that already since she was 2. I am going home to take pictures of my chest and right down exactly what happened and that I reported it to her therapists. Document, Document and more Document. One day I hope it will come in handy. Thanks for the hugs.
     
  9. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    Both Adderall and Wellbutrin could be making her worse instead of better if she's not diagnosed correctly. She may not need residential if you get her into a hospital situation that can get her diagnosed properly and her medications straightened out. It honestly sounds more like a bad medication situation than anything else.
     
  10. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry you were so violently attacked. The others have given good advice. I agree she needs to be hospitalized and possibly placed out of the home. It is very scary to be living with someone so violent. My difficult child has a history of violence and I know how much you are hurting right now (both physically and emotionally). Gentle hugs.
     
  11. idohope

    idohope Member

    My heart goes out to you as someone who has been in a similar situation though the physical results were not as extreme. therapist has advised me to call 911 should the situation ever arise again. I hope that you and your difficult child can get the help that you both need. This is abuse and you can not live this way.

    Hugs
     
  12. Jody

    Jody Active Member

    Thank you everyone for your responses. When it rains it pours. I adopted a beautiful yellow lab last summer. She bit my daughter last week on the hand. She is possession aggressive. it has come on fairly recently, about 2 months or so. She pushed her food bowl near my bedroom door and when I went to leave my room she growled and barked and came very close to biting me. The shelter called me back and said that they have an opening but that they think she might have to be euthanized they will let me know shortly. They are a no kill shelter and I know them personally. They would not do it if it weren't absoluately necessary. I want them to test her outside the stress of my home before they do anything. Well just wanted to tell you thank you for your help and guidance. Life is just sucking right now. One thing I know is that it generally gets better for a while. Looking forward to that!!!! Oh yeah, my daughter now thinks that she can now whoop my butt at anytime. She told me this morning, if you you don't shut the f up you know what will happen. Sounds like she wants to escalate things now that she got the upperhand once. So not going to happen. I realize how foolish I was not to have her arrested yesterday. They would have hospitalized her because of her violence to me. I screwed up but I won't make that mistake AGAIN. Thank you everyone!!!!! Much clearer perspective of things with your help!!!

    Jody
     
  13. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Jody... Last summer Onyxx attacked me. husband convinced me not to call the cops, but she hurt me pretty badly. I was afraid of her - very afraid - for a long time. But now, I have talked to husband exhaustively about it - I am no longer afraid. If something triggers her, and she attacks me again, I will call the police. I won't live like that. I am basically a pacifist and I never learned how to fight. Especially not against a child. If some random guy grabbed me, I'd probably ram my keys into his face or something. But a little girl... I do understand, so well.

    Don't let her get away with it again. She thinks she can whoop you? Let her try - ONCE. "If you don't shut the - up"? WHAT? It is YOUR home, she MUST follow YOUR rules. If she doesn't? Let her reap the LEGAL CONSEQUENCES.

    In the meantime? LOTS OF HUGS!!!!!
     
  14. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Oh, Honey, I know EXACTLY how you are feeling. Every single thing. My difficult child did so much physical damage to me before I ever got his docs and the hospital involved. First it took finding him choking his sister - IN HER SLEEP - saying he was going to kill her. Then, after he was home from a long psychiatric hospital stay for about a year, he started beating ME. My husband still thinks I over-reacted when I called the Sheriff and had difficult child taken away. He didn't go to jail. He ended up, after 2 days at the Youth Shelter, at my parents.

    First you need to resolve to NEVER be a battered woman. The lovey next day, now the "you better or you know what will happen" are the exact pattern of an abuser. Wife beater, child abuser, elder abuser, sibling abuser, parent abuser, they ALL follow this pattern. You, the VICTIM, must resolve to first survive it, and then triumph over it.

    As a parent it is tough. people will want to minimize it, tell you it is your fault, all that bs. Women heard it for years when they were abused. We don't want parent abuse to end up in a Burning Bed situation (NOT that you are near that point!). When my son was first in the psychiatric hospital it looked like he was going to end up the kind of person who beat his wife and raped women (BOTH!). I was literally wondering if I should put him in the car and drive into a bridge support. I am NOT joking. It was the most awful time in my life. I KNOW myself. I could not live with having birthed a child who terrorized women that way. NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT. Luckily I was able to get him to show his stripes and he was able then to be helped.

    Your daughter needs INTENSE help. It will take a long time. Right now, with her behavior, esp the threat today, she is not SAFE to have in your home.

    I wonder if the dog would be better if your daughter was not in the home. It sounds like she may have done something to the dog to make him change that way.

    It is NOT too late to go to the police dept to make a report. It will start a paper trail that can lead to treatment. Reporting to her therapist is good, but the psychiatrist MUST know also. The psychiatrist may be able to order a hospital bed for her or a place in day treatment that might help.

    Please talk to the therapist about having difficult child placed in a foster home until she can be placed in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) or hospital. It really is not safe to have her at home. She could come in while you are sleeping and maim or kill you. In a rage she truly may not remember things, and her perception of events probably is exactly what she wrote to you. Save that letter as proof that she is not in touch with reality when she starts a rage. It is another sign of how much help she needs.

    Feel FREE to pm me if you need to talk to someone who has truly been there. I will PM with you, or exchange email/phone numbers if you need to talk in real life or by email.

    Hugs,

    Susie
     
  15. Jody

    Jody Active Member

    Update!! When I went home last night. My difficult child was defiant, and again she hit me with a hanger. Cursing carrying on. I was sitting on the couch and she swears upside and down that I came after her. I didn't do any such thing. She seemed really to believe this ****. I called the police showed him the twenty something bruises on my chest and he said right in front of her, those will go away. I almost lost it. I said wow that's pretty unreal, if you came in here and saw those marks on her you would be on the phone with DCFS and she would be on her way for a complete physical at the hospital. I would have been arrested, but you tell her they will go away. I am livid. I told him I wanted to press charges he refused. He said she is calm now and I am not taking her out of her home. I had a witness in the house to all of this. I said I am not going to be hit on and he acted like because she was 11 it was my fault that I let her hit on me. I am disgusted and just don't know what to do. She has already been arrested for domestic violence to me one other time. She was back to her nasty self as soon as the officer walked out the door. Her Big Sister from the Big B/Big S program witnessed her tuirn around and was quite shocked that her attitude changed just that fast. What to do with this difficult child/BRAT. I can't even write what I would like to do, I would like to run to anotehr state far, far away. BIG DREAMS.
     
  16. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    Jody, I understand that you are hurting, both emotionally and physically, but I think it is far better that you get your difficult child into TREATMENT rather than into a situation where she will get PUNISHMENT. She is clearly having distorted thinking when she believes you are going after her when the opposite is true. Please call her psychiatrist ASAP and tell him what is going on. I believe she needs a hospital situation -- either day treatment or inpatient -- now.
     
  17. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Keep calling the police. EVERY time she gets nasty with you. One bad experience - even more than one - isn't the whole picture. Some cops just do NOT get it. Hold out for one that does.

    Many youth behavioral centers do not require a referral. If you call them and tell them what's up, and you need HELP and ASAP, they will try. It may depend on insurance, but let me tell you - they do care. They will try.

    Please always try to have someone else there with you. Even your 17-y/o can call 911 if they need to.

    If you call police, tell them you have a violent and unruly child. It is best if she does not know you are calling. If she does, she will calm and they will see nothing wrong.

    In most states it is DOMESTIC VIOLENCE if a child hurts a parent; however at age 11, many officers will excuse them. We started having these problems with Onyxx at 11. She has not hurt anyone recently (!) - I think she realized she has crossed the line... But I'm not sure.

    Throwing a fit to get your way, and hurting someone because you didn't get your way, are two totally different things.

    If there is a next time - and there probably will be, I am sorry to say - get yourself to a hospital as soon as possible. Spend the time waiting so that you can be checked out. Explain what happened. DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT.

    Can you set up a webcam? Any kind of video camera? Again, documentation...

    I am sorry you are having to go through this. I'm sending as many hugs as I can to you...

    PS - Smallworld is RIGHT, she does need treatment ASAP!
     
    Last edited: Feb 24, 2010
  18. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    My personal opinion is that at this stage of the game the only reason you call police is for transport to the ER for an evaluation. I would not worry about pressing charges because that will land your difficult child in juvenile detention where she will not get treatment. Please call her psychiatrist ASAP. Or if she gets aggressive again, call 911 for transport to the ER. Some communities have a mobile crisis unit that can assist. Call your local NAMI chapter and inquire (www.nami.org; click on state/local to find your local affiliate office).
     
  19. Dazed n Confused

    Dazed n Confused New Member

    I am far from an expert on this and I am having problems with my own child. But being married to an officer, I can offer you this advice.

    First - if you feel comfortable, call the non-emergency line and ask for the Sgt. on duty. Explain to him that you need to make it aware that your are trying to get help for your "MENTALLY ILL CHILD". You are not calling to complain about the officer but you need them to understand this isn't just a child being mean, there is something mentally wrong. Ask that if the officer wrote an "Informational report about the incident", if he didn't you would like one done. If you have to tell them that this is what your counselor stated to do. Then tell him that you will need a copy of the report to keep for your records and medical records. You will probably have to go to the Sheriff/Police recordds dept. to pick it up. They may charge you a small fee. Here its like 15 cents a page. Even thought my husband is in LE, we still have to pay.

    Second - The next time that she is doing this call 911 and tell them that you have a mentall ill child that is out of control and you need officer assistant to transport to the hospital. Stay on the line with them until the officer arrives, so that they have her screaming, cusing, etc. in the back ground of the 911 call. Also in your call state to the 911 dispatcher that you would like the officer to document the situation for medical records.

    Third - When the officer gets there ask him/her politely if they understand that this is not a DV situation it is a child who has a mental condition and needs to be evaluated. If they "don't get it" or seem to blow you off, ask if there is another officer that come assist or their Sgt. that come to you house. Most cops are bitter and think that kids that act out or not worth their time of day, unless they can arrest them for something.

    Was the guy younger that came to your house....usually those are the ones that don't get it. Sometimes it can be the older ones that are just buying their time to retirement and don't want to write the paper. I don't want to make cops sound bad, especially since I am married to one. There is always a few rotten eggs in the bunch.

    Our situation has opened my husbands eyes and his co-workers eyes to a whole new world. My husband is now more proactive for the parents and will push for the child to be evaluated. He really understands that the parents and siblings suffer during these "outbursts", he also understands that the child doesn't know why they are doing what they are doing. There were times I wanted him to take our son when he was on duty, unfortunately it can't work that way, not only that but we live in a different county and the county we live in blows for mental help.

    He has one other coworker that has a son that is Bipolar, but he tried to burn the house down and hurt his brother. His child lives in a mental facility full-time. Until someone on the department has lived it or has a relative with a mental problem, most cops just don't get it. There are exceptions to every department. My husband and I talked about how he never gets the phone call of someone calling the cops to tell them they just won the lottery or they had a baby. They are the ones that deal with the worst of the worst, but they also chose that as a career and need to have an open mind.

    Ok.........off my soap box regarding cops. I hope something I said here helps you. Another thing is, if you can video tape and episode or if you have a cell phone that records, trying getting it on video.
     
  20. Jody

    Jody Active Member

    Well we went to the therapist yesterday. Wow. I don't think there is going to be any change until my difficult child starts being accountable. The way she acts as though she sees things is a total fabrication of what is truly taking place. It was very easy for the therapist to see that no matter what I say or do, she will do just the opposite. I was sitting at the doctors office and had a gray shirt on. I don't know what happened but two of the places where she bruised my on my chest began bleeding thru the shirt. I think the blood vessel was so close to the skin and i think it just blew. The therapist said your bleeding. I though maybe a bloody nose. It was from my daughter when she hit me. The therapist was quite ticked off. She told difficult child that she better never see me in that shape again. She's appalled, and My difficult child, said she shouldn't have come after me, that's what she gets. I never went after her!!!!! The truth all came out as she was asked about it and began to tell the stories. Her therapist started writing them down and then when she would lie she would say well you said it. SHe was caught and very frustrated. Needless to say the therapist came me several large applications for Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and said fill them out and get them in immediately. You can't continue to live like this. I will have them in the mail again today. Unfortunately the waiting list is so long.

    Jody
     
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