Can I Get Some Opinions on this Please?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by DaisyFace, Dec 8, 2011.

  1. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    I realize that some of this confusion on my part is the fact that dealing with the world of "therapists" is already stepping into an alternate reality...
    but here goes:


    difficult child's issues cause her to fly into angry rages. She does not take her medications as prescribed, nor does she care to follow therapists' recommendations.

    difficult child wants to get her Driver's License. husband and I say that until she gets herself under control - we are not about to hand her the keys to a deadly weapon.

    difficult child has not made sufficient progress to getting herself under control - therefore she does not drive.

    Behavior Therapist thinks we should reconsider.




    difficult child wants her own money to be able to buy and do things that Mom and Dad do not provide.

    Since difficult child does not drive, she needs to get a job within walking or biking distance...and as luck would have it - there are about a dozen places she could go apply. BUT - difficult child does not want to work in a fast-food restaurant...and when the grocery store was hiring, she couldn't be bothered to put in an application...now those positions have been filled.

    husband and I say if difficult child is not motivated enough to get an application in...and is "too good" for fast-food...then she does not have her own money....too bad.

    Behavior Therapist thinks we should arrange to drive difficult child across town so she can get a job at the same place some of her friends work. Behavior Therapist feels that by confining difficult child to jobs within walking distance, we are putting up too many barriers for her.




    difficult child does not like to do school work...and is failing a couple of classes right now...

    BUT - difficult child would like Mom and Dad to send her to college.

    husband and I told her that if she cannot be bothered doing school work now...we are not about to support her while she spends time NOT doing school work in college. If difficult child is determined to work hard and get an education...she is going to have to work and put herself through school part-time.

    Behavior Therapist thinks we need to reconsider. Behavior Therapist is confident that difficult child can find a college scholarship that will pay for her education...and we will not have to "support her" if she lives on-campus.




    husband and I think we have set up some pretty reasonable expectations - and difficult child is facing the natural consequences of not making good choices.

    But the Therapist is telling us that we are being completely unreasonable and putting too much burden on a 16-year-old.



    What do you think?
     
  2. Chaosuncontained

    Chaosuncontained New Member

    Fire the therapist. That's what I think...
     
  3. Ma Kettle

    Ma Kettle New Member

    Ditto what Chaos says...

    Sounds like the Behavior Therapist is trying to change your behavior, not difficult child's. But since I am so new to this, I guess I could be wrong. All your points sound fair to me.

    Wishing you good luck!

    Ma Kettle
     
  4. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    BT should consider which of her loved ones she would like to be on the road when difficult child is driving.

    If BT feels so strongly about this, BT is welcome to provide transportation. The only "barriers" that have been put up have been done so by difficult child.


    Problem already solved since BT is so confident that difficult child will get a scholarship. You're already out of this equation per BT.



    It's a burden to "do to get"? A burden to start showing signs of being a responsible human being, with an iota of self-control and investment in her own life? A burden to get a job where she could show up without inconveniencing others? A burden to be expected to do school work now so college might even be a possibility in the future?

    Nope - the burden is being an 18-year-old with no job, no experience, no education. It is *not* your responsibility to fuel her fantasies today. It's your job to prepare her for the realities of life in 2 years. It's BT's job to help difficult child join us in reality. It's *difficult child's* job to put the work in now so she doesn't have to be slinging burgers (should she be fortunate enough to even get a job) in 2 years just to keep a roof over her head.
     
  5. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    I think the BT is on LSD.

    Reconsider - deadly weapon in the hands of an out-of-control person? HAHAHAHAHA can we say vehicular manslaughter in the first week? I'm sorry, BT is bonkers.

    My first job was 2.5 miles from my parents' home. If one of my friends could not give me a ride, or my parents couldn't, I walked. It was the closest possibility given the town we lived in (sprawling). I was NEVER late for work. I did extra chores at home to compensate for gas money for my parents. I worked about 25 hours a week.

    If difficult child can find a scholarship, fine. Hopefully one that also pays for books and living expenses. I don't think that's going to happen. BT can help her try, though. Mom and Dad have supported her enough. Now, if she actually shows some continued effort - say from now till she graduates - maybe Mom and Dad could give her $50 a month for extras?

    If she was 12, the burden might be a little heavy. But 16? Hello, if she wants to do whatever she wants (freedom), then she has to do what she needs to, to have that freedom (responsibility).

    Fire the BT. I agree with Chaos.
     
  6. jal

    jal Member

    I second that.

    How old is this therapist?

    I have not walked in your shoes as my difficult child is only 9, but I think your expectations are absolutely reasonable.

    Find a scholarship for what? Not have to support her if on campus? I'd love to know what scholarship out there pays for tuition, room, board, books, food, phone, tv service...a free ride for not wanting to work or do school work.
     
  7. confuzzled

    confuzzled Member

    holy cow. is the BT a difficult child too?

    ask the BT if she thinks difficult child deserves a unicorn and a rainbow for christmas too...

    and then fire her before you get the answer.
     
  8. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    Guess I'm gonna have to "reconsider" too because the RULE in our house is "If you don't do what you're suppposed to do, you don't get to do what you want to do," My kids hate it but they deal with it because that is the way it is. They're already counting down until they are old enough to get a job so they can have some of the things they want. They even have a plan, because of money issues, that difficult child 2 is going to get his driver's license first and then the next year, difficult child 1 will get his. Maybe the BT should come spend some time with my kids. lol
     
  9. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Ok, I'm only going to tackle ONE of these...

    What happened to "bicycle"?

    As in - yes, I don't think I'd be walking - or letting my daughter walk - 2.5 miles like Step did...
    BUT... Bicycle? Definitely.
    Its the half-way between "walk" and "car". Way faster than Walk. But if you do something stupid, you're not likely to go killing somebody else. (not impossible... just not likely)

    You CAN "volunteer" to make sure the bike is in top shape, and to provide appropriate lock etc... to me, THAT is being supportive.

    Drive? NO WAY.
     
  10. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Since we went through this several years ago...

    Miss KT would not have been driving had she not remained medication compliant. Period. If a person with untreated ADHD presents as approximately 30% younger than their age( learned this during a seminar, as a rule of thumb), you have an 11 year old driving a car.

    Miss KT would not have gotten money etc. from us had she not been attending school, getting decent grades, and remaining medication compliant. I see nothing wrong with having her find a job within walking distance/on the bus line. If you have to take her to work and pick her up, there's plenty of opportunity for fighting.

    College should not be a concern right now; wait and see if she manages to get through high school. There's always community colleges that won't break the bank...but again, unless she's doing what you want her to do, I wouldn't be kicking in any money.

    The therapist is wrong.
     
  11. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    My difficult child is only 12, but he has already brought up wanting to drive, both to me and to his therapist. I have said, in front of the therapist, that driving is a privledge. It's not a right. Just because difficult child is of driving age does not mean that I have to allow him to get his learners permit and set him lose on the other unsuspecting drivers out on the road. If difficult child does not show that he can control himself, driving will not be an issue because I won't allow it and I think that you are absolutely right on this. If she is not medication compliant and can not show or learn self control she should not be allowed to drive. I think that this BT is off her rocker.
     
  12. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    BT sounds like a 16 y.o.
     
  13. Methuselah

    Methuselah New Member

    Daisy, difficult child 1 doesn't have her license to drive. To us, driving is a priveledge and not a right. If she isn't going to keep her blood sugars in control (and comply with simple rules in our house), she is a danger to herself and others. It is a no brainier to us. It is your decision not the therapist.
     
  14. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Just a note on the whole driving thing... Onyxx has decided to wait till she's 18 to get her license, because that way she won't have to take Driver's Ed.


    EEEEEEEEEEEE. Of course, she can't pass the TEMPS test, so...
     
  15. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I'm a bit confused. Is she graduating with decent grades anytime soon? Not many 16 year olds are college bound...especially if they are not keeping up their schoolwork. Sounds like the cart is way before the horse in discussing that subject.

    Driving is a universal teen issue. Dysfunctional teens in my experience seem to be most eager to get behind the wheel..sigh. We provided transportation (as did my parents) for the kids. They were able to get their license when they were meeting the family rules. The one exception was difficult child#2 who failed drivers ed and truthfully just doesn't have the ability to absorb and react to traffic. He's 21 and not only an "accident waiting to happen"...he had his first one two weeks ago because he used poor judgement. His Mother got him his license at 20. Sigh.

    Is it possible that the therapist is trying to find a motivating goal to get your difficult child on task? Your difficult child could have been asked "what do you want in the future?" and responded "my own car and to go away to college". Then, difficult child could have added "but that will never happen because my parents etc. etc."
    That's the only scenario I can picture.

    Obviously goal setting is important for all kids. At sixteen you wouldn't her to feel that she has no hope of doing what she wants...oth...doing school work and being medication compliant are required to achieve goals of independence. It's confusing and surely I could be wrong but I think it is possible that the issues came out of discussions and are not necessarily signs of an ignorant therapist. DDD
     
  16. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I'm a bit confused. Is she graduating with decent grades anytime soon? Not many 16 year olds are college bound...especially if they are not keeping up their schoolwork. Sounds like the cart is way before the horse in discussing that subject.

    Driving is a universal teen issue. Dysfunctional teens in my experience seem to be most eager to get behind the wheel..sigh. We provided transportation (as did my parents) for the kids. They were able to get their license when they were meeting the family rules. The one exception was difficult child#2 who failed drivers ed and truthfully just doesn't have the ability to absorb and react to traffic. He's 21 and not only an "accident waiting to happen"...he had his first one two weeks ago because he used poor judgement. His Mother got him his license at 20. Sigh.

    Is it possible that the therapist is trying to find a motivating goal to get your difficult child on task? Your difficult child could have been asked "what do you want in the future?" and responded "my own car and to go away to college". Then, difficult child could have added "but that will never happen because my parents etc. etc." That's the only scenario I can picture.

    Obviously goal setting is important for all kids. At sixteen you wouldn't her to feel that she has no hope of doing what she wants...oth...doing school work and being medication compliant are required to achieve goals of independence. It's confusing and surely I could be wrong but I think it is possible that the issues came out of discussions and are not necessarily signs of an ignorant therapist. DDD
     
  17. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    DDD -
    I think the major challenge is that DF's difficult child actually has goals...
    She just isn't prepared to do anything that is required to even begin to work toward those goals.

    Its great to have big-picture goals.
    However... the BT has to look at this kids "real" age, not just her calendar age.
    She's officially 16. In reality, she's probably no more than 10...

    UGH.
     
  18. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    DF -
    Feel free to tell me to get lost on this one, but...

    There's a teeny-tiny bit of wiggle room here, and if you give "one inch", difficult child can probably "hang herself" right in front of BT's eyes. Which might be the most effective option...

    Two parts to it.

    1) College... well, she's got two years to go. If she can meet the following criteria (your list, things like maintaining a B average in HS, medications compliant, etc.), you are prepared to consider some level of support for college. You and I both know what the chances are of meeting criteria, but... to the BT, you've "left the door open".

    2) Job... it doesn't matter HOW good you make it for her, she will not succeed at the job. You know that. BT doesn't. SO... short term pain here... agree to drive her to and from work... IF she can meet an on-going list of directly-connected criteria: medications compliant, respectful when being driven to and from work, AND the $$ earned are either under your control or BT's control - e.g. not spent on illegal/immoral/dangerous stuff.

    difficult child isn't going to agree to ANY criteria. Good for BT to see that.
    But... by giving a fraction of an inch... BT "might" catch on that there's reasons why you got to where you are...
     
  19. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    OMG, DF, this "professional" is a tad out of touch with reality. What Sue said, you know?


     
  20. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I can get that. We have a difficult child who is 21 going on 16. It's difficult to say the least. on the other hand a therapist can't say to a patient "look you're five years behind and doing nothing". To form a relationship it is more logical to say "let's see what you have to do to reach the goals that you have set". Even if "the goals" are outlandish there is a need for bonding away from the family and not reiterations of the current low status. difficult child decided he wanted to be a "rocket scientist" and a television evangelist. He barely got thru math in high school and has never read the Bible! on the other hand, he loved going to the therapist and gained one or two insights as a result. DDD
     
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