Well, great. What we know for sure is that difficult child does not give a rat's patootie about anybody but herself. So, what "reward" is going to be big enough or consequence is going to be bad enough to get her to stop what she wants to do when she wants to do it?
"Gee, Ms Ally. If we could do this by ourselves, why would we need you?"
Pass the buck back.
I do agree, you need to be seen to be cooperative. Try this approach even through gritted teeth if you must. Even if you know it is doomed to fail. But whenever she tries to get you guys to write up the behaviour chart or think up consequences or rewards, make it clear - you have been so thoroughly beaten down by this kid and have lost so much confidence in your own parenting ability, that you need her to vet all your ideas and approve them. In other words, make HER authorise it all. Then when it fails, point out that SHE authorised it, said it would work. Even though you have already tried all this stuff and failed (which is why your confidence in this process is at an all-time low).
You want change, you want help, but it needs to be viable.
An example from years ago - a GP I had back then was concerned about my abnormal liver test results. He did not blame it on anti-epileptic medications recently prescribed. Instead he blamed it on codeine, which I was taking at the time along with paracetamol. He actually told me to keep taking the paracetamol (at high doses, yet) and drop the codeine. He told me to wean myself off slowly because CLEARLY (to him) this was addiction. He said that all the symptoms I was trying to treat, were actually caused by the codeine.
I said, "I don't need to wean off, I am not addicted." And I just stopped the codeine immediately. Main side effect - PAIN. But I gritted my teeth and stuck it out for a week. Partway through the week I discovered that the problem drugs were NOT the codeine, but the anti-epileptics and the paracetamol, so I stopped the latter and discussed with the doctor about stopping the former.
After about two weeks I went back to the doctor. "When should the withdrawal symptoms stop?" I asked him.
"What withdrawal symptoms?" he said.
"Pain," I told him. No other problem.
He thought about it. Asked more questions. Finally he said, "You first took it for pain. Now you're not taking it, you're in severe pain again. You're not having problems with any other symptoms. By now, there should be no withdrawal. Oh, and I have also discovered that it's not the codeine, it's your other medications more likely to cause liver problems."
Welcome to the late news!
End result - I went back on the pain management regime, asked to be referred to a pain clinic to support whatever I needed from a more expert point of view, and the GP never mentioned addiction again.
I had not expected anything else, but I went through it anyway because I knew he wouldn't believe what I said; I had to prove it to him and also demonstrate that I was willing and cooperative. In the past, in so many ways, I have found that in order to get what I want from people, I first have to play nice and give them what they want, even if it is idiotic.
Marg