Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by MidwestMom, Sep 27, 2009.
Hugs. I am sorry all this is affecting you so. I wish I had good advice.
Are you working on trust and abandonment issues in therapy?
Those seem to be the recurring themes and those issues will most certainly lead you to feeling the way you are.
As far as what you can do at home? I would pick up books on mindfulness and practice relaxation. When you're anxiety is at a constant high it makes everything else out of proportion. These are just tools, not a fix. Tools to help with anxiety, to help keep you in the moment and to allow you to maintain the mindset needed for therapy to be helpful.
Personally, I'd also set some boundaries with your son. I think it's pretty cruel that he tells you his wife hates you and continues to drag you into that mess. I know you want to be there for him, but you have to take care of you, too. After that email he sent you - where he threatened you - firm boundaries would have been set in place immediately, had it been me.
I'm sorry you're struggling.
I'm guessing it's pretty serious if you posted and deleted the text. Have you discussed your current state with psychiatrist to see about a medication adjustment, or perhaps he could add a medication that will get you though this bad spell?
When life became too overwhelming for me......I found a way to escape it for a bit. I'd play my sims game and ignore everything else, a good book, something that could let me think of something other than what was going on around me....just for a break from it.
Know that we care very much about you. Prayers going up that you can find some peace in the storm.
I don't know what you posted, and I won't try to guess. All I can advise is that you invest in your own well being. You can't be what everyone else needs you to be. I know you have younger ones at home, but they're not small children. Right now it has to be about you. Do anything and everything for you right now. Your grown children are grown. Let them fight their own battles. Your younger children have been well taken care of by you and won't fall to pieces if you declare "me time". It's time to let them go for a minute, then an hour, then a day, and take care of yourself.
I agree with the others, You can't be everything to everybody. Your older children are grown and it's time to let them fight their own battles. It's very unfair of them to burden you with all this and it's not like you can really do anything about it anyway. They're just using you to 'unload' and it's taking its toll on you.
I'm sorry that things are so very difficult for you right now. Just remember that you're a member of the CD family and we all love you here - you can always come here for your daily dose of CD therapy. Sending lots of (((hugs))).
Sending gentle hugs your way. Raising a difficult child takes a huge toll on your emotional/mental health. It's harder than anyone who hasn't been there can imagine -- certainly harder than I imagined when I began this journey.
Be kind to yourself. Self-nurturing is important, and as I'm learning, it's not selfish at all.
Amen. Sometimes far more difficult than nurturing everyone else, but not selfish by any means.
Hon, I don't know what all is going on. I DO know that you feel everyone else's pains so much that it is really hard on you. It is a great thing, to be able to truly empathize that way. Please turn that in towards yourself. Do for yourself the things you have suggested to the rest of us when we are losing our grip.
We love you. I love you. I hate knowing you hurt and I cannot give you a big gentle bear hug and some tea and homemade coffeecake and a break.
I am here if you need me. All of us are, by post or PM. If you need to talk in person, PM me with your number and I will call.
Lots of hugs.
Hugs and peace being sent your way.
Hugs and prayers for you, MWM.
Thanks. I"m sort of feeling...you try so hard and what's the use? I"m terrified of my daughter-in-law and never want to see her again. I want to run away to a distant land with hub. I don't want to raise my two kids because they grow up to hate you anyway.
Yeah, it's bad.
No, I have no idea what to do. Am contacting therapist, but doubt she can help. Can't sleep. Can't eat. But I do have some very real psychiatric diagnoses. Thinking I need a psychiatrist, when I can think. But sincerely doubt a medication switch would help.
I really don't think people on the board like me very much either...lol. If my family deserts me, as they always do, I have nobody.
I wish hub would quit smoking. He is the only person I really trust to never leave me. Well, him and my Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) son and I'm afraid the family will abandon him too.
And, yeah, in a bad place. I deleted the more graphic stuff. No point. It's not your guy's problem.
Have a nice day. And thanks for those who bothered to post to a textless message...lol (ever laugh when you're crying?).
I tend to panic. I'm panicking. I wonder if this is PTSD. But if so, what in the world can I do anyway?
I'll work out this morning and see if that helps.
I"M SCARED OF MY DAUGHTER-IN-LAW. I never want to see her again.
MWM, I can only send you many empathetic hugs. It's very hard to claw your way out when it seems like there's no point to any of it. It's time for some intensive self-care, hon, and to reach out to people (professionals and non) who can support you. That includes us, always.
I'm so sorry you've hit this dark place and wish I could give you a quick fix. Many hugs to you.
MWM, I'll be one of those who post to a deleted post.
Your d i l doesn't care for you. So what? It doesn't mean you need to fear her. She is flesh and blood and if you don't get involved, you should have no reason to fear her. Let's face, no one likes everyone and some of us more ummm blunt talkers probably aren't the first on the invitation list to parties.
It's not your job to fix your son or his marriage. It's not your job to be the apple of d i l's eye.
It is nature that children leave the nest and move on. Some stay closer than others but they must in the end move on to be healthy and normal.
As far as members liking or not liking you seems a bit unfair. There are many of us who are very aware of your posts and are kind and try to be helpful and supportive. Not everyone agrees here and they shouldn't. Not everyone is very good at how they word things and probably not everyone loves you to pieces but you have a core group who care for you and appreciate your insights.
I hope you are just in place where everything seems bleak instead of really thinking we are not in your corner.
As far as cigs, it's a battle for them and not one you can fight for him.
Don't be terrified of d i l. She is just an unhappy woman. I never saw a woman going through divorce or marital problems who wasn't a little tense and wound tighter than a spring. Don't give her super powers. What's the worst she can do that she hasn't already done? You will survive this and you will survive her. No way would I let a person who is miserable make me be part of that misery. She brought it on herself.
Walk away, be polite and put your love and support to your grandson if possible. Let the two adults hammer things out.
If d i l acts like a horse's patootie, we will all be happy to come over and duct tape her to a chair and give her a piece of our minds.
It's pretty involved. My son SCott disappearing seems to have given me PTSD. Now I just feel like running first when somebody is angry at me. And I tend to have to deal with people who won't sit down and talk it over or resolve anything.
THe possible intense hurt is what scares me about daughter in law. ANd son. And everyone else.
Thanks for caring.
Late to this but just want to send some hugs for your pain and anxiety. I like what Fran had to say -- she speaks a world of truth.
Hang in there!
Fran does give some good advice. Don't let what could be dictate what is. It's so much easier for your son and daughter in law to take advantage and blame you when you are in a panic.
I don't think it's ever too late to tell your children something along the lines of "I'm sorry I got so involved in your mess. I really shouldn't have. I find it really upsetting and I can't do that to myself anymore because I need to be strong for me, and for you when you have worked this out. You're a grown up, and I know you can work this out. I'm sorry for your pain, but I know you have the tools to make this work, and I will be here if you need something tangible, but you must seek a marriage counselor for private advice. I can't do it anymore."
Stand up for yourself, and run like the dickens away from their marital problems. But don't run away from them. It's two different things. We don't dislike you here, not so far as I know. A lot of us did see this freight train coming down the tracks towards you, and you had your mommy blinders on. Take them off, and see the world. Their marriages are their own and you need to step out of the way. My marriage is a freight train out of control right now, too. But I'll get it back on track. It's helpful that I haven't put anyone else in the middle of it, because I don't have to perform to their standards or be angry at them because their advice didn't help. Stay out of it and work on your own happiness. Everyone deserves happiness, and no one else can find it for or give it to you.
MWM, reaching out through cyberspace to send you strength and gentle hugs. I want you to know that I care and there are others here who care as well. I hope you will work out this morning and then get on the phone with your team of professionals. Talking with your therapist and perhaps a medication tweak could see you through this rough patch. Please come back and post whenever you need to. We're here for you.
I'm so sorry for your hurting heart. (((((((((MidwestMom)))))))You've tried so hard to be a good mother in law, to win her over- it'll be a relief in a way to NOT TRY ANYMORE, then your heart won't get broken each time her ugliness comes out. Know she's ugly on the inside, so she sees everything through ugly. You know what to expect with her. Be yourself, your wonderful, kind self.
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