Hello all. I hope everyone is doing well. I haven't been on in a few days as my life has been chaotic!!! My daughter is still driving us all crazy. She is completely out of control at this point. She hasn't been on her medications in quite some time and it shows. She is extremely irritable, we can't even talk to her at all anymore. No matter what we say to her she lashes out at us. She has been verbally abusive to the max!!! She stays out all night and doesn't bother to call. She broke her cell phone so I have no means of communication with her. She thinks she is getting a new one....NOT!!! At this point she'll be lucky if she gets anything at all for Christmas this year. My husband doesn't want me to buy her anything. She just doesn't deserve to have a good Christmas. She has been a complete horror. The other day I asked her nicely to pick up her clothes from the bathroom floor, her response was "go s*ck a d!ck". My jaw dropped, I was stunned. You would think I would be used to her disgusting mouth by now. But when she speaks to me like that it is shocking. I don't even know how to respond. Last night she brought 3 guys home and had the nerve to ask me to go into my bedroom so that they could hang out in the living room while she got dressed!!! I, of course said no, in fact they weren't even allowed in the house. I made them wait on the porch for her. She wasn't happy about that. She called me a few choice words got dressed and left. It has just been hell around here. It truly amazes me that she is able to treat us the way she does and just go about her business as if everything is wonderful. She harbors no guilt or remorse. It's unbelievable, if I treated people the way she does I wouldn't be able to stand being in my own skin. I really wish she would just move out. I don't even care where she goes at this point, as long as she isn't in my home. Her little brother and cousin can't stand to be around her. They hate when she comes home. The other day she was cursing at me and threatening to "rock me" (beat me up) and my son was home so he heard her. She went to kiss him and he told her to leave him alone. He said "I hate you", she replied "you hate me?" and he said "yes, but if you say sorry to mommy then I will love you again". I felt so bad for him. He doesn't deserve to live in this craziness. He must be so torn inside, he does love his sister but he witnesses her abusing all the people he loves and it tears him up. He is just a joy, he is a happy little guy with a great personality who cares about people. He has a big heart, the most empathetic 7 year old I have ever known. He cries at sad movies and loves when people are nice to one another. It breaks my heart that he has to witness his sister's abuse. I hope it doesn't change him too much. He truly is the sunshine in my life. I look at him and can't believe how lucky I am to have him. The abusive boyfriend: Well, he hit her again. She came home with more bruising and a cut on her head. I freaked out. She said she is done with him, her exact words verbatim were "I hope he dies, I hate him". She must be staying away from him because he has been calling the house for her. He actually had the nerve to call here and ask for her!!! When I asked who was calling and he said "Lace", I went off on him!!! He, of course denied that he ever hit her. I threatened his life and some parts of his body as well. Now when he calls he hangs up on me. She has a new "boo" now. She goes through boyfriends like we go through aspirin!!! I would imagine her illness plays a big part in that. On a good note, we finally have an interview for a boce program. I hope she does well, she isn't on her medications so I am keeping my finger's crossed that she can maintain composure during the interview. We have to be there tomorrow at 11, let's hope she agrees to go!!! She needs to be in school. Her life is going nowhere fast. Me: I haven't been doing so well lately. I feel like I am slipping into a depression. I have no energy, I don't want to do anything, I am angry all of the time and cry for no reason. I can't seem to find joy in anything, I feel as though I am slowly dropping into a dark hole. I just want to sleep all of the time!!! But I can't sleep during the night at all. I am up all night long and then I try to sleep as much as I can during the day. As soon as I open my eyes a feeling of doom comes over me. I have the "why bother" attitude, I can't seem to grab a hold of any hopeful feelings. I feel so overwhelmed and mentally exhausted. I just don't have the fight in me anymore. All these years of fighting my daughter's demons has taken a toll on me. I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel, I feel as though everything we have done for my daughter as been a waste of time. She is worse than she has ever been. I am afraid of what our future holds. I just don't know what else I can live through. My poor husband has been trying so hard to make me happy. He cleans the house for me, he gives my son his bath and does his homework with him, he tries so hard to take some of the stress off me. He is a blessing. He even bought me a flat screen tv. He was so excited to give it to me and I tried to be just as excited for him. But my sorrow shows. UUUURRRGGG!!!! I hate feeling like this!!!! It is such a dark place to be. I feel like a weak sap!!! Well, I have babbled on long enough. If you have made it this far, thank you for sticking it out.