daughter worse than ever....update

[bran155]

Hello all. I hope everyone is doing well. I haven't been on in a few days as my life has been chaotic!!!

My daughter is still driving us all crazy. She is completely out of control at this point. She hasn't been on her medications in quite some time and it shows. She is extremely irritable, we can't even talk to her at all anymore. No matter what we say to her she lashes out at us. She has been verbally abusive to the max!!! She stays out all night and doesn't bother to call. She broke her cell phone so I have no means of communication with her. She thinks she is getting a new one....NOT!!! At this point she'll be lucky if she gets anything at all for Christmas this year. My husband doesn't want me to buy her anything. She just doesn't deserve to have a good Christmas. She has been a complete horror. The other day I asked her nicely to pick up her clothes from the bathroom floor, her response was "go s*ck a d!ck". My jaw dropped, I was stunned. You would think I would be used to her disgusting mouth by now. But when she speaks to me like that it is shocking. I don't even know how to respond. Last night she brought 3 guys home and had the nerve to ask me to go into my bedroom so that they could hang out in the living room while she got dressed!!! I, of course said no, in fact they weren't even allowed in the house. I made them wait on the porch for her. She wasn't happy about that. She called me a few choice words got dressed and left. It has just been hell around here. It truly amazes me that she is able to treat us the way she does and just go about her business as if everything is wonderful. She harbors no guilt or remorse. It's unbelievable, if I treated people the way she does I wouldn't be able to stand being in my own skin. I really wish she would just move out. I don't even care where she goes at this point, as long as she isn't in my home. Her little brother and cousin can't stand to be around her. They hate when she comes home. The other day she was cursing at me and threatening to "rock me" (beat me up) and my son was home so he heard her. She went to kiss him and he told her to leave him alone. He said "I hate you", she replied "you hate me?" and he said "yes, but if you say sorry to mommy then I will love you again". I felt so bad for him. He doesn't deserve to live in this craziness. He must be so torn inside, he does love his sister but he witnesses her abusing all the people he loves and it tears him up. He is just a joy, he is a happy little guy with a great personality who cares about people. He has a big heart, the most empathetic 7 year old I have ever known. He cries at sad movies and loves when people are nice to one another. It breaks my heart that he has to witness his sister's abuse. I hope it doesn't change him too much. He truly is the sunshine in my life. I look at him and can't believe how lucky I am to have him.

The abusive boyfriend: Well, he hit her again. She came home with more bruising and a cut on her head. I freaked out. She said she is done with him, her exact words verbatim were "I hope he dies, I hate him". She must be staying away from him because he has been calling the house for her. He actually had the nerve to call here and ask for her!!! When I asked who was calling and he said "Lace", I went off on him!!! He, of course denied that he ever hit her. I threatened his life and some parts of his body as well. Now when he calls he hangs up on me. She has a new "boo" now. She goes through boyfriends like we go through aspirin!!! I would imagine her illness plays a big part in that.

On a good note, we finally have an interview for a boce program. I hope she does well, she isn't on her medications so I am keeping my finger's crossed that she can maintain composure during the interview. We have to be there tomorrow at 11, let's hope she agrees to go!!! She needs to be in school. Her life is going nowhere fast.

Me: I haven't been doing so well lately. I feel like I am slipping into a depression. I have no energy, I don't want to do anything, I am angry all of the time and cry for no reason. I can't seem to find joy in anything, I feel as though I am slowly dropping into a dark hole. I just want to sleep all of the time!!! But I can't sleep during the night at all. I am up all night long and then I try to sleep as much as I can during the day. As soon as I open my eyes a feeling of doom comes over me. I have the "why bother" attitude, I can't seem to grab a hold of any hopeful feelings. I feel so overwhelmed and mentally exhausted. I just don't have the fight in me anymore. All these years of fighting my daughter's demons has taken a toll on me. I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel, I feel as though everything we have done for my daughter as been a waste of time. She is worse than she has ever been. I am afraid of what our future holds. I just don't know what else I can live through. My poor husband has been trying so hard to make me happy. He cleans the house for me, he gives my son his bath and does his homework with him, he tries so hard to take some of the stress off me. He is a blessing. He even bought me a flat screen tv. He was so excited to give it to me and I tried to be just as excited for him. But my sorrow shows. UUUURRRGGG!!!! I hate feeling like this!!!! It is such a dark place to be. I feel like a weak sap!!!

Well, I have babbled on long enough. If you have made it this far, thank you for sticking it out.

 

[JJJ]

Bran,

I would make a big calendar counting down the days until she is 18 and making it crystal clear that the locks are getting changed on that day and she is not allowed back into the house once she is 18. As you state in your post, to live surrounded by domestic violence is hurting your son.

I'm so sorry she is being so awful.

 

[butterflydreams]

Oh Bran! I am so sorry that that your daughter is worse. This has to be so hard for you and the rest of your family.

I worry about you though. You really need to get some help for yourself. Your husband and your son need you. If nothing else, go to your regular doctor and ask for something for depression. I finally got my doctor to give me something for the stress/anxiety/depression that I have been dealing with. I have been taking 60mg Cymbalta now for about a month and I am telling you it has helped tremendously. I feel normal, but when there is something that I know is stressful, I am like, I know I should be stressed about this, but guess what, I'm not.

Hugs to you!

Christy

 

[Andy]

Well, you have the detachment part down.

I am so sorry she has to be like this. I really think 17 is the absolute worse. She has to see her life going nowhere and will not admit that she is also afraid for her future. While other kids in her class are making exciting plans for college and an education, she is trying to figure out how she will make ends meet when her parents are able to kick her out of the house. She is looking for that boyfriend who will make sure she is taken care of. She doesn't see that the friends she is choosing are just as irresponsible as she is and even these boys are looking for a free ride.

When will she be 18?

Tell her you will not get her a new cell phone. She doesn't use it to keep touch with you anyway. Let her know that those "friends" she uses the phone to talk to are dangerous and you refuse to add that stress to her life.

This is putting more stress on your son than you can ever imagine. You may want to consider getting a therapist for him, someone he will feel safe talking to. Your son does not want to hurt you and may think you know what he is going through.

Set some house rules and start enforcing them even if they cause a fight. Your daughter will push the limits so you need to be prepared to hold those limits tight.

1. No foul language.
2. Home at (whatever time)

No new clothes, special meals, allowance, ect. no nothing until she can go a certain amount of time without breaking these rules.

Is she doing her own laundry? If not, let her start. Give her the times that the machines are available - go ahead and use late night to early morning. She is up all night she may as well be home doing her own laundry.

 

[Jena]

Hey

Long time. Im sorry to hear that things are not going well, and she's totally out of control now.

I know your keeping the balls in the air, and doing what you have to do right now. Yet as everyone here has taught me quite well you have to take care of you first. I mean that. Without you it all falls apart. Go to the dr.

As far as the rest of it goes I am familiar with boces program. That isn't something that is going to be allowed to "hold" her, correct? It is a choice is it not?? If that is the case and shes this out of control now what makes you think she's going to go at this point?? i'm just trying to play devil's advocate here. I dont' want to see you frustrate yourself anymore.

I agree with everyone else unfortunately locks changed, etc. if things don't turn around soon.

She does need help yet I"m not sure if boces is going to do the trick. What will happen if she doens't go?

ok sorry i don't mean to further upset you i just don't want you setting yourself up for more of a nightmare. She isnt' thinking about her future now. She just needs to be contained and stabilized.

keep us posted

my thoughts and prayers are with you

 

[Jena]

One more thought..........I know right now you are thinking what did you do to deserve this? I can't imagine what your thinking and the stress your under, not to mention your marriage and your other child.

You truly have to do what the other's suggested , cut her supplies off totally. No clean laundry, no special foods she likes bought, no cell phone i'd shut the line off at this point. Door locked at a certain time if she doens't show up at night. You have truly got to go hard core I think at this point. Don't bother asking her to pick up her clothes she's beyond that now. You don't deserve or need the abuse either. This approach will either work or it wont'. Yet if she thinks that her behavior is going to continue being tolerated she'll keep it up. Although she needs her medications, ppl do what works i've unfortunately come to learn.

I'm just very concerned for you. Your a good mom and a good person. Keep your chin up and also find a local support group as well troubled teens, etc. their all over the place. Here is great, yet being able to speak with people in person may help you as well.
You will get through this.

 

[BusynMember]

Sounds to me like she is taking drugs. I don't remember her history, but I would consider THAT a given. She is acting irrational. Reminds me about the nutty things my daughter said and did when she was high as a kite or coming off the drugs she took. She was mean and very crazy, then she'd melt down and be suicidal, but she'd do it all again and things were getting worse, not better. And she wouldn't accept any help. It was hell. We cut off everything--she got no money at all, no electronics, no car use, nothing, but it didn't change anything. She didn't care about any consequences, just her friends and getting high. (At the time we weren't aware of the extent of the drug use however).
At her age, I'd tell her she gets the help *I* want her to get and listens to the rules or she leaves at 18.

 

[Marguerite]

Bran, it is so difficult for you. You predicted it would get worse when you stopped trying to make her take her medications - at least now she's not getting medications sometimes and not others, but the flip side is, she gets worse like this, as you said to expect.

The foul mouth - any of it - don't react. You've seen before that a lot of what she says and does is to try and get a reaction from you. I'm wondering if at some level she's wanting you to react with the same extreme that she feels with her BiPolar (BP) out of control... just conjecture, anyway.

I have two possible responses to the suggestion from her to indulge in oral sex - first option is to calmly announce that you can't right now, husband isn't home yet (this response shocks the kid back, in spades, often grosses them out - but SHE started it! They often learn to not go there in future to avoid getting grossed out again). The other option is to again stay calm and say, "That really isn't an appropriate comment. My sexual practices are none of your business. Try again and this time, don't be so random."

(I mentioned something similar to this in a watercooler post - I used to work with men who were extremely sexist in a workplace full of obvious sexual harassment. Most women left because they couldn't cope with it at all; I found that the most effective option was to harass the men back, in a funny but derogatory way, with a grin on my face and in front of the other men so the harasser would be exposed AND be embarrassed. The men quickly learned to NOT try to get a laugh at my expense. I got respect - on MY terms, but using methods THEY understood.)

Or even a very brief, "Let's try that again. I say, 'Please pick your clothes up off the bathroom floor,' and you say?..."
And you keep doing this until you get a more appropriate response. But you HAVE to stay calm. The worst thing you can do is to let her get under your skin; or if she does, don't let her see it. You detach. Let her think you no longer care, at least as long as she behaves like this. You only show you care when she talks to you appropriately. Example - she comes home raging about boyfriend hitting her and says, "I hate him," THEN you can sympathise even if she is yelling, because she isn't yelling at you. Avoid "I told you so" or anything she could take to mean you're judging her. Sometimes simply reflecting is the best way to respond when she shares her feelings. Example, "I can see you're unhappy." No other judgement at all. Just the observation.

The curfew - unless she has a scheduled activity of which you approve (such as a class or course she is doing, or a job) I would let her know that the doors will be locked at 10 pm (or earlier, if you go to bed earlier). Of course this will put a crimp in her social life but frankly, it's not a healthy social life. Having her coming in late and disruptive is really bad for your son especially. It's also not good for you and shows her that you're prepared to put up with whatever she dishes out. Don't let her think you're a doormat. It's also important for your son to see you putting your foot down because one day HE will be 17 and could feel that he has the same amount of leeway he sees you giving her now.

And the primary thing - get help for yourself. You have a lot of rubbish dumping on you at the moment and it's more than anyone can manage alone. Get help. There is no shame in this - you are entitled, you are not being selfish - if anything, you are getting help for yourself so you will be strong enough to help your kids.

Countdown to her turning 18. Be consistent. be firm. Be detached. Get help for yourself. You are in damage control mode for now.

Marg

 

[everywoman]

AT this point you need to cut off all communication with her. If she comes into the house, go to another room. If she follows, lock the door. If she threatens you, call the cops. You do not have to live like this. And no, I would not buy her anything at this point---especially something not necessary like a cell If you feel like you have to get her something for Christmas, then socks, underwear, toiletries would be in order. Until you are stronger, do not deal with her nonsense. She is getting exactly what she wants from you. Don't interfere. It's hard to watch them ruin their lives, I know, I have had to do it, but until you let her hit rock bottom, she will continue on this path of destructiveness. God bless and a hug for you mommy heart.

 

[susiestar]

Bran,

It really is important to get help for you and your son. BOTH of you need to see therapists. Your son esp because he thinks you know whatever it is she is doing to him. He doesn't want to upset you more, so he won't tell you. YOU need to think about medication to help with the way you are feeling. Many of us have had to take medication at times, or even all the time to deal with the stress of life with a difficult child.

As for your daughter, go back and read the suggestions we have made in your prior posts. There were a lot of good ways to handle this. Also search the site for info on detachment. Just put that word in the search box and you will get some great info. Once you do that (detach) it REALLY lowers your stress AND confuses your child.

As your daughter problem has a key to the current locks on the house, CHANGE THEM. Then lock them at 10 pm.

I know in your state you are not allowed to kick your daughter out at 18, but you CAN make rules and enforce them that she won't like and she can leave on her own. Just write down the rules, (be home by 10, doors locked then; no friends allowed in the house; no allowance or $$ given to her for anything; wash own clothes using machines between 10 pm and 4 am; any clothes/items left on floor of any room but her own will be thrown away; no cursing; no abusing her little brother (parents decide what abuse is; then anything else you can think of.)

She will hate the rules and move out on her own. This will hurt your heart as she may break off contact with you, but it will be good for your son and actually for HER in the long run.

Sorry things are so bad.

Susie

 

[Wiped Out]

I'm sorry things are so rough right now. I hate that you are having to deal with all of this. Others have given good suggestions. Definitely start a countdown to 18. by the way, when does she turn 18?

I agree it's important to get help for you and for your son. You are dealing with so much. Hugs.

 

[KTMom91]

Please get some help for you and your son. As I recently discovered, by the time I recognized I was depressed I was really, really depressed. Please talk to your doctor.

Many, many hugs to you and prayers being said that things calm down at your house.

 

[hearts and roses]

Self Preservation, Bran. You need to change the focus within your home back onto the part of the family that is interested...meaning your H, your son and you. What is the ultimate goal? To be a home at peace, a family surrounded in love and engaging with one another in a respectful manner.

That means you remove the disruptive one. And since you can't legally kick daughter out of your home - you cut her off. She's old enough to work, she knows the difference between right and wrong, she can figure out how to cook for herself, do her own laundry, clean her own room, etc. You provide no money, no clothing, no cell, etc. She can get herself a job and pay for those things herself. When she flips out, H, you and ds get up and go for a drive or go for a walk or go in another room and lock the door (take the house phone with you). Show her that you will no longer be baited by her tantrums and you will no longer allow her to disrupt your family.

In the meantime, you can simplify some things around your home/schedule. If you can, switch to paper products for easier clean up after meals. Sit down with H and create a weekly schedule of "A" chores - meaning the daily/necessary chores, and the "B" chores, meaning the weekly/less necessary ones. Perhaps you could create a menu and all three of you can spend a Sat/Sun afternoon cooking for the week to freeze. This will help lessen the weekday dinner rush. Create a quiet hour before or after dinner each evening when you either play a game together and laugh or read quietly to wind down before bedtime. Create peaceful family times, down times, fun times, happy memories.

Also, like everyone else said, get yourself and H and son to a therapist. You all need support. You not only need to help yourself, but you all need to learn how to support one another in a healthy manner. A good family therapist will help you with this.

Perhaps this person can also help you set up some fair home rules to present daughter with at a later date. If she fails to follow those rules, then she can leave. You can have the locks changed and not give her a key. That's what her curfew is for..the doors are open until_____.

As for school. I found with my daughter that forcing was useless. Fortunately, we found a school she liked (finally). But she still didn't try academically. She passed and (thankfully) graduated, but it was a struggle - I think the teachers and I struggled more inwardly than she did at all! My point is, do not expect Boces to be the be all end all of her problems with school. She still may rebel against it. She may not graduate, she may not go at all. I'd say, give it this last shot - best of luck - and hopefully she will do it. But if she doesn't, her only other alternative to living at home is to go to work - FULLTIME - if she is not in school. No compromises!

Everyone keeps asking - when does she turn 18?? After my daughter turned 18 and we had finally had enough and threw her out...she started to turn around. Like I said, two steps forward one step back. I don't expect perfection, but I do expect her to pull her weight and be respectful. You deserve the same - it is your home and your family, your life. Why should you continue to be held hostage by this 17 year old tyrant?? Hugs. I hope you're able to get the support you need and maintain your strength.

 

[Pookybear66]

Sorry you have to deal with this cr*p Bran. I am not familiar with Boces and thankfully my ds is not yet old enough to go off on his own and do crazy things YET. I agree that you need to get yourself in a better place and maybe on some medications. I agree that your ds needs some help too.

I found Marge's comment funny as I was thinking the same thing. I would treat those sexual comments with detachment as well "not right now as I like to take my time with that sort of stuff" will completely throw her off balance as she won't be expecting those kind of things as a reply-she is expecting you to blow up in anger. In a way it comforts her.

Anyway, I forget the back story on her. Is there a reason why you can't get her into a hospital setting since she is off her medications and acting crazy? Wouldn't this be a safe alternative to her running around on the streets getting abused and possibly doing drugs? I don't think her behavior is in any way acceptable, but I think she needs help in a safe environment and not to be "thrown out". Just my opinion though.

 

[totoro]

I am so sorry.
When I was a senior in High School My Bio-Dad who I was living with at the time, decided to up and move at the last minute. No real warning, me being the BiPolar (BP), drug using, I love my boyfriend 17 yo ding dong, said "F'no I would not move to another state!"
He was a piece of work himself, but he just moved, without me.
I had had a previous suicide attempt, been in the psychiatric ward. So I was not doing very good. No medications.

But he left. He gave me 2 months warning. In that time I found a place to stay, sure it was my *Uncle* who was an alcoholic and a user. But it was safer than most of the other places. I had a job. And I graduated honor roll.
I did not do perfect by no means. But I learned that I could and had to get by on my own.
Just thought I would give you one story that was not great but didn't end up so bad...
Sometimes we can pull ourselves through despite how bad we are doing at times.