dazed and confused

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by dazed and confused, Jul 11, 2014.

  1. dazed and confused

    dazed and confused New Member

    I hope this is the right spot for this. I have a daughter who is 25 I have just dicovered a cocain habit
    I truly trusted her, only to find out that my debit card went missing along with 11,00 dollars, a fraud check for 2,000, and credit card for 3,000. I am so broken hearted over all of this, and now she is out of physic ward where she admitted herself, and has not contacted me in over a week! I have no idea where
    she is, if she is ok, we always took care of her , until recently things were just not adding up while she was living at home for a couple of months, we stopped feeding her the money, then the theft started
    only thing is we didn't know what was happening till the ank statements came in the mail, never
    dreaming she would do such a thing.
    What should I do? This is such a nitemare, not knowing if she is ok, or where she is.
  2. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome to the board but I am so sorry you had to find us under such difficult times. You will find a great group of parents here who have walked more than a mile in the same shoes as you have. There isn’t much that we haven’t heard, experienced or had happen to us so nothing shocks us anymore. You are now among friends who will gather you into our fold.

    Now I will warn you that because we all have been through the wringer with our difficult child's (the problem children who brought us here) we can some times be pretty blunt and tell it like it like it is. That comes from years of dealing with our kids, schools, the police and other various agencies we have all had the pleasure of being involved with. It does get old after awhile as Im sure your you know.

    Please take this time to let us know as much as you can about your difficult child. Has he/she ever been diagnosed with any mental health issues and if so when and where? Are they compliant with whatever mental health programs are supposed to be in place if any?

    How about substance abuse? If so, what type and when did it start? That can play a part in a downward spiral if your child was fairly okay and suddenly turned into the devil himself.

    Whatever the case, we are happy to have you. You will find links at the bottom of my page to the list of shorthand we use, and the website for detachment which is wonderful. I also urge you to join us for some talk that isn’t all difficult child related in the Watercooler forum.

    Now I want to say a few more personal things to you about your daughter and the blatant theft she has done against you. This has happened to me so I am not giving you any advice that I wouldnt take. Please, for both of you, PRESS CHARGES!!!! You cannot let her get away with stealing from you. I dont care if she knew the PIN because she sometimes shopped with you. Unless you gave her permission it is fraud. With some of the amounts you listed it will be some fairly hefty charges laid against her too. Not your problem. You didnt tell her to steal. She stole.

    Go to the bank and swear out forgery affidavits for everything you have to do and report all the fraud on credit/debit cards. The banks will take over the prosecution and it will be out of your hands. I just read a bit harder and saw about the coke habit. You really must press charges to protect her from herself. It wont be easy. Oh how I know that. I did it to my son about 2 months after his 21st birthday. You will learn how to do this from all the smart warrior moms and dads on this site.
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  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Janet gave you good advice. I wanted you to know others were reading your post. It can be slow weekends.

    Your daughter will not learn anything nor change her lifestyle if you are afraid to make her face the consequences of stealing. If she stole from you, she probably stole elsewhere too. If she lives with you, she should be told she has a week to find a place to live and then leave. At least, that is my opinion. She is not only stealing, she is using illegal drugs in your house and she is too old for you to be feeding her a dime. She should have a job and if she doesn't want to go to rehab and quit using drugs and get a job, the quality of her life needs to go down the tubes or she will never have the motivation to quit her lifestyle.Why would you take care of her at her age? Even if she has some mental health problems, like I do, she has to take care of herself. You can't live forever.

    I think all of us are shocked when we learn our kids are drug users. And we often won't admit how long or how badly the drug abuse is, but it changes them. Some were problems before that. Some of us, myself included, didn't acknowledge those problems beforehand. Have you ever gone to Narc-Anon or Al-Anon for face time support?
  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Pam is right though I dont think what Cory did had a heck of a lot to do with drugs. Sure he smoked pot back then but when he stole the money from me when he was 21 he was extremely jealous because he thought I was treating him unfairly. He had this inflated sense of entitlement in thinking that if I had something he was instantly entitled to part of it. That has never changed with him. I was fooled into thinking he had learned his lesson.

    I do think drugs, especially harder drugs like cocaine and opiates, just make things ten times worse. I have found my son to have this sense of entitlement grow much larger. It ticks me off to no end and he really doesnt like the fact that I have little patience for his requests from me anymore. Almost anything he asks of me these days just makes me mad. Can you believe he asked me this week if I had an extra battery here. I have two cars here...one is the little pick up I am driving and the other is that idiotic paperweight of a minivan that I bought last year which isnt running but we have got to figure out how to do something with it. One of the reasons it wont even start is he STOLE the damn thing and it completely died on the side of the road. I wanted to press charges on that but Tony and Jamie convinced me that by doing so I would mess up any chance I had with my lawsuit against the car dealership. I dont know if that was good advice or not. Of course, its not like he could have paid me any money for fixing it. He is pretty judgement proof so the dealer is my best bet.
  5. dazed and confused

    dazed and confused New Member

    Thanks everyone for your words of wisdom ,I do attend al a non, but will soon be driving an hour to get to
    a support group for parents of addicts. I think it's odd that they have the problem, but I am getting into
    groups for help as they go on thier merry way. I just feel like she threw me on the garbage heap when the cash
    flow was stopped, Al A Non says let go an let God, same as your detachment, but there are times through the day when I just long for the child I knew, and grieve for what I have lost, my baby. I just pray that God in all His wisdom is taking care of this an she will break free of the cystalist that surrounds her and emerge the beautiful butterfly God
    always intended. That is my prayer everytime I think of her, whatelse is there to do. I have laid charges, going for my video statement, claimed fraud repeatedly. I just dispise the bank of montreal, I hate dealing with RCMP, all of this is sooooooooooo far out of my comfort zone that I could just throw up. I am dissapointed that she has forced me into this situation, the marital strain, stress .
  6. dazed and confused

    dazed and confused New Member

    We always had a good relation ship, she was my coffee buddy, travel buddy . We talked everyday, she was always
    hugging me ,telling me she loved me, I just really miss her, I know she can't be allowed to steal and fraud I know this,
    but my heart hurts. What goes wrong in their mind to think its ok to lie an decieve to get what you want I just don't
    get it hence dazed confused. My husband just took everything of hers an burned it or put it out for garbage, he don't care what takes place an her sister thinks the same, I understand their view, ut they don't understand mine, I am not
    made that way, Iam sure in time I will be forced just by the way things will go , the way she has set in motion, I realize I can't stop it, but it doesn't lessen the pain.
  7. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Hi dazed and welcome. I am sorry.

    Dazed, I hope you are ready to start working on yourself. If you are, and you want to start feeling better, and taking back control of your life and your emotions---no matter what your daughter does or does not do---a great place to start is by reading CoDependent No More. Keep going on Al-Anon---I go regularly---it will save your sanity. In between read Al-Anon literature plus other books---there are many, including When the Servant Becomes the Master and Addict in the Family---two recent ones I have read.

    Your daughter is a drug addict. And directly and frankly---her addiction has nothing to do with you. It is not about you. It is not aimed at you. You did nothing to cause it, make it worse or make it better.

    She will do whatever she has to do to get drugs. That includes stealing from you.

    Deep inside, there is still that person who you remember. But she has been taken over by addiction, and it is a primal need. It is as strong as the urge to breathe. She must have it, and she will do whatever she has to do to get it. Again, it isn't about you.

    Addiction is characterized by denial. By lying, by grandiosity, by manipulation. Read about it. Learn about it---get informed.

    The more you can grab ahold of yourself and begin to separate from your daughter and her actions, the better off you will be.

    She will not stop because you want her to, you pray her to, you love her to. She will stop when and only when SHE decides to stop.

    Warm hugs for your heart. I know how badly it hurts. I have been there done that. And lived to tell about it. Keep coming back. We get it and we care.
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Dazed, many of our kids have personality disorders, which I have been studying like crazy because I think my son has one.They often lead to drug addiction, but both can stand alone.

    Actually, I believe many of our grown kids were nice to us, sometimes even as children, simply because they, having the extra perception of a child/adult with a budding personality disorder, know that they get more from us if they are nice to us. The real them often pops out the minute the money stops. It isn't always because of drugs, but some adult children were fine until the drugs and addiction. Others had antisocial, borderline and narcissistic traits before that and didn't need to use them on us because we gave them essentially anything they wanted.

    Until we stopped.

    Then they weren't so nice anymore.

    I have no idea what your daughter is like when she isn't on drugs. I don't know any clues you may have had that maybe she had some meanness inside of her. I knew. I hated it, but I knew. Some adult kids honestly are fine until the illness of addiction takes over...then all bets are off. Often it is both.

    There is nothing you can do to change your daughter. She has to do all of it. Nor should you enable her horrible behavior or let her get away with stealing. It will only get worse. She isn't that little baby you cuddled in the hospital or that cute, cheeky little ten year old who hugged your. She is a grown woman who is in her mid-twenties and knows exactly what she is doing. When we look at our adult kids, often we revert to them as they once were, but that isn't them now. It is irrelevant. We are stuck dealing with what we have now.

    When we go to our meetings, I don't take it to mean we are going for our adult children who are in trouble. I think of it as going for myself, so I can learn better coping mechanisms and join a fellowship of others who won't judge me. It's all about me learn to survive the trauma at the meetings, although, of course, it is our adult children who brought us there. It is still about OUR recovery from their problems. It is not to learn how to fix them because we can't.

    Your husband and other daughter are dealing with this family member's betrayal in their own ways. She has done the family harm and is not sorry. You all need to handle this in your own way. For all of you, including your addict daughter, it is your own journey. You can not walk this path together. And it is different for all. And, yes, time does make your perspective sharper and time tends to give us much wisdom.

    Extra hugs. So sorry you are hurting.
  9. dazed and confused

    dazed and confused New Member

    such great advice, I would not be as sane as I am with out AL A Non, an my litature., I am so glad I found my group
    and this forum ,it is soooooo important to have in my life right now and I am pretty sure for a long time to come.
    So the books you mentioned above would I find them at Al A Non?
  10. dazed and confused

    dazed and confused New Member

    Yes I am ready to start taking care of myself , take back control. And to learn as much as I can about addiction.
  11. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Welcome.........HUGS for your tired soul
  12. nlj

    nlj Well-Known Member

    Welcome Dazed.
    I hope you find lots of help and support here from mums who have gone through what you are going through now and have survived.
  13. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Hi Dazed...the books I mentioned are not Alanon books FYI...you can find them online...hugs for you today!

    Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app
  14. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Welcome, Dazed.

    We are a safe, supportive, often very wise group of parents. (Mostly moms, but there are some dads.) I am happy that you found us. To what others of us have already posted, I would add that an addicted child is among the most painful things that could happen to a parent. We love them so much, and would do anything to help...but nothing we do helps them. As COM posted to you Dazed, your daughter is behaving as she is ~ stealing, lying to you ~ because of the addiction. This has nothing to do with you or with how you raised her. There is nothing, to my knowledge, you can do to help her.

    Another parent posted here once that he had been able to let go of judging either himself or his child, and that helped him to bear what he needed to bear as his child began to self destruct. I have a really hard time with that, but whenever I can manage to stop judging the kids or myself I feel stronger.

    They say there is a genetic component to addiction, and that some of us are hooked from the first dose.

    I am glad to hear that you are looking into such groups as AlAnon. Meeting other parents going through this kind of torture helps keep us sane.

    It's all so unbelievable.

    I am sorry this is happening to you, and to your child, Dazed.

  15. dazed and confused

    dazed and confused New Member

    Thank-you Cedar for your kind words, yes it is so hard.
  16. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    D&C, welcome.

    This is a difficult and devastating path we are on. Your daughter is an addict, so all bets for "normal" behavior are off, she has been taken over by addiction. So, YOU will have to change and get the support you require and the tools you will need to change. You are no longer dealing with your daughter, you are dealing with addiction, with an addict, that's a whole different ball game.

    You may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. You may also want to read the book, Codependent no more by Melodie Beattie. They've been helpful to us.

    The hardest thing any of us face with our adult children is to see the truth of who they have become and begin to detach from that and accept it. It is a huge problem and it takes a lot of support to make that shift in our thinking. But, it can be done.

    If you continue getting the support you need, set the strong boundaries, take care of YOU first and begin the process of detaching, you will begin to feel a lot better.

    I'm glad you're here. Keep posting, it helps.
  17. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    It is so very, very heartbreaking to see what our children will do to anyone in their vicinity to feed an addiction. You can't help her until she sees that addict inside and decides she doesn't want to feed it anymore. I'm so sorry you are in this terrible position.