I am terrified. My heart hurts, like having butterflies...I am so scared for difficult child.
He has been fighting anxiety, I know you have all read the many, many posts of things he is afraid of.
difficult child does not smoke pot. He is afraid of drugs. He tells us of all his friends that do, and sadly most do. Not only pot, that isn't the scary part. it is the pills all the kids are taking. difficult child calls us to come get him when the kids he is with smoke. He won't even hang out with them. He says they are wasting their life and won't waste his time. I HAVE given him drug tests, many times and he is always clean.
I read those sites too. That is what is so scary. He is sad, he is "sick of feeling like this", he is scared and he is afraid of everything. He is becoming less social. Not wanting to leave the house. He IS fighting this. He IS making himself do things, but says it just isn't fun anymore and sees no use in going anywhere. I am afraid of what might happen if he quits fighting.
The most horrible thing is I think I caused it. As I stated so many times, difficult child and I butt heads. I lose control and I say many things I shouldn't. He is like a sponge and scuks it all up. I KNOW better. I KNOW he thinks about everything that is said.
therapist said that he was distraught. He is afraid he isn't loved. Not only does he have me yelling at him about homework, now Dad is too. (I wanted husband involved in school and look what happens).
WE tell difficult child we love him every day. difficult child worries about me and husband. (although there hasn't been any fighting/arguing in weeks) difficult child wants to know how much are salaries are, he worries dad will be laid off (possibility and he listens in on conversations). I TOLD him that he doesn't need to worry. HE will always be taken care of. Again yesterday, I hug him, tell him I love him and he asks how much money I make.
My reply lately is he doesn't EVER have to worry about anything except what is right and what is wrong. If he knows that, he will be fine.
But thinking I caused everything makes me hurt inside so much. If only I knew ten years ago what I know now. Knowing it may never go away, because of me. Loving him so much, wanting so much for him and seeing how I failed him, how I hurt him is destroying me. easy child was right. I did this to him. Everything. All these years. I wanted to help him struggle less and made him hurt more. I pray everyday that difficult child will feel better.
I am so afraid for him I can't even put into words. He is so scared.
If only ONE friend knew how much it would mean to difficult child to have a best friend. If only ONE friend cared enough about difficult child as he does about them, difficult child would be so happy.
I am proud difficult child walks away when drugs are used. I am hurt that nobody cares what it does to difficult child. If only I could just talk to the few kids that don't do drugs. Tell them to call difficult child, tell them how much he admires them, if only I could do that I would.
I think of difficult child every minute of every day. I am so afraid. I hope medication will help him over come these feelings. difficult child is NOT willing to try Paxil or Prozac or any medication that involves weight gain. I pray lexapro will help.