It's something I'm still working on Eliz. I will say though, it gets a little easier to do when they're no longer babies, not much but some.
For me, I have to put the responsibility onto katie. Sometimes that involves me actually having to "tell" myself repeatedly that god gave her those children and they're her responsibility first and foremost. That doesn't mean that from time to time I don't step in to do something to make their lives a little brighter or easier, just means I don't run to rescue with enabling behavior. It can be a fine line to walk. And it can be awfully hard on the heart. Sometimes I have to just refuse to think about certain things that I have no control over changing. Otherwise, I'd have went over the deep end myself by now.
I find myself somewhat in the same role my grandma did with me, and now I fully realize how terribly hard it must have been for her. It makes me appreciate what she did for me even more than I ever did before....and trust me I really appreciated it to begin with. She took me every chance she got and let me stay as long as Mom would let it go on. Mom would demand I come home a day or two here and there just to assure herself she was still in control and so the neighbors wouldn't talk. Grandma, who had to rent, took pains to live near Mom so she could do this easily as she didn't drive.
I am sort of trying to do this with katie's kids although it's harder as I've not yet been able to get kayla for an overnighter, neither has Nichole who has been trying for months now. Helping easy child with her broken leg sort of blew most of my plans for katie's kids for the summer right out of the water....and catching up on stuff I need to do isn't helping either. But I'm still trying to bring them over here when I can. It's looking like it may be this weekend.
There was a time I was in the same situation with Aubrey when Nichole was still being very gfgish, even when she lived with me. But since she was here since birth....I just stole precious moments with her whenever the opportunity arose which was actually quite often. Whenever Mommy was having a bad day or whatever was going on......Nana always had time to listen to her, for a hug, for lap time, to read a story, to sit and play with her. And even though these days Nichole is more easy child than difficult child, that has never changed. Aubrey and I have the same special connection I had with my grandmother.
Actually, now that I think about it, I do this with all the grandkids to varying degrees based on need. I don't know whether other grand parents do it or not, except that mother in law did somewhat similar with my kids. It's making that child feel special, letting them know you think what they have to say (no matter what it is they're saying) is important, it's giving that hug or offering that lap or whatever when the parents don't see the need due to dealing with the child 24/7, but you do due to experience and being an outsider looking in.
It's these moments in my opinion that make a difference in any child's life whether their parents are pcs or difficult children, but especially when their parents are difficult children. This is why extended family has always been so very important. This is where extended family can pick up the slack where certain needs are not being met in the home for whatever reason from gfgdom to just plain busy schedules.
And while it doesn't seem like you're doing much at all, believe it or not, it can be a life saver.
As I'm writing this post I realize that even while currently I haven't been able to do too much for katie's kids.....for kayla and Evan at least, I'm that life line. Kayla also feels that connection with her aunts. She's looking to us for her example of "normal", of how to parent, how to live, for life skills, just as I did my grandma and one of my aunts. When she was here the other day she asked me if I would not only teach her to crochet but to sew, to garden, to cook........
So when I worry (and trust me I do worry when I don't keep my guard up against it) I remind myself that just like with my grandma, all the dozens of little ways of being there and helping do add up and can be huge for the child that needs it. Grandma didn't spoil me with things.....I remember 1 birthday present, period, occasionally she could afford a dollar toy at kressges or woolworths......she spoiled me with her time, her patience, her attention, her example, and her unwavering love, which is what I really needed. (my aunt did too whenever I saw her)
Once again I rely on what my grandma taught me by example, and I trust in it. She's not failed me yet. So, instead of worrying myself sick over the gfgdom I can't control, I focus on the moments that I can control and make the most out of them.
Hugs