Devastated by his death. Long and rambling.....

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by DazedandConfused, Sep 27, 2007.

  1. DazedandConfused

    DazedandConfused Active Member

    I can’t get a hold of anybody. No one is answering their phones! Including husband. So, here I am at the computer sharing this with all of you.

    As I write this, my Stepfather is being taken off life support. He had a massive heart attack yesterday morning in the ER and after 30 minutes of work, they got a pulse. However, 30 minutes of no oxygen to his brain, I think everyone knows what that means.
    He’s gone.

    He was 49. I know, only a few years older than me. It’s a very long story. But, basically, he’s 13 years younger than my Mom. She met him right after she split with my Dad after 22 years of a disastrous marriage. He was 22, and my Mom was 36. Yes, I had an extremely hard time accepting him. And, frankly, he and my Mom screwed up badly when it came to us kids who were severely traumatized by our Father’s behavior.

    Anyway, after I got married and had children, my stepfather was Grandfather to my kids. My own father never cared, or paid much attention.

    My stepfather, or Papaw, was WONDERFUL to my kids and they adored him. He IS their grandfather. He built things for them and took them places with my Mom. Every summer my Mom and Papaw took them on a trip to the beach where they would boogie board to their heart’s delight for days.

    I’m devastated, absolutely crushed, and heart broken for my children. I would always think to myself how lucky my kids were because they had such a young grandfather. And, now he’s gone.

    Yesterday, Daughter and I spent all day at the hospital. Daughter, who struggles with anxiety anyway, was so scared to see him. They had him in the cardiac ICU hooked up with every pumping and breathing apparatus ever invented by man. Daughter stroked his arm, told him she loved him, sat with him, and then kissed him on the forehead good-bye. I took a picture of that. It may be morbid now, but years from now it will make sense.

    I was very afraid of taking Son. First off, he’s struggling to understand. That would be true of any child, but for Son, it’s extremely difficult. He saw the pictures of Papaw and Daughter. I figured this would help with any shock he might feel at seeing him that way. I wanted to make a bridge for him.Because of the suddenness of what happened, I knew he needed to see him. Some parents might disagree, but Son was so close to him. He needed that bridge from one day Papaw is fine and the next day he’s passed away.

    I didn’t push, I merely mentioned that would ask permission for him to see his Papaw because of the age requirement. Through my sister, the nurse in charge of the unit gave him permission for a very quick (I was going to make it fast anyway) visit at 8pm after regular visiting hours. We walked in holding hands. Son did such a good job. He touched him and told him he loved him. I told him it was okay to cry. And Son burst into tears.

    We left and went home.

    ****I was unable to post this yesterday when I wrote it, husband finally called back****

    Papaw went to Hospice after he was taken off life support. He died this morning at 3:30am. Interestingly, that is when I woke up and couldn’t get back to sleep. My sister calls me at 4:20am to tell me he had passed. When the kids got up for school, I told them. It was expected, so no shock. Just deep sadness. Son still doesn’t get it. “I’m going to tell those doctors they need to make Papaw be alive, NOW”. Then, “I guess he can’t fix my bike anymore”.

    We all live on the same street. So, at least I’m close. But, my kids were used seeing him nearly everyday. Oh, geez! This is going to be so damn hard! Life :censored2:! (I know that is going to be censored. Don’t worry, it wasn’t profane). Why him??? I’m not religious at all. In fact, from that angle, it only infuriates me more.

    My Mom is doing quite well. Stepfather was the love of her life. They were going to be married 22 years next month. She has never been on her own. She married my Dad at 14.

    I know you all don’t know me and I know I’m rambling.

    But, I just need to make this “public” somewhere.

    Dear Will,

    Inspite of everything that went down between you and I, it had been water under the bridge for many years. I know you felt guilty about what happened in the beginning. I got over it. Especially after “A” was diagnosed with leukemia. It just didn’t matter anymore.

    You were such a wonderful husband to my Mom. She adored you and you adored her. You were such a fantastic grandfather to my kids. Thank you for everything you ever did for them. I’m so very sorry you left us so soon. I’m going to miss you. “C” is going to miss you. The world was better because you were in it.

    I love you!


    If you got this far reading this. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.:crying::crying: :crying:

  2. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh Dazed. Im so sorry.

    Many hugs going to you and your family at this time. I cant imagine your pain. He was so young.
  3. KFld

    KFld New Member

    I am so so sorry. Having just lost my mom a month ago and making the trip to say goodbye to her while she was in hospice, my heart is breaking for you.

    I'm so glad your children had the courage to go see him. Myself, my sister and my brother all had the chance to say goodbye to my mom. I was terrified of how my brother would handle it, and he was actually there when she died and the way he described it to me almost made me jealous that I wasn't. I left a week before she died.

    Your stepdad was so very young. I know this is terribly hard, but someday you will be able to cherish the time that you had with him. Not that you don't already, but hopefully someday that will overtake the sadness and give you peace and happiness for the time you shared with him.

    Take care of yourself and grieve. I hope you have tons of family around to support you.

    I will be thinking of you (((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
  4. SRL

    SRL Active Member

    Heartfelt prayers for you today, Dazed.

  5. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Dazed, so sorry for your family's loss.
    prayers being sent your way.

  6. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    tears falling as I read your post. peace to you and yours. so glad this man was a part of your life as well as there for your kids. sigh.
  7. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    :crying: Oh dazed, your letter is beautiful, thank you for sharing it with us. I am crying - the love you express is so lovely.

    I am so sorry for your family's loss and I hope that in the coming weeks, you all can begin to heal. :angel:
  8. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    So, so sorry. What a young man. It sounds like you handled it beautifully for your kids. I''m sure your family will greatly miss him. Take care.

  9. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry for your loss.
  10. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Dear Dazed,

    If he felt a teaspoon of the love that is so clear in your post, he died a happy man. Few are those who pass knowing they've brought such love and joy to a family, and you made it obvious that he did.

    God bless you and yours,

  11. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    I'm sooo very sorry for your loss. It's obvious your stepdad is going to be very missed. You were fortunate to have him become part of your family. He sounds like a very special person.

  12. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Grandpa

    I am in tears from reading your post. I'm the same age and also a "Papaw" (and surrogate dad) to my little 6yo granddaughter.

    I am just so sorry.
  13. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am so sorry for your loss. My stepfather was more of a father to me and a GREAT Papa to my difficult child. I am so sorry. You are in such grief.

    Sending many hugs and shoulders to cry upon.

  14. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Can't even find the words! I am so deeply sorry for your loss.

    Heartfelt prayers for you and your family, especially the grandkids.
  15. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I'm sorry for your loss. He sounds like he was a truly good man. I'm glad your children had such a loving grandfather and your mother had the privilege of being with the love of her life for 22 years. May you all cherish his memory as I'm sure you will.
  16. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    So sorry. It must be so hard for you. Saying a prayer for you.
  17. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    Oh Dazed, how sad for you and your family. He was SO young! That has to make it harder than ever. My prayers are with all of you, but especially your mom.

  18. mrscatinthehat

    mrscatinthehat Seussical

    Thinking of you and your family at this time.

  19. PonyGirl

    PonyGirl Warrior Parent

    Thanks for sharing your heartfelt words & feelings here with us. Gentle ((((HUGS)))) and strong prayers coming your way tonite & in the days to come.

  20. Sheila

    Sheila Moderator

    So very sorry. Hugs