difficult child calling from Detox

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Payla, Feb 14, 2013.

  1. Payla

    Payla New Member

    difficult child got himself a bed in detox so that was good. Even though I told him we weren't helping him financially when he got out, sure enough 4 days later the voicemails are coming. I am going to avoid talking to him. I just don't have anything left in arguing with him. It is frustrating and still painful. Sometimes I wish I could go away and come back in a year and see how things went!
     
  2. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Must be so hard, I wish you could do that, just get away...and I wish the result would be that he was pulling it all together.

    Sending you hugs and strength, and a little peace and quiet.
     
  3. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    I used to day dream about being on a small island, just by myself! At some point in their lives they have to be self sufficent, my 34 yo is still working on it.

    Try to detact as much as you can for your own sanity. I know how stressful it can be.
    (((huggs)))
     
  4. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hang in there Payla, you're doing GREAT. It is frustrating and painful, gosh, I know. Allow him to be in his own pain, the discomfort he feels is how he will discover his own strength. I know that feeling too, wouldn't it be great if there was a place we parents could go for R&R, a respite for us, a peaceful, serene, nurturing environment where we could heal our wounded and broken hearts, let the sun shine on us and bathe in warm waters so we could just let go...............just let go............many hugs for you Payla, take it one moment at a time..............
     
  5. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    He is leaving you voicemails because he wants your financial assistance? I am so sorry. You set clear boundries and he is still trying to get you to back down. He is 33 and it is time for him to change and make his own way. Hold your ground you'll need your resources to retire comfortably. -RM
     
  6. Payla

    Payla New Member

    Thank you all; as usual such a source of strength. I feel so blessed that I found this site.
     
  7. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    What is happening with difficult child today, Payla?
     
  8. Payla

    Payla New Member

    I got many calls and messages at work thurs and Friday, I didn't answer or listen to any of them. My daughter called Friday and said please at least talk to him and a counselor on Monday when you get back from weekend at youngest PCs school. So I will talk to counselor. difficult child siad something about them trying to get him a residential bed but it will cost money. Also, car got impounded as he ran out gas on way to detox. Implication is that we are going to be asked to pay for car and bed. I have to say no to bed and I'm thinking about car. It is our car and we don't need it but I am struggling with what to do. I will just wait to listen to counselor . I have expected that he would just resume the pleas for help after detox, and it hurts to say no while he is trying, but I just can't go back to supporting him. It is his underlying problem separate from the drug use. What a burden this is.
     
  9. Payla

    Payla New Member

    I need to clarify that I don't want to pay for bed because he can get one for uninsured and I am sure he has told someone that we could pay forit. We are 10's and 10's of thousands of dollars down in "helping" difficult child for past 15 years
     
  10. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    Payla,
    I have the same problem with my difficult child. At 34yo I am certain he would still be living at home if I allowed it. He quit his job to go to college full time, whow in the h*** did he think was going to support him, asking for money constantly. I am retired and my income will never get higher unless I go back to work. Plus the sky high BiPolar (BP) from the stress.

    He always has rocky relationships but this one he is in now is the worse. I know the drugs and alcohol made his problems worse, but I have finally accepted that it is his choice and there is nothing I can do about it.

    Your son will continue to call, beg and plead, becuase he knows he can wear you down, just as mine does. My son was so hateful and nasty when I told him no and stuck to it.

    They are adults, as long as we continue to give them money they will continue to ask. As much as it hurts, my son can live on the streets and eat in the soup kitchens, it's his life and his choices.

    At his age I am surprised that the counselor is calling you, unless it is because he has told them you will pay his expenses.
     
  11. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Payla, 10's and 10's of thousands is ENOUGH. Social workers and counselors will mostly always try to get the family to pay, to assist, to do what they can, I think it's just part of how it's done. Say NO. No to all demands. You've done a great job of detaching, I applaud you because I truly understand the heart wrenching challenge it really is............he is on his way to learning to be as responsible for himself as he can be, LET HIM. I send you truckloads of hugs and support...............
     
  12. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    Stay strong, Payla! Don't give in, you've done enough! We are all behind you...
     
  13. Payla

    Payla New Member

    Thank you all. We are picking him up and dropping him off somewhere tomorrow morn. Car is impounded somewhere and im not adressing that tomorrow. No counselors were working today or tomorrow, I called and asked. He says they are trying to find him bed in sober house but 7 days are up at detox. husband is going with me so he won't try to work me. It is unlikely he really has a place to stay but he says we are to drop him at some woman's house. The story may change when we get hin in car so if it does we drop him at local shelter. Why are we picking him up? I guess not ready to turn our backs 100% when he has at leat gone to detox. My eyes are wide open but my heart is hurting to see what has become of my son.
     
  14. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I completely understand your statement, "my eyes are wide open but my heart is hurting to see what has become of my son." I know first hand, exactly what that feels like. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I wish there was a magic wand to wave to make him okay. My heart goes out to you, stay strong, stay the course, in spite of all of those feelings, I believe you are doing the right and the appropriate thing.
     
  15. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    Hugs...continue to stay strong...let us know what happens!
     
  16. Payla

    Payla New Member

    Dropped him in a depressing neighborhood. I can't stop crying after watching him walk down street. I feel such a sense of loss. The reward for detaching is heart break because you truly accept that you can't fix him oR rescue him and you have to feel the loss. I feel like I lost a child today.
     
  17. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh Payla, geez, I know, I am so sorry. Yes, heartbreak is the result of accepting that we cannot fix or rescue, I so understand your broken heart seeing him walk away from you. I have no idea what the outcome will be, however, what occurred to me reading your post, is yes, you may have lost a child today, but perhaps, at some point down the road, you will have gained an adult male who can figure out how to care for himself. You are following what your gut is telling you to do, I believe you are doing the right thing too, and I do understand, profoundly, how hard that is and how much that hurts you. Try to do something nurturing and supportive for you today, keep yourself well taken care of as you go through this. It does ease up, hang in there. My heart is right there with you.
     
  18. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    We are here with you, Payla. It's as Recovering said: perhaps the son who returns to you one day will be the man you raised him to be.

    Holding you and your son in my thoughts.

    Barbara
     
  19. Payla

    Payla New Member

    I think I am facing how profoundly disfunctional he is and I am not too hopeful that he will become healthy or self sufficient. Not 2 hours after we dropped him off he called saying he dropped his last bit of money in our car and could I money gram him some. There was no money in car. He started to tell me how screwed he was and he wanted to take a bus to shelter here in our town, after we drove him 1 hour north and had offered to bring him to shelter here! I hung up and unplugged the phone. I have to say I have never been so depressed in my life. It is like the reality is just too much!!! The future is full odd plenty of more sadness and drama . My boundaries are firm but they don't protect you from dealing with such sadness and stress.
     
  20. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    No your firm boundaries do not protect you from the devastating reality. I feel much of this too..........it comes in waves, as each level of reality becomes obvious. I so know the sense that the reality is "just too much," it sure feels that way. There is no way out but through those feelings and I can tell you from my experience, those intense feelings do diminish as we feel them and as time passes. It's always remarkable to me how we humans can adapt. Today may be your worst day in this journey, hang in there, many of us know your heartbreak, we're right here with you, I'm saying a prayer for you and your son.................gentle, compassionate hugs coming your way...........
     
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