difficult child confessed to husband

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Nancy, Mar 15, 2012.

  1. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    husband called difficult child today to make arrangements for her to come over to transfer the car title into her name and get her own insurance. She confessed that she has been drinking since November and coccassionally smoking pot and says she does not think she is an alcoholic. She said nothing bad has happened yet and she's been doing this for months now.

    Of course husband told her she was wrong and that sooner or later a lot of bad things were going to happen to her. She said she didn't have the money now for insurance and could we wait until her next payday and he said no we could no longer carry her on our insurance because she is no longer living her and using and we could not take that risk.

    He told her that we were very dispapointed and that I would be devastated. She asked him to not cut off all communication with her. He told her we would always love her but would not enable her at all anymore.

    So there we have it. I don't think she's ever been sober for more than 60 days.

  2. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh Nancy, I am so sorry. I think your husband had the perfect response.

    What will she do about the insurance? I think I would have been tempted to get a policy in her name and pay the first premium to hold her over to pay day. My difficult child has her own policy and it is only $70 a month. Of course, that is for liability only . . . the car is not worth enough to carry collision on it.

    Have you thought about your level of interaction with her now that you know that she has been drinking and smoking pot?


  3. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Guest


    I'm glad your husband is handling some of this so you can be spared a bit. Sounds like the realities of life are being dealt with by all. You know more about this than I do, but detachment and handing them back their own problems is the only way to sanity - for everyone.

    You hate to see them do this again. At least she did admit it, that's a step in the right direction.

    Sending you prayers and hugs....
  4. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    husband told me he is considering paying the first premium and I said no, if she has $240 for pot last week she can find the money. She took another $150 out last night. She has $300 in the bank and has paid no bills yet and rent will be due in two weeks.

    I told husband I did not want to be here Saturday and he said I probably shouldn't be. I won't contact her again. She has made it clear that she is going to continue drinking/smoking and I won't watch it. If she wants contact with us she will have to initiate it and I suspect that won't happen....until she either gets arrested, kicked out of her apartment or losses her job.

    I found insurance for $220 for six months, state minimum of liability. The car isn't worth it if it gets stolen or totalled.

    Last edited: Mar 15, 2012
  5. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Nancy - :hugs: - you and your husband are doing everything you can, for yourselves - and that is how it should be, now.

    You could come visit ME on Saturday!!!
  6. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I hope she doesn't reach out to Mom for help. I know you are devestated because you so badly wanted to believe that she had turned a major corner. Just remember we all get stronger with the passage of time and a little less vulnerable with each affront. Good thing your husband handled the situation. Great team work. Hugs DDD
  7. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    Heartbreaking Nancy. You are doing all the tough stuff, which I admire you for. I'm glad she came clean. I hope that she pulls herself up and reaches out. A big hug and hope you do something you would love on Saturday.
  8. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Wow, that's cheap for car insurance. She should certainly be able to pay $37 a month.

    Everyone needs to decide what level of interaction works for them. It sounds like you need a complete break for a while. I took several of those with my difficult child.

    You have an open invitation to visit me in the sunny south. It is beautiful here in the springtime. It is supposed to reach 81 degrees today.


  9. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    It's more expensive if she pays monthly and also she gets a $50 one time discount for signing up on line. So the next six month premium will be more. It's still cheap but it is bare minimum. So be it.

  10. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    That's all my difficult child has . . . the bare minimum. I figure it is all she needs. What could happen if someone sues her? You can't get blood from a stone.
  11. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Oh Nancy this is so hard.... and the lies and pretending to be sober. Ugh. As you know I have been there....and my difficult child does not sound like he is all that serioius even though he is in rehab.

    My concern about the insurance, given that she has yet to pay other bills is that she will continue to drive without insurance! That is worrisome...and of course given that she is not sober an accident is more likely or at least getting caught without driving with insurance. So maybe the not enabling part of you just lets that happen but I would be pretty uncomfortable with that myself.

    Definitely need to get her off your insurance. Is the car in her name... is there any way you can make sure she actually pays for the insurance? If she doesn't take the car? I don't know the answer, just thinking out loud.

  12. vligrl

    vligrl New Member

    Very heartbreaking Nancy. I feel you are doing the right thing letting her go her own way, come what may. You have a life to live as well. Time for her to live her's on her own terms, good or bad. Easier said than done, I know but continuing to give to her only prolongs the lessons. Feel for you big time.
  13. pinevalley

    pinevalley Member

    I know how hard this is for you. We all want to believe so badly that our difficult child's are staying away from drugs and alcohol. It is heartbreaking to find out that they have relapsed once again.

    I'm so glad that your h handled your difficult child today. Now is the time to take care of yourself. Too bad we all can't have a CD reunion on Saturday. That sounds like fun!
  14. Signorina

    Signorina Guest


    That said, somehow I always expect that "doing the right things" will actually feel "right" and then I am gobsmacked by hurt.

    And there's that part of me who just wants my kid to LIKE me again.

    So...stay strong dear friend, lean on us, know you are doing the hard work even though she won't and REMEMBER: if you don't stand for something; you will fall for anything.

    Do something wonderful for yourself on Saturday! Spa day with easy child?
  15. FlowerGarden

    FlowerGarden Active Member

    I am glad you are getting her off your insurance. We did that recently with our difficult child. Hope you get out and do something for yourself on Saturday. It is heartbreaking watching our difficult children destroy their lives.
  16. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    We added difficult child#1's car to our policy and with just the basics required by law it is $40 bucks a month. He is slowly making progress and I don't want law enforcement to have an excuse to mess with him. It's a hard decision. Hugs DDD
  17. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    It doesn't seem like she has a cushion of "rainy day" money. Gas prices, food, dog food, etc. are so high right now, add to that car insurance, then "party" items like pot & alcohol - OMG! where is the money going to come from? Do you know anything about the guy she's living with? Is he working? It just doesn't make sense on so many levels. I think maybe the walls are going to close in on her very soon, and she's going to have to reconsider her attempt at "living in the real world." I understand and empathize with her wanting, on the most basic level, to live an independent, grown-up life. She is successfully working right now. She's not just bumming around, being lazy and unmotivated. I'm certain she doesn't want to disappoint you or husband, and she wants to leave the communication door open. She is not lost. But why do they have "magical thinking" - you know, "I can drink and smoke pot on occasion, nothing bad happened." She has so many of the criteria for successfully putting her life together, but then she stops all access to sober living. Maybe husband can talk some sense into her on Saturday. I hope she would be receptive.
  18. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I want you to know I listen to you and take your advice seriously. I talked to husband tonight and we agreed to pay her first six month policy and then it is up to her. husband felt strongly that he was much more comfortable with that scenario, knowing there is no way she can afford the insurance on her own now. I doubt whether she will even have the car in six months, but if she does she should be able to save enough by then to take it over.

    Once we do that the only thing we are still paying for is her cell phone. Neither of us is willing to cut that off right now.

  19. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Such tough decisions Nancy. Hugs to both you and husband....
  20. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    For what it is worth . . . I would have done the same thing. Having a car with insurance is important for her to get back and forth to work. husband and I have already resigned ourselves to paying for our difficult child's car insurance for the next six months.

    I figure that they will pay to keep a roof over their heads and food in their mouths (not to mention cigarettes) but I am not so sure about car insurance.

    It's great that you and your husband and talk things out and can come to a decision together.