difficult child is making noises about moving home

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by dstc_99, Apr 16, 2014.

  1. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    The day after difficult child got back to her apartment I started getting texts. All of them are along the line of I never should have come back here and she is fighting with boyfriend. husband and I have been discussing it and while we would be happy to have her back here we are concerned about the fighting. easy child feels like she can’t trust difficult child even though difficult child never really did anything to her other than cause household stress.

    I guess I need some guidance on what type of guidelines/talks I need to have with husband, easy child, and difficult child. There have to be some rules or understandings about what we will and will not put up with.

    Anybody have any guidelines for when their kids move back home? I want to be prepared!
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    For all my over 18 kids:

    1/chores
    2/no disrespect
    3/curfew
    4/nothing illegal in my house and no smoking either.
    5/Not in school? Full time job.
    6/Don't ask for money. Help with your bills.
    7. No staying out all night unless you call to let me know because I get nervous.
    In her case, I'd add that if she leaves again she can not come back.

    That's pretty much what we enforced.
     
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  3. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    I am always too vulnerable to my kids when they move home. I am so happy to see them. Old patterns swamp me. I do the laundry, cook, watch the kids. difficult child son forbid me to do that last time he was home. When they left? They left their room spotless.

    When difficult child daughter leaves?

    Total, total chaos.

    So I am not good with the when they come home stuff.

    I like what MWM said, very much.

    Cedar
     
  4. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member

    I like what MWM said, too.

    It is so tricky for adult kids to move home. Adults living in your home. Just thinking about the issues is a worry. It is difficult when rule-abiding adult relatives visit and stay a few days.

    and a difficult child adult, where rules/guidelines/parameters have seldom, if ever. worked???

    Not thinking I could do that. With our two easy child's, yes. With difficult child? naaaahhhhhh
     
  5. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Just reading your post and thinking about my difficult child ever moving back here made my stomach hurt.

    I truly don't want any other "child adults" living here. Staying here for three or four nights at the most as a guest is what easy child and his fiancee do, and I'm always glad to see them and glad when they are going back home.

    I'm just not sure God intended for all of these related adults to live under the same roof.

    But that's just me.
     
  6. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    difficult child son was the younger of my two children. easy child with a bullet. As difficult child daughter began acting out, running away, going to treatment ~ just generally sucking all the air out of the room ~ the necessary balance that should exist in a home was destroyed. husband and I were unhappy, I was guilt ridden. People told us and told us "Don't worry so much about difficult child daughter. Parent easy child son." He was such a straight arrow ~ funny, handsome, popular, so bright. He wanted and worked a paper route before he could drive. Was hired at a classy dinner club at 16, where he would have worked his way up to bartender and done that through college. The next year, he was running for Student Council President...and then all at once it seemed, he was gone.

    I don't know that we've seen our real son more than two or three times, since then.

    He hated it when difficult child would come home from one treatment
    center or another. Hated the terrible people she hung around with and brought to the house. Hated that she would go into his room, that his parents' attention was all about difficult child daughter and the police and the courts and the bad people....

    If there is any way to do it, if there is anywhere else she can go, don't let difficult child daughter come home. Though I post about difficult child son being responsible for what he did, and that is true...I don't believe he would have turned his life into what it became had we followed recommendations and refused to allow difficult child daughter to come home.

    You don't want to lose easy child 13.

    Cedar
     
  7. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    I like MWM's rules too but honestly difficult child will never move back into our house. That "causing household stress" is a big one with him and trying to prevent it with rules and basic expectations of reasonable behavior never seems to work. "You never TOLD me I couldn't get high in the driveway, you said no drugs in the HOUSE" and "I DIDN'T stay out all night, I was home by 4:30" kind of stuff.
     
  8. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    I just want to point out that d's difficult child is only 18....I do feel like that is a bit different than some of our older ones.

    MWM's rules are great, and they are the same as mine.

    Here is the thing though...difficult child can never live up to the rules. He always leaves or I throw him out after sometimes as little as 24 hours. Last year he made it about a month. But it just doesn't work. Just sayin'. There is a reason they aren't home right now.

    Which isn't to say you shouldn't try...make the rules clear, up front, absolute, and show her the door in the nicest possible manner the second she breaks one. Be sure she understands that you are not responsible for waiting till she figures out her next housing situation if things don't work with you. If she breaks the rules, she leaves. Not, if she breaks the rules then she has to start looking for somewhere else and can stay with you while she does so.

    That is probably what I would do in your shoes...with all the usual disclaimers!

    Echo
     
  9. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Thanks guys!

    Trust me if I had half the issues with my difficult child that some of you are facing she would not be moving back. My difficult child basically just has issues with disrespect and anger. She has never had issues with drug addiction, alchohol addiction, or been in treatment other than generic therapy. I am very aware that things will have to be monitored and changes made immediately if she doesn't comply.

    I really like the rules MWM has. They are simple and direct. She can follow all of them with little effort except for the disrespect and that is the area we will be working on. I may add to the rules that she must attend counseling either with me or by herself. I wont allow her anger and disrespect to disrupt the house and easy child's life like it did before.

    When I talked to easy child about it last night she once again started on being mad at difficult child for all she has done to us. I told her I want her to think about the things difficult child has done to her and let us worry about the things difficult child has done to us. We have moved on from them and don't want them making her upset. All she needs to worry about is herself and getting over her issues with difficult child in a healthy way.

    Right now it looks like we will be shipping her car here and flying her out. It is cheaper that way. Basically she only has clothes she needs to move and all the furniture can go to my parents. A few of the cheap items I told her to offer to the boyfriend since they are WalMart stuff and wouldn't survive long term storage. He didn't apply for housing at college since they were planning to live together next year so he will need furniture and she doesn't care about it anyway.

    When I talked to difficult child last night I mentioned we wouldn't be dealing with all the stress and disrespect and she seemed ok with that. None of the normal attitute she doles out was apparent. Mostly I think she is just really upset that she and boyfriend broke up. That I can understand. I mean they were in LOVE! LOL
     
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    36 could never follow or rules thus 36 can never live back here.''

    in my opinion dcts, your daughter is upset about her boyfrienid. That does not mean she will change in the long term as her ardor fails. I don't think that is a good reason for her to want to come home...wanting to be away from boyfriend. I would approach this with caution and no expectations. It is best...you won't be shocked or get hurt if you realize that you don't know if anything will be different than before and that the boyfriend, not MISSING YOU, was her catalyst for wanting to move. Don't feel bad. difficult children don't think much of our feelings. They often care much more about Abusive Boy/Girlfriend. It is a common trait. And your parents need strict boundaries to stay out of things or she may try to play you against them again. That, if it were me, would be a dealbreaker if she ever did that again.
     
  11. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    How do these sound?

    1/Chores
    2/No disrespect
    3/Curfew that we all agree upon.
    4/Attend monthly counseling either alone or with a parent.
    5/Full time job or several part time jobs.
    6/Don't ask for money for extras. IE: Hair, makeup, gas.....we will HELP with clothing and car maintenance.
    7/No staying out all night unless you call to let us know because we get nervous.
    8/No men in the house overnight.
    9/Never leave Caity at home alone with a man in the house. If you leave they have to go with you.
    I told her dad we should add that if she decides to leave again we will not help her move unless it is for college or a career.

    We live on a military base and have never had any issues with illegal activity with her so I took the illegal substance part out. She knows if she got caught with it on base it is not pretty for her dad ie: the money man. She wont even take Tylenol without being forced so i don't see a pill issue either. Cigarettes are her arch nemesis. She gives me dirty looks if I sneak one when friends are over. LOL
     
  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I would add she can't play grandparents against you and that if she calls them against you again or leaves to live with them again, they are stuck with her. That was emotionally abusive and mean all the way around.
     
  13. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Good approach anytime, regardless of boyfriend issues!

    DSTC, your difficult child is only 18, and that is still very young.

    The only other thing I can think of is establishing ahead of time what happens if the rules aren't followed.
     
  14. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Yes. Very important to establish consequences. It will be a good thing to have established some guidelines now, while things are still quiet.

    difficult child daughter especially enjoyed invading her brother's room and messing with his things. One time, she "somehow" closed the door while her bird was in there, and it pooped all over difficult child son's bedroom and closet.

    husband was home? And by the time I got there? All H*ll had broken loose.

    difficult child daughter was very good at creating crisis situations like that.

    Cedar
     
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