Disciplining my son

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by I'm going crazy!!!, Nov 5, 2007.

  1. I'm going crazy!!!

    I'm going crazy!!! New Member

    I have a hard time physically disciplinging my son when everything i've read says his behavior is not his completely under his control and no i have not had the chance to get the explosive child book i just found out about it this past week and we live in a very small town and don't get out much because of difficult child but i promise i will get it and i know it will probably have all these wonderful ideas in it but until then please give me your honest opinion don't hold back i can take it my family has been doubting me for the last 2 or 3 years anyway so bring it on lol it was a rough weekend but i'm feeling better now that i get to escape to work lol i'm not gonna even think about how pitiful it is to look forward to monday
  2. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Physical discipline rarely works for our kids anyway. It just teaches them that violence is acceptable. Sadly, what works one day will often not work the next. As you said, they can't always control their behavior, the impulse control mechanism is just plain missing. Sometimes you can teach it to them, many times you can't and you just have to wait for them to grow up. So, here's another vote for skipping the physical discipline.

    Rewards frequently work better than consequences, especially with the younger ones. Often, a combination of consequences and rewards is the trick. Make the rules very clear and put them on posters he can understand. You can also have a reward chart (this was a disaster for me because my daughter would have a meltdown if she didn't earn a star) for things like no meltdowns for one hour=a star, etc. Doing things in 15-minute increments can be useful. I found that if my daughter did her homework in 15-minute spurts with 5-10 minutes in between of something like snacks, music, tv, it got the homework done with less meltdowns.

    You can order The Explosive Child through Amazon. Also, your local library probably has a copy. Most do.

    (Isn't it nice to not get blasted and actually have your opinion validated?)
  3. Sheila

    Sheila Moderator

    We sometimes forget that "discipline" mean "to teach."

    It's hard, paricularly if you're not sure what is going on and if appropriate medication doesn't help.

    With my difficult child, if he was being "willful," the threat of a spanking would get his attention.

    If it's a repetitive behavior such as lack of impulse control, no amount of physical discipline will correct the problem in my opinion unless the child is so fearful of physical discipline that s/he hyperfocuses. When this happens, they start to fail in other areas and problems such as anxiety, depression, etc., can be triggered.

    Behavior role modeling, formal management plans, redirecting, and lots of patience is about the best I've ever been able to do. If our difficult child's behavior is disability related, it takes a l-o-n-g time for him to "get it."

    Age and maturity helps. But I always have to keep in mind the 2/3rds rule with-my ADHDer. What I mean by this is if you have a 6 yrs old that "acts like" a +/-4 yr old, you have to keep that in mind when disciplining.

    If you can list some specific behaviors, we may be able to give you some ideas.
  4. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Hi! Don't go nuts getting "The Explosive Child". Check on Amazon and they sometimes have used copies.

    Don't let your family's disapproval grate on your nerves. Until they live it on a daily basis, then their opinion is exactly that. An opinion.

    And don't feel bad about looking forward to Monday. I describe Monday as my first day of MY weekend!!!

  5. I'm going crazy!!!

    I'm going crazy!!! New Member

    ok here are some of the most recent behaviors

    when it's time to come off of the computer difficult child goes balistic
    now last night my husband got difficult child off and difficult child went to his room and started to throw things my husband went in gave medications and explained to him that if he did not yell or throw anything then today after he did his homework he could play on the computer it's my turn to get him off of it when i get home yay for me lol

    definition of balistic: ear piercing screams never heard those huh lol, kicking, squeezing, he tried to bite me once but i told him i would bite him back and he knows i always do what i say even if he does like to argue about it lol, name calling, ex. saturday i was a baby dork meanie i told him i didn't care and he told me he didn't love me oh boy what rewarding work we do lol
    I have tried to do what my husband did last night it doesn't work!!! it won't work with husband for long either sorry that just makes me feel better

    basically this is what he does almost anytime he can't do what he wants at home at school he is still listening very well the assistant teacher will take him to the side and explain to him why he can't do that whatever it is and they seem to be satisfied right now with the results he also sits beside her at lunch lol she tries to keep him from name calling i'm just hoping he grows out of it

    let me know if you need anymore examples but that is really the biggest problem right now husband thinks we should take computer away but i think he would just find something else to have a melt down about and he is starting to learn that it's just a game on the cpu and that he can just keep trying until he gets it and i think that's huge because he use to give up at everything because he thought it was too hard if he couldn't instantly get it so i thank God that has gotten better
  6. Sheila

    Sheila Moderator

    Sounds like it may be related to a transitioning.

    It helped for us to give difficult child some lead time, e.g., cuing him that bedtime is in 15 min, bedtime in 10 minutes, bedtime in 5 minutes, then bedtime. He just couldn't switch gears quickly (still a problem sometimes).

    It didn't have to "bedtime," to cause a problem. Bath time, dinner time, time to leave, time to go home, time to turn the tv off, whatever..... It one reason why a consistent routine is important to many of our kids. They function better in a very structured environment. Mine did, anyway.

    Also, ADHD kids live in the moment. Your child probably has no real concept of time except to him "tomorrow" is a lifetime away.
  7. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    One thing that helped my daughter was a timer. Transitioning really didn't work well when she hyperfocused and tv, computer definitely put her into hyperfocusing. However, at things like playing at the park, getting ready to go somewhere or the like, transitioning definitely made it much easier to be able to go. Those gentle reminders seemed to get her attention in an acceptable way and it also gave her time to adjust her mindset to the next activity. If it was a thing that she would hyperfocus on, I would put the timer where she could see and hear it but not easily reach it. This let her look and see how much time was left. More importantly, it was the timer telling her to quit, not me. It really did help.

    You could try telling him before he starts playing that he has X amount of time and if he will leave it without having a tantrum, he can play it again the next day. However, if he has a tantrum, then he is going to have to wait two whole days to play on the computer again. This is hard for a little one to really understand -- tomorrow is as far away as the moon -- but little by little, he will get it.
  8. I'm going crazy!!!

    I'm going crazy!!! New Member

    even with a warning unfortunately he still melts down to the point where i just pick him up and take him to his room atleast this time he quit rather quickly lol 5 minutes of name calling and screaming but hey i can take it lol
  9. I'm going crazy!!!

    I'm going crazy!!! New Member

    we have tried this and he still melts down and eventually he'll just act like he doesn't care
  10. I'm going crazy!!!

    I'm going crazy!!! New Member

    I'm not trying to buck every idea ya'll give it's just stuff i've tried before but be sure that i will discuss this with husband and we will decide what we think is best
  11. Sharon1974

    Sharon1974 New Member

    JK has a very difficult time with transitioning as well. I have listened many times to the screams of "I hate you!", "You're stupid", and "I don't care." And I have lived through the stomping, and body throwing, and the ripping a room apart, etc. etc. I know it feels like nothing will work. And I don't think that anything will, not all the time anyway.

    I have found that rewarding is very effective. I sat JK down and explained what I expected of him. We wrote a daily routine of what he was expected to do and when. How long it should take to do each of the things as well. I would try something like this. If he earns a certain number of stickers (or whatever) then he can have some computer time at --- O'clock. Tell him how much computer time he will get and then set a timer. Remind him periodically how much time he has left. When there is only about 2 minutes left start talking about how if he gets right off with no problems when the timer goes off he may be able to have computer time again tomorrow, if not - then there won't be any computer time tomorrow. He may still meltdown but try it for a month, and show no emotion when he gets upset (this means you can't get upset back, just be matter of fact). Sometimes it takes a while to change bad habits (this is what our psychiatrist says anyway). You may notice at the end of the month that the meltdowns are less often or less intense.

    I am sure your child is not the same as mine, but I have found with JK that he needs to know what to expect - always.

    Hope you find my advise useful, if not, then sorry.
  12. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Get your hands on that "Explosive Child" book YESTERDAY.

    It really is a big help. In summary, since our kids find transition (and other minor things) to be so difficult, this book explains how to pick our battles. It has not helped everyone on the board, but it has helped many.

    Spanking, yelling, threatening...all pretty counter-productive with our kids. See if you can get to the library for a copy.
  13. tinamarie1

    tinamarie1 Member

    The time limits and knowing in advance ie: "you now have 5 minutes remaining on the computer" does work in our case. but, it wasn't easy, i am the first to admit that I am not consistent with new things. So when we first started this, difficult child fought, cried, fell on the floor like we had just done something horrific. But in time he got used to it. And it helps him transition.
    I think you will find that most of the board members if not all don't use spanking as a regular means of discipline. I would venture to say that if their kids are like mine, it sends difficult child's into a full blown rage being spanked (even if you don't see that right away, he will carry that rage and take it out on someone or something in the very near future)
    just my 2cents
  14. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Yep. We've had difficulty transitioning, too. We gave 1/2 hr warnings, then 15 min., then 10 min, 5 min. and 1 min.
    It seemed like forever, but now that I look back on it, it probably only took 2 mo's.
    When our difficult child really screamed and acted obnoxious, we just waited until he was at school and got rid of the computer completely. (You can't do it in front of him or he'll fight you for it, yank the cord, wreck the hard drive, etc.)
    Good luck!
  15. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    I only have my sons and mine experience to draw on here. My son is now 17 but was diagnosis at an early age with low impulse control. I got out books and read, and tried things in the books that told me they would work if I ONLY did this or this.

    The worst thing I ever did was to feel pity for my son. I felt sorry for the outcome of his situation. You can feel sorry for the outcome of a child's situation but if you continue to make excuses for him by saying "He can't help it" or "It's out of his hands" you are not going to survive and you aren't going to do him any favors either.

    I realize there are children so profoundly disabled that they can't control themselves. I made the mistake of lumping my son into that category. I allowed him to use his disability to walk on me, berate me, tear down my household, all in the name of "but he can't help it - he has ODD".

    That is a VERY defeatist attitude to have if you intend on helping or living with a difficult child. Get educated. Take parenting classes with groups in your area similar to your kids situation, talk weekly with a good psychologist about strategies to improve living situations at your home and involve the ENTIRE family. Not just the kid with the "problem". Everyone living in a house with a difficult child is involved. Like it or not.

    Continually learn and evolve - it's what your difficult child is doing. As he grows he's mapping his brain into what he will become. If there is a part of that map that is skewed - THIS is where the part of "He can't help it" comes in. So if HE can't help it - THEN YOU AS THE PARENT must.

    My son is now 17 and he's still trying to change. I think he wants to more than most kids I've met with emotional disabilites - or so he says. My argument back to him is "Well you have choices - every minute of every day it's up to you to make the best ones for yourself."

    And remember - none of our kids are really alike so what works for my family may not work for yours. But if nothing is working then I highly suggest getting into a good family therapist to learn how to even the game. difficult child's are smart,and tireless. You as a parent need to become smarter and find ways to recoup.

    Hope this helps
  16. Anna1345

    Anna1345 New Member

    One thing that works for us is physical for Michael, but not on our end. Meaning he has to do something physical like push-ups or "sitting" on the wall. Jon got the idea from boot camp and even his hockey coach uses it -- which we found out about recently.

    We have also found that completely ignoring him while the punishment is in force (no arguing, no "discussion" no nothing until it is over) works well. Then afterwards, we will talk about his behavior and our behavior and what each of us can do to make it better. HTH!
  17. I'm going crazy!!!

    I'm going crazy!!! New Member

    what is this exactly
  18. Anna1345

    Anna1345 New Member

    He goes into a position like he is sitting in a chair with feet flat on the floor, except there is no chair, and his back is flat against the wall. It works quad muscles which he needs to build up for Hockey (that is why the coach does it for a punishment when the kids are being obstinate).
  19. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    We have also found that completely ignoring him while the punishment is in force (no arguing, no "discussion" no nothing until it is over) works well. Then afterwards, we will talk about his behavior and our behavior and what each of us can do to make it better.

    YES! No discussion. Walk away. I used to make it worse. I am learning.
  20. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    We used the "wall" treatment too, but difficult child was a lot older than 6 years old. He was around 10-11ish.

    Anna - thank your husband for me on behalf of my family and my family here.