(((hugs))))
I am so sorry! I know how scared you are. When my difficult child was 11 years old, he started to get self-harm thoughts and thoughts to harm/kill me. It scared him so bad.
We took a trip to the Twin Cities (Minnesota) and his body wanted him to jump from the 3rd floor belcony of the Mall of America. He was terrified. On the way home, he said, "Mom, I am scared to go home. I know where all the knives and hammers are." Yep, I was also terrified for him.
I called the therapist that we were scheduled to see in a month and told them we needed in NOW! We can not go another month. After begging, I got him in within a few days. I was told that if I felt he was in danger to take him to ER. He was not in immediate danger but we could not live like this another month.
The therapist went through his first visit orientation saying that he could only see difficult child once a month and if we needed more help to try the psychiatric hospital down the road which had out-patient day programs as well as in-patient ones.
When we left, difficult child fell apart. He begged for the psychiatric hospital. He just couldn't control himself any longer. So we went down the street and he was admitted.
The hardest thing I had to do was tell husband that difficult child was in the psychiatric hospital. I knew he would be upset but as usual, he didn't get angry.
Your difficult child is begging for help. The psychiatric hospital is equipped to handle these behaviors and as much as you don't want to see difficult child in trouble inside the psychiatric hospital, it really is best for him to have an "episode" so staff can document and docs can really see what is going on.
Your difficult child recognizing that there is a control issue is a good thing. You are not giving up on him, you are providing help that you can not give.
You know, it took a lot of courage for him to tell you about his thoughts. Kids have a hard time talking about what scares them. He trusts you to help him through this. You did the right thing.