I think there is a difficult adult child "type" that all of us know well: entitlement, self-indulgence, irresponsibility, dependency, and self-centeredness. This combines with an inflated sense of self-importance and a special kind of power--which is principally exercised in their lives vis a vis us, their parents. Their relationships with us are played out by extracting resources and support from us, typically through manipulation or coercion.
Clearly, your son, fits the type. The difficult child in prison is a special variant of type. In prison the difficult child's style is cramped, so they can't (as much) do their typical stuff (fill in the blanks.) On the one hand, their sense of self-importance and power increases because they can tell us they are doing all of these positive things (off drugs, mental health, not asking us for money, getting drug treatment, going to chapel, etc.). On the other, as their actual mobility and power has decreased by the circumstances of imprisonment, they become more dependent, which propels them even more to play out their identity and power needs over us.
Every time when they command us to remedy their helplessness, we are flummoxed. (Shaking my head, here.)
In their incarcerated circumstances their dependency and anxiety increases, feelings they don't want to feel. So what do they do? They put these feelings into us. They perceive us as horribly worried about them, terribly concerned about their welfare, extremely dependent upon their getting better, as totally invested in what happens to them. As if they are vulnerable babies, they imagine us as willing to put everything on the line, for them.
To me your son's letter exhibits all of these aspects. It's really helpful to read. Because over your story I have distance. I can see how completely transparent is your son's manipulation. Really laughable. And sad, really. How powerful he wants and needs to feel over you, while his actual power and control over others (let alone himself and his actions) is practically non-existent.
I don't know why our kids (who are grown adults, in middle age or nearing it) can't or won't take responsibility for themselves, and put responsibility for their lives in us. But I truly agree with the other posters who suggest that you not respond in any way other than with neutrality. I would try not to bat an eye. I'd try to forget you even got the letter.
I think when I am angered or stunned by this kind of action taken by my son, I am seduced into ignoring the part I have played in the story. I have been in the game with him, as I try to help him, try to stave off disaster, try to push him into normalcy. I am looking at myself in the mirror.
Our willingness to sacrifice for them is what has to stop. Our over-involvement with their stories is what we *I, need to let go. Our enthrallment with each installment of their dramas, has to cool down.
We need to become enthralled with ourselves and our own lives. If I wasn't so sad and worried I could do this. But at least I am getting the concept.
Thank you very much for this thread.