Fear of Judgement

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Shari, Jan 2, 2008.

  1. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Ok, so, wee difficult child got out of hand on the way home tonight, about a mile from home.

    I stopped and took him out of the truck. Being able to go places with mom is not a requirement, its a privelage, and if he's going to beat on me, he's not allowed.

    However, this has never happened on a main road before. He was safely off the road, and never more than a few feet away, but we had quite the audience in the whopping 5 minutes that this whole thing took place. I am sure had the right person come along, I'd be answering to DFS right now. I guess it scared me...I was doing what I've been told to do (which doesn't happen much anymore, by the way), but was petrified to do it for fear I'd be reported.

    I love this roller coaster ride.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I'm kinda confused. What happened on the road?
  3. mrscatinthehat

    mrscatinthehat Seussical

    sorry you had to deal with that. funny at this point it isn't me i worry about being judged most of the time it is my other kids. Hope you have a better rest of the evening.

  4. Janna

    Janna New Member

    The 5 year old was beating on you????

    Think I'm confused too, sorry Shari.
  5. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Yeah, he was beating on me.

    Not nearly as frequently as he used to (a year ago it was daily), this is a pretty uncommon occurrance these days, but yes, that's what was happening. Seems like it should be pretty minor beans til you consider that at age 3 he was evaluated and estimated to be of strength and coordination of a child of about 8. He's almost 6 now.
  6. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    I am sorry this happened as well........it sounds like wee is really out of control sometimes, as mine was as well at that age. So "you were doing what you were told to do", meaning what? Do the psychiatrists have a regimen outline for handling this type of behavior? Was it effective?

    Sending hugs that this is resolved soon.
  7. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    For the first part of this year, we had an in-home behavior therapist. He probably wasn't always politically correct, but some of his ideas have been effective. He's big into logical consequences as difficult child has trouble making connections, anyway, so everything has to be a natural consequence for there to be any hope he'll "get it".

    Anyway, a big problem was hitting me in the vehicle and then going for the door handle to get out while you're barreling down the highway at 70mph (he can get out of every car seat we've tried). So IHBT said ok, let him out. Beat on mom = you're not with mom anymore. At first I put him out of the truck a lot (and never for very long), but it didn't take long to get the message, and its a rare occurrence now.

    I've just never had to do it in front of other people, and I'm sure I'll be the talk of the coffee shop in the morning.

    And the whole time I kept thinking "maybe I should just forget this! What if the cops come or someone turns me in?" I've never been so worried about that before! Wow.
  8. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Aaargh! So sorry. been there done that.

    I remember when I was a kid... If my dad pulled over on the freeweay, we were dead meat.

    My difficult child did something similar when he was 3. He was directly behind me in his car seat, and as I crossed the intersection, turning left, he escalated his kicking tantrum, reached up and yanked my hair through the headrest so I hit my head and had no idea if I was turning correctly. I had to slam on the brakes and turn around (nearly scalping myself) and whack his arm to get him to let go. My heart was beating SO fast! :whew:

    I WAS judged, by the way. The lady behind me had just pulled out of the church pking lot and saw me turn around and take a swipe at difficult child. It looked like I smacked him across the face--ironic when you consider we were just leaving a church that teaches nonviolence! I saw her for a brief second as she threw her hands up to her face and bowed her head, like, OMG. (In fact, I missed!)
    Nothing like adding guilt to the whole thing. She had no idea I'd almost been wiped out ... I had a half a mind to call her when I got home but decided that would just make it worse. Sigh.

    We got pulled over for speeding not long after that ... we'd eaten out and he was totally obnoxious in the restaurant and in the car, and I couldn't wait to get home ... I was ticked about the ticket but relieved when the officer opened the back door, put on the Kiddie Lock (which I didn't realize wasn't on), secured difficult child back into his carseat (he'd climbed out of it, of course ... but there's nothing like a uniformed authority figure to get a toddler to behave!) and sent us on our way. It was almost worth the $.

    Oh, by the way, we never, ever have violence problems in the car any more. The pulling-over thing has worked beautifully. More than that, the child psychiatric suggested that I take difficult child home ea time he has a tantrum, park in the driveway, and force him to repeat the behavior until he can't stand it anymore. (Generally 1/2 hr.)
    So it didn't take more than 3X of standing over difficult child and making him kick the back of the seat, hit it, and scream until he tired of the whole thing. (Actually, he got into the kicking part but his hands really hurt, LOL!)
  9. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Wow, I would be scared too! :highvoltage:
    However, giving him a natural consequence of not getting to be with Mom, seems, in theory, quite an effective concept. Although I can see, from the flip side - how it could may look inappropriate - what can you do?

    If it makes you feel any better, I have been the talk of the town for YEARS!!! For one reason or another, difficult children parents always seem to cause undue attention. I hate it.......but I have coped by deciding to just not care and finding social avenues that do not involve my immediate community.

    Sigh.............I understand how hard it is.
  10. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    IHBT used repeating the behavior, too, for some things. But it wasn't working in the truck because difficult child's ultimate goal was to "win" with me, and you can't exactly safely replicate opening the door and falling out of a moving vehicle, so this was the alternative to it (and difficult child's been run over once - and no, its NOT because I let him fall out! lol) And you can't exactly ignore it when he does it, either. (and my truck doesn't have kid locks) But this has been pretty effective, he hasn't gone for the door handle in a long time (didn't even offer tonight).

    Ah, what would the coffee shops folks have to talk about if there weren't "our kind" around, hm?
  11. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I wouldnt tell this anywhere but here.

    One time years and years ago when the two younger boys were probably 7 and 9 or maybe a tad bit older husband took them up to visit his relatives in the SC mountains. We had a car with a really big trunk.

    Jamie and Cory kept fighting and arguing in the backseat over who was touching each other, breathing each others air, looking at each other...you get the picture. Finally husband turned around and said the next person he caught tormenting the other one was going in the trunk! Of course, Cory had to test that statement. He reached over and slapped Jamie. husband pulled over and stuck him in the trunk and drove for 1 mile with Cory in the trunk.

    When he got out to take him out of the trunk thinking that he would be duly punished...Cory looks up and says...oh I like this, let me stay! Smart :censored2:!
  12. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    :reading: UH HUh it says right here in the handbook on: Parenting a possessed child in 110 degree Southern heat And I quote:

    Any child caught in a back seat with his or her brother/sister uttering the words "Not touching you" upon his 110th time parent shall pull the car over and place the child in the truck and resume travel to their appointed destination.

    -footnote - it is NOT advisable to go Fourwheeling or over rough terrain with said child in trunk as they have just too much fun.

    -I think we passed you that day Janet with Dude and I said - See THAT is what will happen if you don't stop asking ARE WE THERE YET?

    ROFLMAO Janet you are a scream!

    Shari - I don't say this lightly because it takes a LONG time to get to this point - but after the life that I have endured with difficult child I could pull the strip off a maxi pad, tape it to my forehead and walk around in Walmart on a Saturday afternoon and NOT be phased -

    Don't worry about the coffee shop - everyone has skeletons in their closet. Your's just likes to dance on the side of the road for everyone to see - it's an attention seeking skill you will soon come to ignore.


  13. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?


    I possess the kind of silly sense of humor that would put the maxipad on my head just for the giggles it would get. I wouldn't be unphased, but I would be LMAO. I do generally try to avoid the kind of attention that brings in officers and CPS people...

    I like your analogy, tho, of my "skeleton" dancing on the side of the road. That's a vision that ranks right up there with "<f-word> weenie head" that difficult child used to call us.

    Now I can just envision a skeleton screaming FWH on the side of the road.

    Next time, they'll wonder why I'm laughing about it... And they will haul me off!
  14. mom23gsfg

    mom23gsfg New Member

  15. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Oh now THAT'S gonna get me fired - FOR LAUGHING TOO LOUD!!!! OMG that's funny.
  16. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    OOOMG THAT WAS YOUR KID - The weanie head post? WE ARE STILL LAUGHING ABOUT THAT.....I can't wait to walk out and say softly YOU WEANIE HEAD to df - he will just crack up.
  17. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    "That was fun--can I do it again?" Definitely a difficult child's words.

    LOL about the maxi pad. I thought you were going to say that you put it over difficult child's mouth to shut him up!
  18. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Yup, Star, that was MY kid.

    And your DF that loves it so much! (Which, by the way, made it tolerable to hear until he finally stopped using it)

    And now anytime I have to put him out of the truck (which isn't often anymore), I will think of the skeleton dancing on the side of the road while using this lovely little phrase. And I'm sure I will laugh.

    Oh, the proud moments...

    Nomatic, I've covered those bases for exactly this reason. Thankfully, his behavior lady, the in-home, his previous day-care provider, and his pediatrician all have seen his violent streak first hand. I think if I were ever questioned, it might take a day or two, but I think his behavior problems would be confirmed. Particularly if it were to happen in our small community where they know us and have arrested his bio-dad frequently... (and not as frequently as they should have...)
  19. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I love the cartoon!!! Jessica, did you do that?? I can see fame and fortune in your future with a daily comic strip, books, coffee mugs, shirts, and more - ALL inspired by US here at the cd board!!!! I hope you don't mind if I send the link to my hubby!

    Shari, Your IHBT is doing NOTHING that we have not been told to do many times, by grandparents, psychiatrists, tdocs, and other moms!

    We also have had the advice to make the child do and redo the behavior until it isn't fun. Even had a montessori program director who would have the kids sitting in chairs with cups. If they were caught spitting (other than for a medication condition in the appropriate place) then they got a little dixie cup iwth a line about 3/8" up. They had to spit until they filled the cup up to the line.

    The people at the coffee shop are talking about you - and remembering when they had to do that with their own kids/grandkids, and wishing other parents would do the same!!!


  20. mom23gsfg

    mom23gsfg New Member