Hi, everyone. Thank you for your support. This is my 3rd night alone. The first night I got under 3 hours of sleep...and taught. Last night I received 4 1/2 hours of sleep. I am hoping for at least 5 hours tonight. i am a zombie. I have never felt so bad. I think it is because I do not have anyone to protect or be brave for except just me. I have never registered in the equation. I have nothing but myself...my sad thoughts...and flashbacks...my startle reflex and fears. As I type, it is very windy outside. My house is 2400 sq ft and I hear noises from the house settling, scratching branches, and creaking antique furniture...fun.
I think that therapy is helping me a bit, but here is the downside; I cannot 'numb' out or disassociate like I always have in the past. Yes, I felt fear when I heard my son arguing with his voices about not killing me. It was a hunted animal fear. But, before that I did not feel true fear, since I was 11. I numbed out or pushed it way down out of my consciousness. Now, it seems that I am not able to employ this protective device. It was never a conscious effort. I did it automatically. I do not know if it is progress, or if I am just slowly falling apart.
Copa, it is wonderful to hear from you. I always love what you write. Never feel the need to apologize. I, like you, feel that I have been deserted by G-d. But, I also feel and know that there is another level of 'life' or existance. Is it your soul? I do not know. But, I have had enough experiences to know that there is something out there that defies simple science.
My alarm sets automatically at 11. My heart is in my throat. Even when I know that it will beep twice at 11, it always scares me to death. Then, five minutes later, it beeps once. it puts me into fight or flight mode. I hate this. My antique washstand, beside me just creaked loudly. I am a bundle of nerves. I am brave, it is just my worn-out body that is jumpy. I cannot control it. Yes, I like 60's music and looking at antiques on ebay to relax. But when I am petrified I don't think, "I am going to walk across the house alone and put on some music". My heart is racing and, on some level, I think that I cannot hear someone/something approaching me over the music.
Copa, I took the dreaded Benadryl the last 2 nights. Yes, fear won over future possible dementia.
It might sound funny, but I was sorting through my jewelry that I had ordered months ago and squirreled away for possible future gifts or use. I found an inexpensive cameo necklace of a guardian angel. I do not even know if I believe in guardian angels. But, I have always sensed something beyond our normal existance. Keeping this simple forgotten necklace by my bed helped me last night. It just cost $9, yet I felt safer.
Copa, do not despair. I truly believe that we will see our mothers again, on some spiritual plane or level. Until then, we can be guided by their life lessons that they taught us. I still 'hear' my mom nagging me, "Don't go out without putting on a fresh face!" I love that expression...
I feel happy that my youngest son is relatively unscathed. Yes, he still feels guilty that he let the police in. He stayed with me to protect me from my ill son, and then, to set up timed lights, alarms, and cameras after the restraining order. He turned down a great job without telling me because it meant being away too many hours and not home protecting me from my ill son when he still lived here.
It is his turn to live and enjoy life. I am petrified, yet very happy for him. I will 'survive'...literally and figuratively. It is amazing how many emotions one can feel all at once. I wish that I could numb out, but my body keeps betraying me. Now, there is a 'symphony' of rattling window screens.
At least I haven't had my son's dog's squeaky toy being repeatedly chewed on by ....? A few weeks ago, I was home alone at night and I heard the toy squeaking about 40 times. I thought, why is he still outside? But my son's dog was on his bed. I still do not know what it was. The only thing that makes sense is a racoon. But, the first thing that I thought of was someone was messing with my mind and was trying to scare me... When my son got home later that night, there was a squeaky toy just outside the family room window.
Time to try to sleep. Here is hoping for 6 hours of sleep. I keep most of the lights in the entire house on now. I feel better knowing that I can see what is around me, but it makes it more difficult to sleep. Life is full of pros and cons...
Copa, cherish your son. Give him a big hug for me. Thank you all for your uplifting words of support. It makes me feel a little bit less alone.