Feeling Sad---Son is Homeless

[Childofmine]

Feeling Sad, I am so sorry, and feel anguished reading your recent posts. I can only imagine how horrible it is to be scared all the time. I do understand your PTSD...I believe I had a small measure of what you describe as well, from life with Difficult Child. I don't know the answer. I wish I did. I hope you are getting every single ounce of help that is available to you through your therapist, physician, self-help groups like Al-Anon, readings and writings, yoga, meditation, exercise...

I do believe, as RE has often said, that we can re-set the neural pathways in our brains to repair the damage that has been done to us, but it takes a lot of time and work.

And I hear that you are so tired. How brave you are, and how generous, to let your precious younger son go to live his life. Please know we are here for you on this site, as one source of comfort and support, as you rally your troops.

Warm hugs and love to you this morning.

 

[RN0441]

Feeling Sad:

I too understand your plight, the best I can without living it but that being said, I would still put myself first and find a smaller and safer place. You should be your own priority. Once that is done and you are settled then you can work on finding out where your son is so you can keep long distance tabs on him or whatever makes you feel comfortable!

I think you will feel so much better if you do this. I know that I would.

 

[Copabanana]

Hi Feeling

I have been away for quite awhile and the first thing back wanted to check in with you. I have skimmed the past week of your thread and feel sad for you that you are frightened and lonely. I feel sad for myself too. My son has been back here with me for the past five weeks. It is going fifty-fifty. My own despair seems not so much related to actual events and circumstances but more something spiritual or existential-the awareness that central themes in my life are playing themselves out in ways I have little or no control over. I am undecided if I ever had the control in my life that I thought I did, that my sense of having lost control--is illusory too--I never had it.

Either way, it is a difficult time. I have always been able to rally--I am like you in that. This time is different. It is over three years now that my mother is gone. I seem to be unable to recover myself. That is the reality of things. Some days I can accept it without being depressed. Other days I despair.

I write this about myself because I am increasingly seeing myself and my life in spiritual terms. And in doing so, in moments I feel a bit of hope. This is from somebody who once saw herself as a Marxist, believing myself to have been abandoned by G-d--I seem to be learning a way to see myself in relation to G-d in way I never thought possible.

I do not mean to take your thread in directions where I do not recall you ever taking. But I wanted to say that to different degrees we are both struggling with handling lives where there is immeasurable love and longing and no control. Mothers and people generally in all of human history have dealt with situations such as ours. I do not want to see myself as a person who is dashed against the rocks, despite valiant (and perhaps impossible efforts.) Because I have tried to live my life well.

More and more I see that nearly all of the measures that I have used to define success and meaning have set me up. Nearing the end of my life--I feel upended. The last card I have to play is this one.

I do not want to either depress or scare you. I guess my intention is mostly to let you know that you are not alone in this place you find yourself. I am there with you, in my way. I guess another intention I have is to write this to get a read on myself. It is hard to imagine that this person, me, who writes this is the same me who came here 18 months ago. I am at a place I could never have foreseen. And I am unsure where I am going and what it means.

Feeling. I hope I have not offended and that you feel a small measure of support and affection from me, your friend.

 

[okie girl]

I live in a safe neighborhood. I never felt afraid as a single mother. But, I think that it is a combination of being completely alone for now on, coupled with the trauma of what I went through with my violent schizophrenic son.

The part that is worse than the extreme fear, is the profound never-ending sadness that I might not ever see my son again. Living here in the same house is the only way that I could ever see him again. I do not know where he is. He lives in his car.

Yes, it sounds crazy. It IS crazy. I want to stay here so if my son wants to contact me, he could find me. But, here is the crazy part... He could also find me to kill me.

There is no 'good' answer. I have been told that I should never be with him again. But, as a mother, how can I accept that fate? I would never be alone with him.

He did not want to kill me. He was arguing with his voices that he did not want to kill me. Three weeks earlier, he had broken the bottle and held it out towards my throat, but he stopped. He probably saw my shocked face.

I am not saying that this is wonderful. Yes, it is extremely dangerous. But, the 'normal' or sane part of my son was still fighting the voices. Imagine how difficult it has been on my son to slowly slip away and be plaqued by threatening voices and delusions.

If I move, there would be zero chance of ever seeing my son again. But, yes, I would be safer. It is gut-wrenching. I do not know what to do. My first night alone is this Saturday. My youngest son has no idea, nor will I tell him about my fear.

I will get through this. I have to. Thank you for being here for me. It makes me feel better.

My dear Feeling Sad....My heart aches for you. I can see how torn you are. But our motherly instinct and love often overrides our sense of putting ourselves ahead of our child. I completely understand your dilemma. Please be extra cautious. Could you get a watch dog? Animals are so therapeutic and show you unconditional love. Sending hugs and prayers.

 

[Copabanana]

Could you get a watch dog? Animals are so therapeutic and show you unconditional love.

Chinese Crested, Feeling.

This too will pass. Feeling. Is there something that your body would safely tolerate to enable you to sleep? There are sleeping remedies that will not put you out like a light, where you could wake up if you were to need to.

I was taking Benadryl until I read it was associated with Alzheimers. I stopped just like that.

But I am not sleeping either, now, especially last night after the election. I was afraid. I got tranquilizers from the doctor and I will try that and if they do not work will try a sleeping pill. Maybe there is one that you can safely tolerate.

 

[Feeling Sad]

Hi, everyone. Thank you for your support. This is my 3rd night alone. The first night I got under 3 hours of sleep...and taught. Last night I received 4 1/2 hours of sleep. I am hoping for at least 5 hours tonight. i am a zombie. I have never felt so bad. I think it is because I do not have anyone to protect or be brave for except just me. I have never registered in the equation. I have nothing but myself...my sad thoughts...and flashbacks...my startle reflex and fears. As I type, it is very windy outside. My house is 2400 sq ft and I hear noises from the house settling, scratching branches, and creaking antique furniture...fun.

I think that therapy is helping me a bit, but here is the downside; I cannot 'numb' out or disassociate like I always have in the past. Yes, I felt fear when I heard my son arguing with his voices about not killing me. It was a hunted animal fear. But, before that I did not feel true fear, since I was 11. I numbed out or pushed it way down out of my consciousness. Now, it seems that I am not able to employ this protective device. It was never a conscious effort. I did it automatically. I do not know if it is progress, or if I am just slowly falling apart.

Copa, it is wonderful to hear from you. I always love what you write. Never feel the need to apologize. I, like you, feel that I have been deserted by G-d. But, I also feel and know that there is another level of 'life' or existance. Is it your soul? I do not know. But, I have had enough experiences to know that there is something out there that defies simple science.

My alarm sets automatically at 11. My heart is in my throat. Even when I know that it will beep twice at 11, it always scares me to death. Then, five minutes later, it beeps once. it puts me into fight or flight mode. I hate this. My antique washstand, beside me just creaked loudly. I am a bundle of nerves. I am brave, it is just my worn-out body that is jumpy. I cannot control it. Yes, I like 60's music and looking at antiques on ebay to relax. But when I am petrified I don't think, "I am going to walk across the house alone and put on some music". My heart is racing and, on some level, I think that I cannot hear someone/something approaching me over the music.

Copa, I took the dreaded Benadryl the last 2 nights. Yes, fear won over future possible dementia.

It might sound funny, but I was sorting through my jewelry that I had ordered months ago and squirreled away for possible future gifts or use. I found an inexpensive cameo necklace of a guardian angel. I do not even know if I believe in guardian angels. But, I have always sensed something beyond our normal existance. Keeping this simple forgotten necklace by my bed helped me last night. It just cost $9, yet I felt safer.

Copa, do not despair. I truly believe that we will see our mothers again, on some spiritual plane or level. Until then, we can be guided by their life lessons that they taught us. I still 'hear' my mom nagging me, "Don't go out without putting on a fresh face!" I love that expression...

I feel happy that my youngest son is relatively unscathed. Yes, he still feels guilty that he let the police in. He stayed with me to protect me from my ill son, and then, to set up timed lights, alarms, and cameras after the restraining order. He turned down a great job without telling me because it meant being away too many hours and not home protecting me from my ill son when he still lived here.

It is his turn to live and enjoy life. I am petrified, yet very happy for him. I will 'survive'...literally and figuratively. It is amazing how many emotions one can feel all at once. I wish that I could numb out, but my body keeps betraying me. Now, there is a 'symphony' of rattling window screens.

At least I haven't had my son's dog's squeaky toy being repeatedly chewed on by ....? A few weeks ago, I was home alone at night and I heard the toy squeaking about 40 times. I thought, why is he still outside? But my son's dog was on his bed. I still do not know what it was. The only thing that makes sense is a racoon. But, the first thing that I thought of was someone was messing with my mind and was trying to scare me... When my son got home later that night, there was a squeaky toy just outside the family room window.

Time to try to sleep. Here is hoping for 6 hours of sleep. I keep most of the lights in the entire house on now. I feel better knowing that I can see what is around me, but it makes it more difficult to sleep. Life is full of pros and cons...

Copa, cherish your son. Give him a big hug for me. Thank you all for your uplifting words of support. It makes me feel a little bit less alone.

 

[ksm]

This summer I ordered solar LED motion activated lights. They were fairly inexpensive, and used an adhesive Velcro strip to apply. I don't know how well they will work this winter with less sunlight, but they have worked great since we installed this summer. They give off a soft glow, but when we walk near the house they automatically switch to bright lights.

We did this because DCs friends would come in to the yard and try to get her to sneak out.

I don't know if you have a similar set up, but they make me feel better to know that it is not dark all around our yard.

I too struggle with loss of my faith. But a friend texted me yesterday, and she encouraged me to exercise my faith and prayer life. I have gotten so beaten down that I had neglected that part of my spirituality. I guess just knowing a have friends that are stronger prayer warriors than I am sending prayers for me and my daughters does help me cope.

It is something I can try to do for myself, since others are willing to do it for me when I was too weak. I am going to try and rediscover me... Sometimes when we have been strong for too long, we take a break, and it is hard to get back up.

Whether it is prayer or meditation, we need to have positive self talk. I have always been a silent prayer person...but my friend encouraged to speak out loud. So I am trying that today...and will continue. Since no one is speaking those words to me, I will speak them for myself and my family and my home.

KSM

 

[Feeling Sad]

I love what you wrote, KSM. I just read it now before trying to get to sleep. Yes, I will try to be more positive. My mom used to say, "Let go and let G- d." I just find the letting go part difficult, even though I have little , if no, control.

I will check into solar motion lighrs. Thank you.

I am going to have a gigantic electric bill with most of my lights on all night in the main rooms. It makes it a bit less scary.

I miss all 3 of my sons, probably my ill son the most because I have not seen him for 17 months and he is the most helpless. I do not think that I will ever see him again. There is no way to find him. He parks on residential streets between houses and moves every night. He told me this when he lived in his car in 2005 for a year. A private detective could not even find him... He is a paranoid schizophrenic.

I hope that there is a Heaven and that, one day, I am able to see him from there when I pass to know that he is safe. It sounds dumb, but it is something that comforts me. Or, hopefully, I will see him in Heaven when we both have passed on. I know that he will be back to his old self...handsome, intelligent, with that dry wit and smile.

 

[RN0441]

Feeling Sad;

Don't write the end of the story. I can't take credit for it but I did read it here and found it comforting.

None of us know what the future holds. That could be a blessing; I don't know.

Hugs and prayers to you on this Friday before Thanksgiving.

 

[Copabanana]

Feeling, there are prayers.

May my son find safety, security and peace.

May he be warm, and unafraid.

May we live within our love, without rancor, fear or fight.

I kicked out my son on Wednesday morning. He is without a coat, a sleeping bag, or money, I fear.

Beyond fear, regret and expectation my heart lives, within and all around me, my love for him.

 

[Feeling Sad]

My fears go beyond the 'normal' fears of the basic human needs of food, clothes, and shelter. Yes, those things are very important. But, I want him to find peace, which I fear is very elusive for him. He is paranoid schizophrenic and, as such, lives in a false reality and is plaqued by unheard voices and unseen hallucinations.

Copa, I love the pure thruths that you write. Yes, that is the perfect prayer. You have grown spiritually and are stronger in your self-identity. I am proud of you.

My ill son believes in false delusions and is tortured by his thoughts on a daily basis. My child, my precious son of mine, needs me more than ever before.

I am not saying that my presence would have alleviated these falsehoods, but my heart breaks continually because I am not there for him...in any capacity.

Yes, he argued about killing me, but that is not his fault. None of this is his fault, nor is it directly mine. I actually envy you because you saw your son up until Wednesday. Yes, in some ways it is worse...fresh and hurtful. But, none the less, you saw your precious child.

I feel as if I am slowly unraveling. I have no idea of how he is doing. I just know that last month he was alive. He is still taking small amounts of money out of our joint account. He is alive. But, how is he doing? Is he skinnier? Is he cold? Have people bullied him? Is he scared?

Does he EVEN realize what happened and why I had to call the police and file a restraining order against him? My heart actually aches.

I am tired of being strong and positive. I am so sad that I could not help my son better and that my genes gave him this Hellish insidious disease. For it is truly a 'dis-ease'...

 

[Copabanana]

Is this your prayer, Feeling? Are you talking to, questioning, challenging G-d, here (a la Job) in the deepest and most profound way? Think about it. Are these posts of yours, your prayers?

Does He even realize

I feel as if I am slowly unraveling.

my heart breaks continually

Is He alive?

This past week I have been living with, channeling Leonard Cohen, who died the day of the election. In my faith (which I am studying now), our lives have a deep truth that it is our challenge in life, to learn and to manifest and live. However deep is the pain and suffering and loss, with it there is the possibility of spiritual renewal and peace that may come, if we reach for it. In this separation from your son it seems is both the most painful and severest of trials, but at the same time, the unfolding of your deepest yearnings, and revealing of your most heartfelt pain and brokenness--which in my faith, is your beautiful humanity. I think Leonard would see it this way:

Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in.

From Anthem, Leonard Cohen

Feeling, I am right there with you.

 

[Copabanana]

My son came back today, Feeling. It is difficult. You know how come. I am posting this because maybe some of this is true for you, too. Feeling. What choice did you have? What choices do you have? Where is there to go? What escape can you find? Is there any? For any of us? For each of us? Is this not, really, all of this, a spiritual crisis--because in what other way can we go anywhere in this? There is no where up, down, out, away--only in, I now believe.

I have identified myself (in another conversation) as feeling like the "patient" as a short cut to say this: The feeling, sense or reality that there is nothing I can do. Nowhere I can go. No stand to take. No retreat. No fight to win. In relationship to my child.

Do you recognize, Feeling, that while more extreme, and now legally defined, in your own case, that the struggle is the same?

I am struggling with making the distinction between no control and powerlessness, and helplessness. To the extent that I feel I am a victim, his victim. Which I am not. To the extent I am a victim, it is of my own making (to some extent--because he is the one who always shows up at my door.) Even (especially) when I have told him to stay away. Or the victim-sense is a recollection from the past.

Over a many year period I have struggled with feelings of helplessness and victimization that come up in relationship to my son. Because I see no way out for me.

I have no way to help him, without great cost to myself--and to him--because he is 28 years old, and I am his Mom. What good can come of this, really, for him or for me? And nowhere to escape because I love him so much. He recognizes he must help himself, to a greater and greater extent. But it is slow, slow, slow. And he is growing in insight and self-awareness. But something concrete has to happen (in my mind) in terms of emancipation and independence. Some goal. Something I can see!! (But I realize this is exactly the crux of the matter. And what leads to my desperation, frustration, and existential despair.) He is 28 years old!

By his voicing these words,*I know I have to change; I have made it all about me, when it is not; I know now. I am committed to change'; I have had an epiphany (all tonight) he knows he can get a do over with us.

His saying: A new leaf. He does to some extent try to do better, to change--but at the same time, he manipulates, too. Battles us, undermines us--uses "the powers of the weak." When I try to help him I set myself up to undermined, manipulated, lied to--I set myself up in a master-slave relationship with my son--who is an adult man. I recognize that it is inappropriate and damaging to set conditions for him, for his life. But what am I to do if he wants to be dependent in my space? And the alternative is that he is homeless.

I have lost the capacity to let him be homeless. I am so over his being homeless.

We have been living this song on the jukebox for years and years now. I have lived with him gone for 4 years plus. Homeless. In other people's spaces. Etc. Many hospitalizations. I am so over this. But cannot move beyond it.

I believe he is sincerely trying to change--to a point--that is the problem. But I recognize too, that this kind of change takes time and struggle. I cannot control the struggle. He does. That is why I feel like I am the patient.

I become as symptomatic or more than is he: That is what I mean. All of it.

 

[Copabanana]

I will write poems to you, Feeling:

Epiphany

He is the one who shows up at my door

Some goal? Something I can see?
Beyond the trouble?
This kind of change takes time and struggle.
I have made it all about me.

I know I have to change;
I am committed to change. I have had an epiphany.

Up down out away. You know how come
I see no way out for me
No stand to take. No retreat
Where is there to go?

I know I have to change; I have made it all about me
I am committed to change. I have had an epiphany.

No fight to win.
What escape to find.

In relationship to my child. Or to me.

I know I have to change;
I am committed to change. I have had an epiphany

Up down out away. You know how come
I see no way out, for me
No path or stand that I can see.
To where, and for what?

I know I have to change.
I am committed to change. I have had an epiphany.

No stand to take. No retreat. No fight to win.
In relationship to my child. Or to me.

I know I have to change;
I am committed to change. I have had an epiphany

 

[Feeling Sad]

Wow.... very deep and profound

Copa, you are going through a spiritual metamorphosis. You are right. We cannot control others, but in realizing that true fact, we become free.

My troubled middle son up north feels that we are all trying the best that we can. Given our backgrounds and life expetiences, he feels this to be true. But, I argued that people have control and can choose to change.

That is my problem. I expect others to change. We do not have control over others. Yes, we can plead, cajole, guilt-trip, or reward to achieve a change in behavior. But, it is only temporary. Once you remove the stimulus or reward for the behavior modification, the desired behavior usually stops in time.

The only time that it continues is when the actual person wants and likes the change in behavior. Extrinsic rewards, as opposed to, intrinsic rewards. We cannot change them. They need to want to change.

Knowing this fact, is our freedom...from guilt, expectations, disappointment, etc.

I deal with behavior modification with my students all day.

Copa, you are very strong...with or without a tunic. Good night, dear friend

 

[ksm]

Feeling Sad, a couple days ago I posted on your thread that I was going to start saying positive words, affirmations or prayers over my child/family. I am not good at the spoken word thing. I searched for some on the Internet and here is one of my favorites.

G*d, this world is hostile. And sometimes violence and pain fall on good and innocent people. As parents we see this and the insecurity these threats spark in us are sometimes immobilizing. We cannot insure the safety of our own children. Our reach is too short, and we can never even anticipate all the risks they might face. Often our imaginations run wild. Our fears for our children – and for ourselves seeing our children in danger or pain – can overwhelm us. G*d, when we come to the end of our ability to control things we turn to you. We ask for your protection over our children, over their choices, over the friends they make, over the encounters they have with other adults. G*d, stand guard. We do not always understand how your protection works. Still, we ask for your presence in the lives of our kids. Who else can we trust, but you? We certainly cannot secure their lives ourselves. And you do promise to guard and protect when we ask. ‘The L*rd is my refuge and strength, an ever present help in trouble.’ This is the promise we claim for our children. Be ever present with them, and keep them from danger and sickness, violence, foolishness, accidents of nature. Send angels to be beside them today. When we can’t trust ourselves, we trust You.

FS...you had mentioned your faith, and quoted by your mom. You seem to be a spiritual person...this prayer is my way of letting go and let God... I have been reading it out loud in my car when I drop my daughter off at school each morning.

KSM

 

[Copabanana]

Thank you, KSM.

This is the promise we claim for our children. Be ever present with them, and keep them from danger and sickness, violence, foolishness, accidents of nature. Send angels to be beside them today. When we can’t trust ourselves, we trust You.

G*d, when we come to the end of our ability to control things we turn to you. We ask for your protection over our children, over their choices, over the friends they make, over the encounters they have with other adults. G*d, stand guard.

we ask for your presence in the lives of our kids. Who else can we trust, but you?

 

[Feeling Sad]

It is beautiful, ksm. It helps to have hope. I sometimes go back and try to remember happier times when my son's were little. Yes, there were some problem that arose in my daily life, but now, they seem so trivial.

My middle son up north is very depressed and is not doing well. He does not want to come down or for me to come up there for Thanksgiving. I texted him and asked if he is on medications yet for his depression. He never texted me back.

He only texts. He doesn't like to talk on the phone these days. That way , I feel, he can choose not to answer or disengage, if he wishes. He cannot tell me orally that he loves me. He can text it, so that is a plus.

I found myself sending him hopeful texts about my ill son, but I do not even know how much I truly believe. I am tired, worried, scared, and defeated.

Your thoughtful prayer helped. Thank you.

 

[Copabanana]

Hi Feeling,

I am laying here thinking about you. I read the post about meeting your son in Morro Bay--it is a lovely place. I do relate. Especially to the push-pull dance your son is doing.

If there is a way to not take it personally (yeah, right)....My son a couple of months ago when I said something like for a time I doubted he loved me anymore, responded that that made him feel so sad that I had felt unloved by him. That it was himself he did not love. He always loved me, he said.

Well. How is that supposed to make me feel better.

Here we are together on Thanksgiving: the three of us. All of my family in the whole world. What does that say about a life?

And each of us in another room by choice: M watching soccer. Me with the laptop. My son with his phone or sleeping.

I made dinner but we did not eat together. Can you believe it? But I tell myself this is what each of us need right now. If it is indicative of the state of affairs in our relationships...I am in big trouble.

I am going to put lines below to bracket off my discussion of the food I prepared, so you can skip it. Try not to romanticize our thanksgiving: Remember. Everybody ate alone.

_______

Listen to what I made (M did not want Turkey). All of this I made up the recipes. I roasted a Tyson Chicken (the best commercially available regular brand.) I put 6 garlic cloves, half an onion, and a handful of fresh herbs in the cavity, rub with olive oil and salt it, and sprinkle with lots of dry thyme. I roast it at 450 for 30 min to 35 min breast side down, and then I decrease the heat to 350 and turn the turkey breast up. I just love my roast turkey.

I made a barley pilaf. With 1 cup of sautéed onion, and again lots of minced garlic--maybe again 6 cloves (both cooked in oil until soft) chicken broth, chopped roasted tomatoes, and a tiny bit of fresh rosemary. It was divine.

I served that with roasted tomatoes until they were crispy.

That is all I made, except for an Impossible Sweet Potato Pie. I adapted the recipe. That is the pie from the 70s that makes its own crust. I used a small can of condensed milk, a half cup more of brown sugar, 2 cups sweet potatoes, plus, with 3 eggs, a half cup more of milk, a half cup flour, a healthy dash of baking powder, 2 teaspoons of vanilla, 2 teaspoons of cinnamon, 1 and a half teaspoons ginger, a bit of fresh ground nutmeg, a half teaspoon of pumpkin pie spice and two tablespoons of melted or soft butter. If I could have found allspice I would have put in a quarter teaspoon. Some people might think this is too spicy. But we like it.

The thing about impossible pie, is you put everything in right in the blender. I put the eggs in first and whipped them Then everything else. Nothing could be easier. It took 5 minutes. I use the cooking spray on the glass pie plate. And bake it an hour or less, until an inserted knife is not wet.

It was really, really good. The flour, butter and dash of baking powder make a sort of crust at the bottom that with this kind of pie--I like almost better than a regular pie crust. The other thing I have tried with a pumpkin pie (for easiness) is to make a cookie crust, with ginger cookies or graham crackers.)

I love to cook but I find it burdensome to have to cook, which I do. M does so much for me, the least I can do is cook. So today, I was dreading it until I let go of the high expectations. I came through.

Oh I forgot. I have learned to make traditional Mexican moles and salsas. I do it the traditional way with a molcachete or something, a large stone bowl with a mortar. I grill the dry chiles (2 kinds) on a comal, being careful that they do not burn or char which makes them bitter--a griddle, and then grill tomatillos. I pulverize the chiles in the molachete, then add 2 garlic cloves (raw) and after I pulverize those I add the grilled tomatillos (until they turn yellowish and have black grill marks. I add maybe a half cup of water, as I smash this up, and maybe a half teaspoon of kosher salt.

I used maybe 10 tomatillos, 5 or 6 dry chiles de arbol, and 5 or 6 chiles japones. (These you can get in bags. They are a dollar at the dollar store.) The molcachete and tomatillos they sell at a Mexican market.

I know you are not interested but there it is. I am getting so that I like the taste, if I put very little.

#I just checked the spelling. It is molcajete

_____

Take care Feeling.

By your last posts, I see the great wisdom, perspective and growth you have achieved in these last months.

 

[Feeling Sad]

Yes, Copa, I am interested in your recipes. Your food sounds wonderful. You sound like a very talented cook.

I am wrestling with fear, right now. It helped me greatly to know that I have a friend out there who knows and understands my plight.

I am actually very mad at myself for being so petrified. I understand the mechanics of complex ptsd. Yes, I know that it is not my fault that I was traumatized. My mantra to myself these days is it was not my fault, I could not stop it, and I did not deserve it.

Yet, I am still mad at myself. I have always been able to achieve anything I strive for. But, this is like trying to help my son...not in my control. I have gone to a multitude of therapy sessions and am very well-read, but alas and alack, I remain petrified.

I have tried deep breathing, muscle relaxation, aroma therapy, and many other techniques to no avail. If the trauma was from a family member and repeated over years it makes the ptsd worse.

It is very windy. Windy nights are by far the worst. Every little sound...a snap...a creak...a scratch sends my heart racing. I am very disappointed in myself for not being able to control my responses better. I still sleep with almost every light on in the house. i lock my bedroom door. i sleep with the light on. I cannot fall asleep until the wee hours with the light in my face. I do not know what this is supposed to achieve, but it makes me feel a bit better. I guess that I can see who or what is rushing up to get me. Stupid.

The attic space just made a sound. I am holding my breath, straining to hear more. Stupid.

I know that I am traumatized. It does not help that I have never lived alone my entire life before now. I also believe in some other level of existence after death...spirits, ghosts, passed relatives. This belief is not helping me now. No more scary shows on tv.

I hate this. I hate that I have spent my life helping others, and now, in my time of need, I am alone...utterly alone. It is not my children's responsibilty. I have been too depressed to carry on with my life. I am not the same person. I have changed. No more Pollyanna for me. I do not feel that I deserve to have fun when my son is out there some place being tortured by his cruel voices. Yes, I can hear you say that I do not know for sure, but there is a very strong liklihood that it is true.

I am just mad. Mad that I can't just snap out of it. It appears that it is going to be life-long. I hate being afraid. I hate missing my son. I hate feeling weak. Some warrior. I should turn my cape in.

I did not eat turkey. The tryptophan could have helped...