confuzzled
Member
i've been smoke free since 2/4/11. (cold turkey--took a 5 day stint in the hospital on my deathbed to get there) and i've been handling it pretty well....
but i fell off today.
i cant take the stress in my life a second longer. i know lately its been a recurrent theme here and i've typed a million posts that i've deleted before i've hit send. i guess i've become the "mother of all gfgdom" these days--i'm about 100% sure i need some kind of medications but i cant seem to get myself to a dr to deal with it.
i'm not sure what i thought a cigarette would do for me but somehow i thought it would help me calm down.
its hard to explain, but its up there with ms.ally's behavior charts that are going to solve the problems of the world--i am trying desperately to get some kind of help to care for gfg18 who is 100% dependent, field gfg12's behavioral issues, work, manage a household, and most of all, deal with my own guilt over even having the nerve to beg for help, etc....and i actually might, after 18 years, be on the right path to help....only....
it requires "one more phone call". (which, most likely will, in the end, result in no actual help, only serve to aggravate me even more, but i digress).
between crying or exploding at people, i dont really have the time to make that "one more phone call"....and i think i just really dont want to hear the outcome of "no, cant help you".
i have professionals regularly look at me dumbfoundedly when i say i have no help-it defies any kind of logic. but yet, they dont know what to tell me.
so i had a cig. it didnt help, but in the weirdest kind of way, felt like the most proactive thing i've done in ages.
its exhausting being us. and i mean that collectively.
(i was just about to apologize for feeling this way since there are tons of people who have it worse that i do, even just right here, but ftlog, for once, i'm not going to apologize for myself. my life blows. there. i said it out loud)
but i fell off today.
i cant take the stress in my life a second longer. i know lately its been a recurrent theme here and i've typed a million posts that i've deleted before i've hit send. i guess i've become the "mother of all gfgdom" these days--i'm about 100% sure i need some kind of medications but i cant seem to get myself to a dr to deal with it.
i'm not sure what i thought a cigarette would do for me but somehow i thought it would help me calm down.
its hard to explain, but its up there with ms.ally's behavior charts that are going to solve the problems of the world--i am trying desperately to get some kind of help to care for gfg18 who is 100% dependent, field gfg12's behavioral issues, work, manage a household, and most of all, deal with my own guilt over even having the nerve to beg for help, etc....and i actually might, after 18 years, be on the right path to help....only....
it requires "one more phone call". (which, most likely will, in the end, result in no actual help, only serve to aggravate me even more, but i digress).
between crying or exploding at people, i dont really have the time to make that "one more phone call"....and i think i just really dont want to hear the outcome of "no, cant help you".
i have professionals regularly look at me dumbfoundedly when i say i have no help-it defies any kind of logic. but yet, they dont know what to tell me.
so i had a cig. it didnt help, but in the weirdest kind of way, felt like the most proactive thing i've done in ages.
its exhausting being us. and i mean that collectively.
(i was just about to apologize for feeling this way since there are tons of people who have it worse that i do, even just right here, but ftlog, for once, i'm not going to apologize for myself. my life blows. there. i said it out loud)