dashcat
Member
It's been quite an adjustment having difficult child back home, though I am happy - for the most part - that she is here.
I'm waffling on a situation that is pretty important to me. I know I'm being manipulated and I also know I'm sending mixed messages. I guess I fell off the Warrior Mom Wagon and I need help getting back up.
I posted a week or so ago about her staying out all night (she told me where she was and texted that she would not be home) and that she came home high. I told I wouldn't put up with her smoking pot, drinking and/or staying out all night.
Since then, we had a talk in which she told me it was pretty unrealistic for me to expect her not to drink. She'll be 21 in six weeks, she has not demonstrated that she is abusing (as in an addiction. She maintains her use is fairly normal for her age group and I have no evidence that it is not). She promised not to drink here and not to come home drunk.
And this is where it gets sticky.
There have been two occasions since that overnight where she has not come home. The first time, last Friday night, she texted at 2:00 a.m. and said she was way too tired to drive and she was spending the night. She was at a party and I'm smart enough to know she wasn't "tired", but I also don't want my daughter to be in an accident driving while impaired when I told her she "had" to be home. The other time was last night. She texted and said she'd had a couple of beers and did not feel safe driving. She also said she had her work clothes with her and she'd be home after work (sounds pre-meditated to me!!!). Again, I cannot, - in good conscience - tell her she has to drive if she is impaired. I also know it's unlikely that she won't drink at a party.
Tonight, she told me she was going to a movie with J. I met him last week and he seems like a nice kid. It was J's apartment where she had her first overnight and came home high. He is now home from college...but as far as I know, she's only seen him once before bringing him here. She texts me and says "There are no good movies. We are renting one. Can he come over to watch it?" I text back, "Going to bed by 10:30 or 11:00. He's welcome to come over, but a movie probably won't work tonight. She texts "we'll do something else then". Then she calls "Shannon called and a bunch of us are going to J's apartment to hang out. I won't be home tonight."
WHAT???? I tell her that it makes no sense for her to spend the night. She argues, says this won't happen all the time but, they're not getting there until 10:30 or so (apt is in a nearby city) and it's not just the two of them (Riiiiggght) and what's the problem?
Honestly...I'd had such a long day and I was so tired, I just could not deal with this discussion. I told her we will talk about this. Living with your mom is living with your mom....it's not like having a roomate.
I didn't want this person who I barely knew at my house while I was sleeping. That may sound weird, but it's just the two of us here and I really don't feel entirely safe going to sleep with what amounts to be a stranger in my house. I knew her plan was that I would go to sleep and then he'd spend the night in the basement with her. Not ok with me.
But NOW, she's at his college apartment. Good God!
And, it's not just him. Last night she was supposedly hanging out with a band she's going to be singing with. ...except I'm pretty darned sure she was just "hanging out" with the drummer.
I know I'm sending insanely mixed messages to her. It was so much easier when she was younger and living with me. The boundaries were clearer and I sure as heck had more clout.
I know I cannot stop her sexual acting out (I haven't even hit the tip of the iceberg in this post). I can - at least somewhat - control it happening here .... but how do I address her oh-so-innocent assertations that she should not be driving intoxicated/too tired, etc?
What a mess. If you're still reading this insanely long post, I commend you.
Dash
ps - Now my post about her chores seems so sillly...
I'm waffling on a situation that is pretty important to me. I know I'm being manipulated and I also know I'm sending mixed messages. I guess I fell off the Warrior Mom Wagon and I need help getting back up.
I posted a week or so ago about her staying out all night (she told me where she was and texted that she would not be home) and that she came home high. I told I wouldn't put up with her smoking pot, drinking and/or staying out all night.
Since then, we had a talk in which she told me it was pretty unrealistic for me to expect her not to drink. She'll be 21 in six weeks, she has not demonstrated that she is abusing (as in an addiction. She maintains her use is fairly normal for her age group and I have no evidence that it is not). She promised not to drink here and not to come home drunk.
And this is where it gets sticky.
There have been two occasions since that overnight where she has not come home. The first time, last Friday night, she texted at 2:00 a.m. and said she was way too tired to drive and she was spending the night. She was at a party and I'm smart enough to know she wasn't "tired", but I also don't want my daughter to be in an accident driving while impaired when I told her she "had" to be home. The other time was last night. She texted and said she'd had a couple of beers and did not feel safe driving. She also said she had her work clothes with her and she'd be home after work (sounds pre-meditated to me!!!). Again, I cannot, - in good conscience - tell her she has to drive if she is impaired. I also know it's unlikely that she won't drink at a party.
Tonight, she told me she was going to a movie with J. I met him last week and he seems like a nice kid. It was J's apartment where she had her first overnight and came home high. He is now home from college...but as far as I know, she's only seen him once before bringing him here. She texts me and says "There are no good movies. We are renting one. Can he come over to watch it?" I text back, "Going to bed by 10:30 or 11:00. He's welcome to come over, but a movie probably won't work tonight. She texts "we'll do something else then". Then she calls "Shannon called and a bunch of us are going to J's apartment to hang out. I won't be home tonight."
WHAT???? I tell her that it makes no sense for her to spend the night. She argues, says this won't happen all the time but, they're not getting there until 10:30 or so (apt is in a nearby city) and it's not just the two of them (Riiiiggght) and what's the problem?
Honestly...I'd had such a long day and I was so tired, I just could not deal with this discussion. I told her we will talk about this. Living with your mom is living with your mom....it's not like having a roomate.
I didn't want this person who I barely knew at my house while I was sleeping. That may sound weird, but it's just the two of us here and I really don't feel entirely safe going to sleep with what amounts to be a stranger in my house. I knew her plan was that I would go to sleep and then he'd spend the night in the basement with her. Not ok with me.
But NOW, she's at his college apartment. Good God!
And, it's not just him. Last night she was supposedly hanging out with a band she's going to be singing with. ...except I'm pretty darned sure she was just "hanging out" with the drummer.
I know I'm sending insanely mixed messages to her. It was so much easier when she was younger and living with me. The boundaries were clearer and I sure as heck had more clout.
I know I cannot stop her sexual acting out (I haven't even hit the tip of the iceberg in this post). I can - at least somewhat - control it happening here .... but how do I address her oh-so-innocent assertations that she should not be driving intoxicated/too tired, etc?
What a mess. If you're still reading this insanely long post, I commend you.
Dash
ps - Now my post about her chores seems so sillly...
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