Fighting the fear

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by grace1, Jul 29, 2008.

  1. grace1

    grace1 New Member

    My 18 year old has informed me that he is an adult now and should be allowed to stay out til 3 AM and drink if he chooses to. He has taken medications for ADHD all of his school years and done well. He tends to have an addictive personality.I've warned him about this and family history of abuse... to no avail. Any suggestions would be appreciated. thanks!
  2. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Is he living in your house? Your house, your rules. make it clear what you will be willing to use "Tough Love" and make him leave over. I strongly suggest going to AlAnon and/or NarcAnon or Families Anon to get support from others in your area. They can help you understand the cycle of addiction, and what is enabling.

    Anyway, others will be along to help. I haven't seen you, so WELCOME!! Glad you found us but sorry you need us. If you go to the FAQ board, you will see info about signatures (sig) and teh abbreviations we use. It makes it easier for us to keep each other straight in our foggy brains if you can do a signature. No personal info like real names or pictures or addresses - it is a public forum, but general age, gender, any diagnosis, etc....

    Welcome again,

  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    He listens or...
    he leaves.
    He's an adult the day he is responsible for himself in every way. That means he has his own place and he pays all of his own bills and doesn't come to you for anything. And if he doesn't like it or throws a fit...tough.
  4. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Eloquently said MWM. Hard to do, but it really is the best way for kids to grow up esp if they have sub abuse issues (addiction issues). Scary for parents.

    someone has info on detachment. It is how you get through this.

  5. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    Yes, very well said. If he lives at your house, accepting shelter, food, and other things, he needs to respect your rules. Curfews are your prerogative to set and you don't have to justify yourself. He's an adult legally but he's not independent. Being of legal age but not drinking age, he has no business drinking - certainly no business expecting you to condone it in any way - but if he does, let him deal with the underage drinking charges and consequences (fines, loss of license).
  6. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    My house, my rules, my ballgame...Miss KT no longer lives with us, and we ended up changing the locks as well.
  7. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    An adult is a person who is responsible for his or her own actions, financial transactions, and consequences. An adult is respectful of other's boundaries and feelings. Tell him when he is all of these things, you'll talk again about his wishes to be treated like an adult.
  8. So Tired

    So Tired Member

    I have been fighting this same battle. I think what the others have said really sums it up. You have the right to say what will and will not be accepted in your home. If you let them, difficult children will talk you 'round in circles -- just state the rules. Write them down if necessary and post them. Let him know there will be consequences and then follow through... I know this all sounds good in theory, but in practice difficult children have a way of wheedling out of things. Keep at it till he knows you are serious (and BE serious!) He will know if you are bluffing!

    I wish I could send this advice to the "me" of 2 years ago. (That is how long it took me to figure it out!)

    Keep strong. We are all behind you!
  9. Losing_Resilience

    Losing_Resilience New Member

    "He listens or...
    he leaves.
    He's an adult the day he is responsible for himself in every way. That means he has his own place and he pays all of his own bills and doesn't come to you for anything. And if he doesn't like it or throws a fit...tough."

    I like the above quote, but would love advice on what to do if the 18-year-old then moves in with some friends of the same ilk, or some other unsatisfactory arrangement. I have a 17-year old daughter who keeps saying, "When I'm 18 I can do anything I want!" (Ironically, she got this catch phrase from the therapist, who unwisely said it one day!) Since she repeated 1st grade, she will be 18 next summer, just before she starts her senior year in high school. I need to figure out a plan now, so I can get it firmly in place - if possible - before next year. Any ideas, or what has worked for you?
  10. As others have said, your house, your rules but having said that, we, all parents, want what is best for our children so it is hard to practice "tough love".
    But having been there, it is the ONLY option. I have known quite a few teens (brothers, cousins, friends, etc) who lost a year of their life (during or right after high school) for exactly this reason(me included). Most of them managed to sort it out and go on to have great lives.
    If the 18 year old moves out, where he "lands" is no longer your responsibility. Even if it is not good, I think, you need to let him make his own mistakes and face his own consequences.
    I think you need to let your daughter know that there are rules and expectaions in your home and that if she does not want to "honor" them then she should be prepared to live somewhere else.
    :whiteflag:Then you spend many hours sending strongly worded prayers and pleas up into the heavens, hoping that she sees reason before she forces you to follow through. But be prepared, you may have to!
  11. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    Very well put. Also, while an 18 year old is technically an adult, he is STILL not old enough to drink. If he chooses to drink then he should be aware of the possible consequences....both yours and from the legal system. Personally, if my difficult child brought alcohol into MY home, I would call the police. I've told him many times that if he does or brings something illegal into my home he is automatically kicked out AND I call the police. I won't have it.