Finally sent an inquiry to an apt rental in another city ...

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by TerryJ2, Oct 19, 2012.

  1. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I've been wanting to move for yrs, but life keeps getting in the way. Not sure when or how much it will cost, but since husband won't agree to send difficult child anywhere, and I have never liked living here (not a good place for art and writing) it's time to make plans. I'm 55 and not getting any younger.

    I emailed a real estate place 1/2 hr away and summed up my situation, told them no rush, probably January.

    I have already driven to this spot with-my friend, B, the one who is a writer, and has lost 100 lbs (200 more to go, at least) and he is very supportive.

    If you keep doing the same thing, you get the same results. I am totally worn out. Time to shake things up.

    Just a secret between all of us, okay? :):capitulate:
  2. Jody

    Jody Active Member

    That is so exciting and I am very happy for you!!! Mums the word.
  3. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Wow that is huge. Do you mean just you moving or to use it to work or all of you move? I hope it works out, it sounds exciting.
  4. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Nope. Just me.
  5. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I'm on your team. Yeah, I do believe it is wonderful when families can stay together BUT sometimes circumstances come about where you just have to change your focus from "the family" to "my future". You are a smart cookie and if it is meant to be...I'm hoping it will be awesome. Hugs DDD
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Wow Terry. Im shocked and somehow quite impressed!
  7. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Hey, I just reread your post. If your male friend is part of the enthusiasm is reduced. I'm on your team but in my humble opinion you can't begin a new healthy chapter to your life is it includes a new partner (even a platonic partner).

    I've known a bunch of people who have opted in that direction and found themselves "searching for themselves" all over again. At 55 you can seek "you" and still have years to get comfortable with yourself. Hugs DDD
  8. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Terry, if you move will you be forced to take difficult child for part time? I live that life, I hope you'd be able to have some kind of support there since he can get so aggressive. If you must take him at times will you need to hold off till he is 18? Or can you have a plan in place before you go for safety. I've always had a risk management plan for q. Do you have anything like that available? If youd rather not answer no biggie, I'm sure this was a huge decision. Just wanted to thow it out there. Doing it alone when they're this big is really stressful so I'm just thinking of you. I'm probably being stupid, you have most likely thought about that a lot. You have my unending support.
  9. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    LOL! I didn't realize it would be taken that way. No, he's not part of the, ahem, equation. In fact, he's pretty cozy with-my former best friend ... the one I've written about here before, but who has no kids and with-whom I've stopped confiding about difficult child. She is funny and fun, but since I've gotten more into the family with-chauffering and activities, I'm not her type of fun any more. And she's racist. And she has a nasty temper. So if B can put up with-her and be my buffer, all the better. This keeps us all in the equation.

    I do not know if she knows that I am looking for a new place, but she does know that I am the type to take things slowly. And so does he. I like to make plans. (You don't get to this age with-o making long-term plans. :) )

    Yes, I will take difficult child VERY part time ... and that is part of my plan. At this age, it is time for husband to step up to the plate. difficult child is becoming a man and he has GOT to have a man around. I am tired of calling my friends, B included, to come and bail me out and do what husband should be doing, in my book. It is not helping difficult child at all to be surrounded by middle aged women when he needs guy mentors.
    This will force husband to spend more time with-difficult child.
    Or ... it could go down badly.
    That's why I'm taking my time. I have to put a lot more things in place than just the apt.

    I'm not even telling easy child until I sign on the dotted line.

    The main thing is that I know that my cousin, P, will not be around for more than another yr or two, and that will give me a lot more freedom to paint and write and generally get my wits about me. It has also made a diff since my dad died, because I was flying to MN a lot over the past half doz yrs. The good part of that is that he was a LOT easier to care for than either P or difficult child so it actually gave me a break.

    Originally, the plan was for me to go away for a cpl nights every mo, to get a break from difficult child. But that has gone by the wayside. And husband is not exactly Johnny on the Spot. He'll take difficult child to a movie, or do a movie at home on Fri nights, and go to a counseling session 2X a mo, and have difficult child pick up branches or pinecones in the yard on Sundays, but everythng else comes from me.
    It's tiring, as you all know.
    And it takes its toll on a relationship.

    I don't know if I answered all of your questions, but suffice to say, this is a slow process, so don't panic!
  10. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    DDD and Insane, just wanted to say, this board is great and so are you, for being honest. Seriously, quite often I check things out here before I make decisions. It's not all venting. (Although it feels pretty good to vent. :) )
  11. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    Terry, I know where you're coming from. husband was always too busy with his patients, and perpetually exhausted, to be there for the kids or me. His caring for "others" has taken a huge toll on this family and the futures of our sons. Even if he had been emotionally present, we never could agree on parenting styles. He came from a very hands off situation and I had a Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) catholic control freak mother.

    I hate what difficult children do to our marriages. There were so many times that I wanted to find my own place to declare my independence from their chaos. I really admire you and I'm also sad for you, scared for you, and worried about the violence that you face alone every time you have an altercation with difficult child.

    With much respect for your determined heart, 3S,
  12. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Thank you. You are still with-your husband, right?

    I told husband today that this is all getting to be too much for me and that it would be a lot less expensive at 1,500 /mo to pay for an apt for me than to send difficult child to either residential treatment or to the mountains for school at $500/day.

    He cannot possibly pretend to be shocked when I finally follow through with-one or the other. Or both. I have said things to this effect before. And I've still got all the paperwork filled out and ready to go for difficult child when the other shoe drops.
    First, juvie ... then ...

    Sorry I'm not upbeat about all of this, but it's sort of like Malika's new ward, the 9-yr-old who doesn't "get it." A tad more sophisticated, but in a sense that makes it worse, because people look at my difficult child and think he's doing it deliberately. At this point, I'm *almost* past caring.
  13. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    Forty years now, Terry. Last difficult child will be 18 in 6/2014. She will be off to college and we will have our lives back.

    I must have missed that thread about Malika.
  14. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    It's on the general board, ThreeShadows. It's about the kids breaking the window.
  15. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Terry I think I get exactly what you are getting at and I pretty much get it. I am really not surprised once I got over my shock and I think it will be in your best interests. You deserve a life. It was much the life I thought I was going to get one day before things stepped in for me. I had thought my kids would grow up and leave home and then life would be mine. Tony and I actually thought we would close up this house and take to the roads to travel from job to job and see the country as he worked at a job for awhile until he decided to move on to another one. We even planned to eventually buy a camper to live out of. Well, me getting sick put that all on hold and never getting Billy out of the house also made that impossible. It seems we are slaves to being here and I am pretty unhappy about it.
  16. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Terry... on one level, I understand. On another level? It's guaranteed to be destructive to your relationship with husband and with difficult child. But I don't really know what it's like to live with a husband who isn't on at least close to the same page about difficult child.

    "We" had plans too. That will never, ever happen. There will be no money for anything. But pursuing "our" plans will guarantee that difficult child crashes, and we cannot live with that. And most people out there don't understand that we can sacrifice our future and our dreams in hopes of saving our kid... it's a lonely road.
  17. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    We are thinking that difficult child may not be able to live on his own, because of the way he has mishandled his phone and video games, clicking "yes" to every offer out there and racking up thousands of dollars in charges, which husband mostly negotiated away, and also because of difficult child's inability to "see" crud around him, such as dirty dishes and spilled juice and bar-b-que sauce in his bedroom, which attracts bugs. And of course, his other issues.
    We may end up getting him a studio apt and paying for part of it ... we will see how he does once he graduates from HS. But I *have* to have space, for my peace of mind.

    Also, husband and I are going to invest in a long term care ins. policy for one another (I have to see what happens if there is a divorce, but if one person dies, the other can use the money), and that will protect some of our money. We are trying to put as much into investments as possible, partly to plan for our future, and partly to keep it away from difficult child. He's smart enugh to figure out much more complex schemes as he gets older.

    easy child already has plans to move out next summer, although I don't know how she can afford it. Even though I had her deadbolt fixed, she is making noises about taking out a restraining order against difficult child. I have no idea why, because if she's in our house, his bedroom is 15 ft away and that won't help at all. And he'd never seek her out at her apt. It's just not his style. He is an opportunist and only does things right under his nose.

    All that is to say that we all seem to be working on escape plans in our own ways ...
  18. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    What a complex story Terry. I applaud you for looking at options and having conversations with husband about possibilities for all of you. It all sounds healthy and realistic to me. It takes courage to make such significant and dramatic changes, but I can see how a difficult child would be the catalyst for that kind of change. I think being an artist and a writer, having ones own "space" is essential, a creative spirit requires that not only for creativity but for sanity and health. I admire you for your willingness to take risks and to make difficult choices, it can be a lonely road, but I support you in traveling it.
  19. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I also applaud you for being proactive. However (there always is one isn't there?!), I hope you and husband have thought long and hard about the long term care insurance. My father owned an insurance company all his life and I worked in the insurance field for many years before I became a stay at home mom when easy child was born -- my father never purchased long term care insurance and I will never do so either.

    For you and husband, the premiums are so high in middle age and the fine pint is voluminous. Hopefully you have a very trusted agent.

    If you truly believe that difficult child will never be able to live on his own, perhaps the journey towards disability for future support should be looked into - especially since it can take years...

  20. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    Good for you! I'm glad to hear that you are doing something for YOU.